sexless marriage :(

Rev

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

i have been with my wife for 14 years. in the beginning we only saw each other at weekends but had a good sex life. we moved in together around 2 years into the relationship and it all went downhill from there really. she had a very stressful job and our sex life seemed to suffer for it. when we got married it didn't really improve and we didn't have much intimacy on our honeymoon even. over the years it got less and less frequent. we both put on a bit of weight and i don't know whether she thought i wouldn't find her attractive any more. she decided she wanted a baby. we only had sex three times before she got pregnant. we had it once during the pregnancy but she was very uncomfortable. our babies birth was traumatic and she had to have some reconstructive surgery down there afterwards. this is ongoing 3 years later. we were advised not to have sex for 6 weeks after the birth. she made me wait 6 months and then couldn't bear it. we've been intimate less than 10 times since our child was born. by intimate i mean any sort of physical contact.

we went to a counsellor who appeared sympathetic but after talking to my wife said that she wasn't surprised that she didn't want sex. she has always had a problem with how little i do in the house. i've told her to tell me if she wants me to do something but she says i should see what needs doing and she's not my mother. i have hobbies that she isn't interested in and she hasn't really any of her own. i try to raise the issues sometimes when we go to bed but she gets upset and says she's too tired to talk about things then. i then feel bad for making her lose out on sleep. on one occasion when we did attempt sex after our baby was born i said jokingly 'there's a lot more of you than there was before' and she says she's still upset about that. the counsellor said that my laziness and tactlessness makes her resentful of me and why would you want sex with someone you resent?

i don't know what to do. i love her but i hate that she's forced me to be celibate for the past 4 years. we are both on diets now and i hope that when she has lost a bit of weight she might feel sexy again but i don't know whether she will think i'm sexy anymore. please help.

Put yourself in your wifes place.

Lets say last time you were intimate with your wife had she said to you 'There's a bit less of you than I remembered' then afterwards rolled over and said 'Guess I'll be taking care of myself tonight' Would you find that good fun and jokey? Or would it make you feel really crap about yourself?

Because that's basically what you've done to your wife, made her feel self conscious and under appreciated.

Every time you come home and point out things that need doing, instead of getting of your backside and doing them you're basically calling her lazy. Allergies or not there is zero excuse for you not doing your share around the house. There's plenty of cleaning solutions that can be made from non chemicals. If you lived alone would you not bother due to allergies or would you just find ways to get on with it.

If you don't understand why she can't tidy during the day here's a tip, take a week of work, send your wife away and you take care of a child 24/7 then come back in a month and tell us how you'd feel if someone walked in and asked why you haven't tidied during the day. Tell us how appreciated and loved that made you feel.

You don't bother with valentines, don't do Christmas and forgot her birthday, you called her fat and often insinuate she is lazy. Why in the blue hell would you be under any sort of impression that this woman would want to sleep with you? Seriously?

You've been given some great advice here, I suggest you man up and take some of it else I get the feeling the next thread you make will be along the lines of 'my Wife has left me for another man'.

Guest101

geerex wrote: »

" rapey douche"? Notwithstanding the fact that this isn't an American forum, where exactly did I suggest rape?

As I said before, if the OP was a woman, I could guarantee that a hell of a lot of replies would be telling the OP to "ditch him", " get a toy boy", "take him for all hes got" etc. Seems to be one rule for guys and another for females on here.

The fact remains that there is an implicit expectation of certain rights in a marriage, why else would withdrawal of physical intimacy be an accepted reason for divorce in courts?

As it stands, the wife isn't fulfilling her side of the bargain, if that side of the relationship is dead, she should allow her husband to hook up with someone else.

This forum has alot of women on it compared to men. Some of whom have been hurt and damaged by their partners / ex partners. Some of whom never did anything about it.

told ya

haras_nosirrah

I had a problem of trying to get everything done with a small child in the house (I do also work part time) so my husband and I made the decision to put our son in nursery just 1 morning a week to give me a break and also get the housework done. I also use that time to go for a swim and just have a bit of me time. It is effectively paid for by the child benefit money.

Maybe something like this could work?

Pollycat

geerex wrote: »

As it stands, the wife isn't fulfilling her side of the bargain, if that side of the relationship is dead, she should allow her husband to hook up with someone else.

And you think the OP is fulfilling his side of the bargain?

I agree with this:

pollypenny wrote: »

I think the wife will probably be glad if her useless clot of a husband hooks up with someone else.

dontwannabecelibate

i’m sorry that I’ve been away for a while. i’ve been trying to take in all that’s happened and what’s been said here. on monday i bought my wife some bubble bath on the way home and while she put our child to bed i ran her a bubble bath. i don’t think this was the right thing to do. she said that she appreciated the thought, but that she didn’t really want to have a bath when it was covered in mould. she says she asked me weeks ago to air the bathroom after i shower as shutting the door means the air stays damp and then mould forms around the bath. she left the mould remover spray out as well but i didn’t take the hint. (she uses the downstairs shower room rather than the family bathroom.) she was very upset at this point so i left her in the bedroom. when she came downstairs i was playing on the playstation. it was as if the floodgates opened and she started shouting at me saying how useless i was, how i’m worse than a child, i do nothing, don’t think, take the !!!! and take her for granted every day. that she’s sick of being constantly criticised, sick of hearing my whiny voice, sick of having to do everything.

i came home from work last night to a letter. she said that talking to me makes no difference so she’s written it down. there’s a list of things on it. i’ll try and do a list here but not sure if it will work.

you constantly complain about things i don’t do or haven’t done while doing nothing yourself
you don’t notice anything i do
every day you add more and more to my to do list while doing less and less yourself
the things to remember board that you’ve put on the wall in the hall and add jobs to is ****ing demeaning
you spend more hours per week playing computer games than you do interacting with your family
if i come in to sit in the living room with a cuppa you’ll put something on television that i don’t want to watch
you go through the sky planner and ask me to watch my programmes on the iPad instead of on the television
you wait until i’m just about to fall asleep before talking to me. that’s when there’s something you want to discuss
you break wind around me when you know how much i hate it. saying sorry when you’ve done it isn’t enough.
you’ve made me responsible for buying your food, toiletries, clothes, getting your prescriptions, getting the car motd and serviced, car tax, all finances
you have are no effort for my birthday or mother’s day for the last 3 years
you’ll sit next to an airer full of dry clothes for days without thinking about folding the clothes and bringing them upstairs
you’ll sit playing computer games for hours and not notice that ******* has left toys that could be put away
you never suggest doing anything with me. you assume i’ll always be around to look after ******** and make arrangements to do your own things without discussing first
you still do nothing to keep the bathroom clear of mould. you never clean the toilet and leave hair clippings in the sink

she says that she feels she exists and that her real life ended years ago. she goes along with it because she couldn’t cope financially on her own and she keeps hoping that the man she married is still in there somewhere. she says i haven’t noticed that she spends her time in the kitchen or bedroom, not with me in the living room.

i am bereft. i think she’s already left me. i've taken a day off sick today but she thinks i am in work. i don't know what to do.

Mojisola

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

she says that she feels she exists and that her real life ended years ago. she goes along with it because she couldn’t cope financially on her own and she keeps hoping that the man she married is still in there somewhere. she says i haven’t noticed that she spends her time in the kitchen or bedroom, not with me in the living room.

She should start her own thread on here - she'll get advice about what to claim so that she can manage financially.

Pollycat

After reading your post, I just thought 'That poor woman. How unhappy she must be. She really deserves better'.

Faith177

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

i’m sorry that I’ve been away for a while. i’ve been trying to take in all that’s happened and what’s been said here. on monday i bought my wife some bubble bath on the way home and while she put our child to bed i ran her a bubble bath. i don’t think this was the right thing to do. she said that she appreciated the thought, but that she didn’t really want to have a bath when it was covered in mould. she says she asked me weeks ago to air the bathroom after i shower as shutting the door means the air stays damp and then mould forms around the bath. she left the mould remover spray out as well but i didn’t take the hint. (she uses the downstairs shower room rather than the family bathroom.) she was very upset at this point so i left her in the bedroom. when she came downstairs i was playing on the playstation. it was as if the floodgates opened and she started shouting at me saying how useless i was, how i’m worse than a child, i do nothing, don’t think, take the !!!! and take her for granted every day. that she’s sick of being constantly criticised, sick of hearing my whiny voice, sick of having to do everything.

i came home from work last night to a letter. she said that talking to me makes no difference so she’s written it down. there’s a list of things on it. i’ll try and do a list here but not sure if it will work.

you constantly complain about things i don’t do or haven’t done while doing nothing yourself
you don’t notice anything i do
every day you add more and more to my to do list while doing less and less yourself
the things to remember board that you’ve put on the wall in the hall and add jobs to is ****ing demeaning
you spend more hours per week playing computer games than you do interacting with your family
if i come in to sit in the living room with a cuppa you’ll put something on television that i don’t want to watch
you go through the sky planner and ask me to watch my programmes on the iPad instead of on the television
you wait until i’m just about to fall asleep before talking to me. that’s when there’s something you want to discuss
you break wind around me when you know how much i hate it. saying sorry when you’ve done it isn’t enough.
you’ve made me responsible for buying your food, toiletries, clothes, getting your prescriptions, getting the car motd and serviced, car tax, all finances
you have are no effort for my birthday or mother’s day for the last 3 years
you’ll sit next to an airer full of dry clothes for days without thinking about folding the clothes and bringing them upstairs
you’ll sit playing computer games for hours and not notice that ******* has left toys that could be put away
you never suggest doing anything with me. you assume i’ll always be around to look after ******** and make arrangements to do your own things without discussing first
you still do nothing to keep the bathroom clear of mould. you never clean the toilet and leave hair clippings in the sink

she says that she feels she exists and that her real life ended years ago. she goes along with it because she couldn’t cope financially on her own and she keeps hoping that the man she married is still in there somewhere. she says i haven’t noticed that she spends her time in the kitchen or bedroom, not with me in the living room.

i am bereft. i think she’s already left me. i've taken a day off sick today but she thinks i am in work. i don't know what to do.

Go home and talk to her she is screaming out at you in a thousand ways that she needs your help and that she is desperate for things to change.

Burying your head in the sand and hiding away is going to make this so much worst OP

Go home with a bunch of flowers and actually talk to her like shes a human being not your skivvy which is how she feels at the moment

Have an adult talk with her and let her tell you what she wants. Agree on what jobs you will do for her going forward and support her

*Robin*

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

i’m sorry that I’ve been away for a while. i’ve been trying to take in all that’s happened and what’s been said here. on monday i bought my wife some bubble bath on the way home and while she put our child to bed i ran her a bubble bath. i don’t think this was the right thing to do. she said that she appreciated the thought, but that she didn’t really want to have a bath when it was covered in mould. she says she asked me weeks ago to air the bathroom after i shower as shutting the door means the air stays damp and then mould forms around the bath. she left the mould remover spray out as well but i didn’t take the hint. (she uses the downstairs shower room rather than the family bathroom.) she was very upset at this point so i left her in the bedroom. when she came downstairs i was playing on the playstation. it was as if the floodgates opened and she started shouting at me saying how useless i was, how i’m worse than a child, i do nothing, don’t think, take the !!!! and take her for granted every day. that she’s sick of being constantly criticised, sick of hearing my whiny voice, sick of having to do everything.

i came home from work last night to a letter. she said that talking to me makes no difference so she’s written it down. there’s a list of things on it. i’ll try and do a list here but not sure if it will work.

you constantly complain about things i don’t do or haven’t done while doing nothing yourself
you don’t notice anything i do
every day you add more and more to my to do list while doing less and less yourself
the things to remember board that you’ve put on the wall in the hall and add jobs to is ****ing demeaning
you spend more hours per week playing computer games than you do interacting with your family
if i come in to sit in the living room with a cuppa you’ll put something on television that i don’t want to watch
you go through the sky planner and ask me to watch my programmes on the iPad instead of on the television
you wait until i’m just about to fall asleep before talking to me. that’s when there’s something you want to discuss
you break wind around me when you know how much i hate it. saying sorry when you’ve done it isn’t enough.
you’ve made me responsible for buying your food, toiletries, clothes, getting your prescriptions, getting the car motd and serviced, car tax, all finances
you have are no effort for my birthday or mother’s day for the last 3 years
you’ll sit next to an airer full of dry clothes for days without thinking about folding the clothes and bringing them upstairs
you’ll sit playing computer games for hours and not notice that ******* has left toys that could be put away
you never suggest doing anything with me. you assume i’ll always be around to look after ******** and make arrangements to do your own things without discussing first
you still do nothing to keep the bathroom clear of mould. you never clean the toilet and leave hair clippings in the sink

she says that she feels she exists and that her real life ended years ago. she goes along with it because she couldn’t cope financially on her own and she keeps hoping that the man she married is still in there somewhere. she says i haven’t noticed that she spends her time in the kitchen or bedroom, not with me in the living room.

i am bereft. i think she’s already left me. i've taken a day off sick today but she thinks i am in work. i don't know what to do.

OP, if you are for real - get yourself home and start doing everything you wrote on your wretched jobs list (board in the hall)!
Do all the tasks to a good standard - tout suite!
Or: Spend the day finding yourself a bed-sit. Move in immediately.

If you're a troll - your mark has slipped from C to D minus. Try harder or [STRIKE]confess[/STRIKE] give up!

itsanne

Pollycat wrote: »

After reading your post, I just thought 'That poor woman. How unhappy she must be. She really deserves better'.

I think they're both miserable.

It's a pity this thread wasn't started years ago, before things reached this point.