sexless marriage :(

tooldle

Op, sit your wife down and talk. I think both of you are at fault here. There seems to be considerable resentment from your wife. It's fine to be irritated that you have not done what is expected of you, but quite another for her to hold you entirely responsible for her happiness. my husband has some of the faults you describe but I don't resent him for it. In my opinion it is unreasonable to expect him to sit through tv programmes if he doesn't like them. The compromise is to watch separately. The level of compromise is different for each situation you describe, but both need to compromise not just you.
My oh leaves beard trimmings in the basin. From time to time he does remember to clean it up. The key is communication in both directions.

j.e.j.

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

on monday i bought my wife some bubble bath on the way home and while she put our child to bed i ran her a bubble bath. i don’t think this was the right thing to do. she said that she appreciated the thought, but that she didn’t really want to have a bath when it was covered in mould.

This thread's comedy gold..


I know there's no point in even asking this but did it not occur to you to clean the dirt and mould off the bath first.

pollypenny

Oh-oh,,it's become totally fantastical, incredible and hilarious.

I'm the last person to spot a troll, but yea gods!

j.e.j.

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I think "the housework" would be a good idea, since you're at home!

Really? I fear that if he does he'll be back on here later saying he didn't realise that bleach took the colour out of things, and how can he fix the carpet :rotfl: This guy is an absolute disaster area.


If any of this is true they must be the saddest couple in Britain I just hope it's a wind-up thread, because on some levels it is hilariously funny

peace-maker

Hi OP,

I think some of your problems come from your expectations of what your mum used to do.

Here's my take on what to do. I've made it as straight forward and practical as possible.

Firstly, take her criticism seriously, but don't let it crush you. Turn it into a determination to get things back on a good footing.

(I'm a 14 year old husband (I mean married for 14!) and have had to 'work through issues' before)

What I would do tonight:

This is going to be a painful time, not least because of the criticism, but because of the humble pie you're going to have to eat. Accept the pain, and remind yourself of the goal (not 'sex', but a mutual intimacy that you both enjoy - including sex)

1, Apologise.
Say "I'm sorry I've not been living up to your expectations of me. will you help me to change." At least say the first sentence, if not both. Asking her to help you meet her expectations may encourage her to respond better to you.

From what you've written, she's very hurt, and will probably retort with something painful "You're beyond change", "You're such a lousy husband etc". Don't let that turn into an argument. Decide to still love her. Let her say whatever and move to step 2

2, clean the bath
If you can clean the bath first before step one, apologise THEN clean the bath, then do that. She may believe you more if you've done that first.

3, look at the things to do board, draw a line through one thing, and start doing it immediately. (I'd favour either putting your name in brackets after each chore you've written on the board, or removing it altogether)

4, don't sit down in the evening if your wife is still doing housework. Find something to do, fold the washing, empty the rubbish, take it upstairs. make her feel like you're in this together.

5, make the drinks tonight. Do not think to yourself "I've made the drinks tonight, she can do them tomorrow"

6, do not play the playstation tonight

7, do not hog the tv.

8, ask a few questions of your wife, showing you're interested in her, but don't interrogate her or interrupt her tv viewing.

Make your attitude like you're not grumpy or that you've done a whole lot. Just be as matter-of-fact about it. Do not expect sex tonight.

Tomorrow.
Aim to get another big cleaning thing off the list. Clean the toilet.

A good one is to clean the sink every day, by washing up, drying and polishing the draining board. The kitchen will look better, and be a reminder that you're trying.

Keep at it. Don't give up. She will need a lot of thawing, but if you're persistent, you will win.

It will be worth it in the end

Pollycat

tooldle wrote: »

Op, sit your wife down and talk. I think both of you are at fault here. There seems to be considerable resentment from your wife. It's fine to be irritated that you have not done what is expected of you, but quite another for her to hold you entirely responsible for her happiness. my husband has some of the faults you describe but I don't resent him for it. In my opinion it is unreasonable to expect him to sit through tv programmes if he doesn't like them. The compromise is to watch separately. The level of compromise is different for each situation you describe, but both need to compromise not just you.
My oh leaves beard trimmings in the basin. From time to time he does remember to clean it up. The key is communication in both directions.

I'm not surprised there's considerable resentment from the OP's wife.

Compromise is a great idea.

But it works both ways.

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

if i come in to sit in the living room with a cuppa you’ll put something on television that i don’t want to watch
you go through the sky planner and ask me to watch my programmes on the iPad instead of on the television.

If he expects to hog the Sky guide and watch his programmes on the TV and expects the OP to watch her programmes on the iPad, there's not a lot of compromise from the OP.
Is there?

kitrat

:S maybe I shouldn't have suggested the bubble bath...

System

kitrat wrote: »

:S maybe I shouldn't have suggested the bubble bath...

Evidently you should have suggested he clear the mold off first :rotfl:

Mojisola

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

i
every day you add more and more to my to do list while doing less and less yourself

the things to remember board that you’ve put on the wall in the hall and add jobs to is ****ing demeaning

kitrat wrote: »

:S maybe I shouldn't have suggested the bubble bath...

Considering he's always telling her what to do, I think her reaction to him running a bath would be "and now he's trying to tell me when I should wash!" especially as she always takes a shower, rather than a bath.

valk_scot

millysg1 wrote: »

Step one - throw your PlayStation out!

No, sell it, and any PC games and cancel any subscriptions to online gaming sites etc. Then hand the proceeds to her in cash and tell her to go and buy herself something, anything she likes. And don't even open your mouth to comment on what she does with the money unless it's a good comment.


Hand her the Sky and TV remotes and don't touch them again for a month. Make no comments on what she watches or any demands to choose what you want. You've had your turn with the remotes, now it's her's. Actually, scratch the month, it's her turn for the next 14 years, yes?


Secondly, get rid of that stupid wall list. Preferably having done every single chore on it first, then taking the board down the dump.


Go and clean the bathroom. Use elbow grease and a scrubbing brush and any detergent you can tolerate (you must be able to use shampoo or body wash presumably otherwise you'd have mentioned it.)


Do not fart again in her presence. If somehow you can't control your bowel sphincter at least 95% of the time you need to see the GP, you obviously have a medical problem.




There is more but that will do for a start.