sexless marriage :(

dontwannabecelibate

i have been with my wife for 14 years. in the beginning we only saw each other at weekends but had a good sex life. we moved in together around 2 years into the relationship and it all went downhill from there really. she had a very stressful job and our sex life seemed to suffer for it. when we got married it didn't really improve and we didn't have much intimacy on our honeymoon even. over the years it got less and less frequent. we both put on a bit of weight and i don't know whether she thought i wouldn't find her attractive any more. she decided she wanted a baby. we only had sex three times before she got pregnant. we had it once during the pregnancy but she was very uncomfortable. our babies birth was traumatic and she had to have some reconstructive surgery down there afterwards. this is ongoing 3 years later. we were advised not to have sex for 6 weeks after the birth. she made me wait 6 months and then couldn't bear it. we've been intimate less than 10 times since our child was born. by intimate i mean any sort of physical contact.

we went to a counsellor who appeared sympathetic but after talking to my wife said that she wasn't surprised that she didn't want sex. she has always had a problem with how little i do in the house. i've told her to tell me if she wants me to do something but she says i should see what needs doing and she's not my mother. i have hobbies that she isn't interested in and she hasn't really any of her own. i try to raise the issues sometimes when we go to bed but she gets upset and says she's too tired to talk about things then. i then feel bad for making her lose out on sleep. on one occasion when we did attempt sex after our baby was born i said jokingly 'there's a lot more of you than there was before' and she says she's still upset about that. the counsellor said that my laziness and tactlessness makes her resentful of me and why would you want sex with someone you resent?

i don't know what to do. i love her but i hate that she's forced me to be celibate for the past 4 years. we are both on diets now and i hope that when she has lost a bit of weight she might feel sexy again but i don't know whether she will think i'm sexy anymore. please help.

dontwannabecelibate

she's also upset that i forgot her birthday and didn't buy her anything for christmas. i am not very romantic. i suppose she thinks i'm only interested in sex. i feel like a terrible husband.

sulphate

So let me get this straight...

- your wife had to have reconstructive surgery after the birth of your child
- you don't do anything around the house unless she nags you
- you've made fun of her weight in the past
- the only time you try and talk to her is when she's about to go to sleep
- you've even been to counselling and the counsellor sympathised with your wife, not you
- you didn't buy her anything for christmas/birthday

Honestly, really not surprised she doesn't find you all that appealing to sleep with. Can you look back at my bullet points and see where you're going wrong here?

VestanPance

You sound like an idiot!

If you want to have anything like a sex life then maybe you need to start treating your wife like a woman you are in love with and not some skivvy who might put out the occasional night!

Step one should be putting some romance back into your life because you want her to feel good about herself and you as a couple. After that sexual interest should be more natural.

JoW123

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

she's also upset that i forgot her birthday and didn't buy her anything for christmas. i am not very romantic. i suppose she thinks i'm only interested in sex. i feel like a terrible husband.

This has to be a wind up....!!

dottymrsp

Buying your wife a christmas present isn't being 'romantic'.... seriously... buying your wife flowers because you think she's had a tough day at work = romantic... buying your wife a christmas present = pretty darn standard!

But, in the interest of being helpful, go to this website: https://www.housewifehowtos.com and download some of the cleaning instructions... then, do some of them. You might not think they need doing, but your wife will, and think how happy she'll be when you've done some housework unprompted

You know what they say... there's nothing sexier than a man doing housework

Also, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, comment on a woman's weight. Ever. Ever.

Also put a reminder on your phone or on your work calendar for 2 weeks before her birthday each year (just set it to repeat) - that way, you'll never forget her birthday again.

Head's up... not this saturday coming, not the one after that, but the one after that... is valentines day. Buy a card, and some chocolates NOW (or better, some jewellery, not very MSE, but saving your marriage is pretty important)

dontwannabecelibate

'So let me get this straight...

- your wife had to have reconstructive surgery after the birth of your child
- you don't do anything around the house unless she nags you
- you've made fun of her weight in the past
- the only time you try and talk to her is when she's about to go to sleep
- you've even been to counselling and the counsellor sympathised with your wife, not you
- you didn't buy her anything for christmas/birthday

Honestly, really not surprised she doesn't find you all that appealing to sleep with. Can you look back at my bullet points and see where you're going wrong here?'

when you put it like that it doesn't look good. i didn't think she was bothered with presents and as she's at home with our child and i work i thought all the housework should be done by her. my mum had 4 of us at home and did all the housework. my father never changed nappies or looked after us and i did change nappies and do things for our child.

aileth

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

i suppose she thinks i'm only interested in sex.

If she does, then she's 100% correct!

You sound like a huge man-child.

dontwannabecelibate

'This has to be a wind up....!!'

i only wish it was.

dontwannabecelibate

'Buying your wife a christmas present isn't being 'romantic'.... seriously... buying your wife flowers because you think she's had a tough day at work = romantic... buying your wife a christmas present = pretty darn standard!

But, in the interest of being helpful, go to this website: housewifehowtos and download some of the cleaning instructions... then, do some of them. You might not think they need doing, but your wife will, and think how happy she'll be when you've done some housework unprompted

You know what they say... there's nothing sexier than a man doing housework

Also, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, comment on a woman's weight. Ever. Ever.

Also put a reminder on your phone or on your work calendar for 2 weeks before her birthday each year (just set it to repeat) - that way, you'll never forget her birthday again.

Head's up... not this saturday coming, not the one after that, but the one after that... is valentines day. Buy a card, and some chocolates NOW (or better, some jewellery, not very MSE, but saving your marriage is pretty important)'

we've never done anything for valentines day. do you really think she'll want something? i have never bought her flowers because i have hay fever. she always said she was okay with that. she's always been very independent and so she just gets on with things. she says she can't wait for me to notice that there's ironing needing doing or a dishwasher to load. i told her not to iron my clothes as that would be less work for her. i thought i was being helpful.

dontwannabecelibate

i wouldn't know where to start buying her jewellery. she hasn't worn her wedding ring for years.