sexless marriage :(

trailingspouse

And another thing - don't be surprised if she sees your suggestion of something needing doing as a criticism.

Eg 'I think the bin needs emptying' could be seen as a criticism of her not emptying the bin. You need to be quick to add - don't worry, you're a busy woman, I'm not criticising, I'm just doing. Or if in doubt, say, 'Right, what needs doing?' If she doesn't die of shock the first time you say it, she'll get used to it and will appreciate it.

And please don't see what you're doing as 'help' - you're doing what needs to be done because it needs doing, not because it's her job 'really' but she hasn't got round to it.

snow_ball

trailingspouse wrote: »

You need to woo her - and wooing starts when you wake up, not when you go to bed.

Love this!

arbrighton

I'd also suggest you take a week off and try looking after your child all day, every day, and doing all the things that she does, without any thanks. YOu'll probably be very glad to go back to work.

To be honest, this is not a marriage. A marriage is a partnership.

kitrat

snow_ball wrote: »

Love this!

Me too!! My ex could have done with this advice.

I hope this is a wind up, but I hope people keep coming forth with the good advice in case he really does have aspergers.

CATS

OMG, men like you make me thankful for my wonderful husband. The thing is, I know men like you actually exist. My dad was one just like you and guess what??? my mum is now married to a lovely man who appreciates her.

I will tell you what a real man does, I have been with my hubby for 14 years, we both work full time and come home tired. He gets home before me, gets the car and picks me up from the station, comes home and starts on dinner, puts the washing machine on. I usually go and sit down for a few minutes, I will then get up and go help him in the kitcken, he will hung up the washing , feed the pets (although they were my idea) make me a cup of tea after dinner. We then cuddle up on the sofa watching a bit of trash TV, we go to bed together and cuddle, I fall asleep every night with my head on his chest. Yesterday he came into the bedroom after he had gone out to the gym and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek and said hello gorgeous, although I know I looked far from it. He then went weekly shopping and left me in bed. I never have to ask him to do something, never! He calls me everyday for a few minutes at lunch time, every day for the last 14 years!! You know why? because he loves and respects me and wants to make my life easier. If I was with a loser like you, you would have been out the door a long time ago.

If you love your wife you would want to make her happy and make her life easier, it should come naturally. Ask yourself, how can I make her life easier and do it. The last thing you should be worried about is sex, worry about how long she will be willing to hang around

Mojisola

kitrat wrote: »

I hope this is a wind up, but I hope people keep coming forth with the good advice in case he really does have aspergers.

If he does, he would have the same problem with understanding other people as well, not just his wife.

OP - have you looked at the symptoms of Aspergers? Have you ever talked to your GP?

How about going back to the counsellor on your own and getting some advice about how to improve your relationship?

duchy

Mojisola wrote: »

If he does, he would have the same problem with understanding other people as well, not just his wife.

Which was why I asked him why he mentioned Aspergers - and had other people mentioned it to him in the past.

dottymrsp

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

'

is it really that simple? i tend to just let her get on with it while i catch up on telly.

Yes, yes it really is THAT simple. Do it. Do it tonight and let us all know how your lovely wife reacts!

DSmiffy

trailingspouse wrote: »

And another thing - don't be surprised if she sees your suggestion of something needing doing as a criticism.

Eg 'I think the bin needs emptying' could be seen as a criticism of her not emptying the bin. You need to be quick to add - don't worry, you're a busy woman, I'm not criticising, I'm just doing. Or if in doubt, say, 'Right, what needs doing?' If she doesn't die of shock the first time you say it, she'll get used to it and will appreciate it.

And please don't see what you're doing as 'help' - you're doing what needs to be done because it needs doing, not because it's her job 'really' but she hasn't got round to it.

Use this, this is a great opening line - Right, what needs doing?? She can tell you what she needs help with and you will be helping and not getting in the way.
Do it every night you get home.

Just out of interest what do you do on the weekends????? Do you help then ???

TBagpuss

OP, you have had a lot f good advice here.
You said earlier that your wife feels you are critical when you point things out to her. Why do you point them out to her, rather than getting up yourself and doing the job? This could be very annoying if you are re-doing something she has just completed, but if it is spotting something which has not been done but needs doing, then just deal with it.

If you are not sure, think about what needs doing and then ask her what she would like you to do. For instance, if you know there is a lot of ironing to do you can ask her whether she would like you to do that (perhaps even say to her in the morning "Thanks for sorting all the washing - if you're happy to leave the clean washing out, I'll do the ironing when I get in tonight"

If you see a job that needs doing, do it.

If you are not sure whether or not something needs doing, or if you can see more than one job, consider asking her (not "do you want me to do anything" but "I noticed that the dishwasher is full, and that there is a heap of ironing - do you have a preference as to which I make a start on?"

Think about what you used to enjoy as a couple when you were still dating, and how you might recreate that.

You say she doesn't have any hobbies - why not? Could it be that she doesn't have the time or energy? Is there something she might enjoy, that you could organise? Even if it just arranging a babysitter so you can take her out for a meal or to the cinema.

Caring for a child is a very demanding, full time job. It is reasonable for you and she to share the rest of the household jobs equally.

Think about which jobs she dislikes the most (hint, these are probably the ones you are most likely to notice, as they are more likely to be left to the end) Start doing them.

Ask her whether she would like it if you committed to cooking and clearing supper, and taking responsibility for your child for one night every week so she could have one evening each week to do whatever she wanted, whether that turns out to be starting an evening class, or just relaxing in front of the TV with a glass of wine and her favourite box set.

How often do you put your child to bed, give him/her a bath, read to him/her etc? Suggest that you start to take it in turns to do that so that each of you gets some time in the evenings.

If you think you may have Aspergers syndrome, talk to your GP and ask about a proper assessment, and if you are diagnosed, look for support to help you and your wife communicate more effectively.

Flowers - how bad is your hay-fever? if it is really bad, then it may not be possible for you to buy flowers, but if it is milder, get her flowers (ask the florist for advice, in my experience, flowers with strong scents tend to be the worst - not all flowers have strong scent and unless you have very severe hay fever you would probably be fine as long as you don't put them in the bedroom.

Valentines Day - get her a card, and consider doing something which shows you have thought about her, rather than just gabbing something from Clintons Cards without thinking about what she would like.

Perhaps you could plan to cook her a nice meal, and generally run around after her?
If she has family living near by, speak to them. Get her mum (or whoever) to invite her over for a day, then while she is gone, clean the house, lay the table nicely and prepare a meal so that she feels that you are making the effort.

And, as others have said, don;t do it in the expectation that she will sleep with you, do it because it is a thoughtful thing to do and will help the two of you to improve your relationship.