sexless marriage :(

dontwannabecelibate

Melonade wrote: »

I have never called troll on any thread but honestly this one is full of it!!

Everyone will get riled up and sucked into the bad husband thread and the poor wife who after doing all the house work and child care (and being criticised about it) is too tired for sex. Maybe she is overweight and never gets presents or romance or flowers from the hay fever suffering husband....

Blah blah troll

i'm not a troll. i don't know how i can prove it but this is really how things are. my wife is only happy when her friends are around. i'm only now realising how little time we spend together.

dontwannabecelibate

Melonade wrote: »

:rotfl: :rotfl:

please don't laugh at me. i'm trying hard not to cry here.

z.n

Mojisola wrote: »

I hope so! The first two posts made me laugh out loud and I'd hate to think that some poor woman was really married to someone so dense!

{Ditto!} (just seen OP latest posts and am feeling a bit guilty- have amended my post accordingly.)

But just on the off-chance, here are a few small tips for OP:

1. Phone or text her every day at a similar time while you are away at work- just a quick call to let her know you are thinking of her. Perhaps make a small suggestion about a way you can solve a minor household problem- again to show you are thinking of her/household/family.

2. Nothing, but nothing is more offputting than presenting gift/treat/housework as if you now deserve a reward. No, you are not entitled to anything in that department and cannot force/persuade/whinge to move anything along. Your wife may be suffering genuine concern/problems resulting from the reconstructive work. Ideally you would discuss this between you but frankly, unless your wife is really happy with you, she might not feel able to tell you it hurts etc Don't blame- you are in a situation and there is nothing to be gained by blaming one another- the focus must be on how to improve things.

3. When you come home immediately take over looking after your child-even for 10 minutes to give your wife a break. She will be needing it. Try to come home at a decent/similar time every day so she has a 'finish line' to aim for. Small children can be very stressful.

4. Do your very very best to follow a strict routine with the little one so she is easier to manage (ie do not break the routine and expect to be shouted at if you do)-Back your wife up in every decision made about what to do when so she knows you are part of a team. If that means washing up at 10pm then consider getting it done yourself at 9pm before she asks. She might need to feel in charge -just let her boss you around if it means she gets though her mental list of jobs which feels endless. Yes, with better organisation most things maybe could have been done earlier in the day- but that in itself suggests your wife might be struggling and needs more help from you.

5. Do not regale your wife with hilarious tales about people at work-she does not know them and the joke will not do well in the re-telling. Focus more on the important things happening at home.

6. When your wife speaks, stop and listen, carefully. Try hard to hear the sub-text. eg I need to go and do XYZ can mean 'I am feeling overwhelmed and need some help, please please don't make me go to the effort of having to ask you yet again to empty the bin, it's like having another child.'
Just get on and do your bit to help out without her asking. If need be say something like ' I think the bin needs emptying, I'll do it now' and get her approval (if you are having to walk on eggshells or are unsure) and gradually absorb bin emptying into your daily routine as one of 'your jobs' so she doesn't have to even think about it.

7. Cook her dinner sometimes. A bit of M&S occasionally wouldn't hurt- she's worth it. If you cook. it doesn't matter if it is a culinary disaster-laugh about it. Don't expect a full dinner every day ready for when you come in. Get a takeaway occasionally. Obviously, do the valentines/birthday stuff, but the little everyday things are also vital.

8. It is possible your wife has some PND. In which case, you are going to need family advice on how to broach the subject.

9. It doesn't really matter what your mother did or didn't do while you were growing up-or what other family members do everyone is different. So don't compare.

10. Your objective should be to get communication going- that way you might have a chance to establish what the actual problem is. All my tips are geared towards getting a conversation going. Have you tried asking her how she feels?

Nice_and_Cheap

Judi wrote: »

I don't blame her.


Mind you, neither have I.

Your not his wife are you?

DSmiffy

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

please don't laugh at me. i'm trying hard not to cry here.

I feel sorry for you, I really do, if you think that the way you have been living is acceptable.

Most people of a certain age group had stay at home mum's. They didn't have jobs and looked after the house and the children and had a hot meal on the table every evening followed by conjugal rights whenever required, (I should imagine) However, we no longer live in the 70's. When women ask for equality, it works both ways, we expect the men in our lives to pull their weight too.

No where in the marriage vows does it say I promise to wash your undies and iron all your shirts and keep the house tidy, if it did, brides all over the country would be up in arms or ensuring the groom said them too!!

Your wife does a full days work at home, washing, ironing, cleaning shopping cooking bringing up your child, entertaining that child and teaching it. You need to think about the fact that she does a full time job, she doesn't get paid for it, she's knackered at the end of the day, just as you are. As repayment, she gets no help from you, no thank you, no little gifts of appreciation, and on top of that you forgot her birthday and couldn't even buy her a box of chocs for xmas.
Get a grip or lose her forever

millysg1

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

she's a brilliant mother but i don't understand why she can't do the housework during the day. i would like to spend an evening together once our child is in bed but she's always catching up with some sort of housework. it's not as if the house is particularly clean and tidy afterwards either. when i point out things that need doing she says i'm being very critical in the way i say it. i can feel her slipping away and i don't want her to.

I don't usually call troll but im mortified at the idea that there is a man out there that would say and believe the above. OMG, seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you do the above, then you are a terrible husband and I would have left you by now. Do you really not see it?

trailingspouse

It sounds to me like your wife is making a virtue of necessity when she says she 'doesn't mind' not getting flowers, or Valentines or whatever.

But trust me - she does mind. Just do it. Get flowers and anti-hystamines, simples. Or chocolates, or jewellery or anything.

And another thing - no woman in the history of women every left her man while he was doing the washing up.

You need to woo her - and wooing starts when you wake up, not when you go to bed.

heartbreak_star

I think your username and thread title speak volumes...it sounds like you care more about sex than about your wife as a person.

Make a little list of things you see her doing around the house, and try doing a few yourself.

Find out something she likes (book or movie series) and buy her something related to it. HINT - ask her friends.

And maybe, just maybe, do the housework in the evening now and again while SHE catches up on telly! (That made my blood boil!)

HBS x

duchy

Either the OP is indeed a troll ..............or he does have Aspergers tendencies (I wouldn't dream of producing an on-line diagnosis ).

People with Aspergers tend to see everything in black and white , are often consumed by their hobbies or interests and come across as utterly uninterested when in fact they aren't but it doesn't occur to them to express it.

OP when you come in from work and see a job not done....instead of sitting down in front of the TV and then moaning at your wife it isn't done.......why not do it yourself. If the only time you cuddle her is in bed -then you are giving the message that you only show affection when you want sex - this for women is a turn off, does she buy you Christmas and birthday gifts? If she does then you know getting gifts is nice - so you want your wife to feel nice and appreciated - so you buy them for her too . If you do have traits of Aspergers then spontaneity is a bit of an alien concept to you so set a reminder on your phone to buy her flowers - say every Friday night on your way home. Go out as a family on a Sunday for lunch, get up for your child at weekends so she can have a lie in (and spend that time playing with your child and connecting with them)

The more you do these things the more they become habit.

What made you mention Aspergers in the first place? Has someone else suggested to you that you may have it ?

System

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Pro husband tip: NEVER FORGET HER BLOODY BIRTHDAY

Yes that blasted well pees me off! I know it shouldn't but it does.