sexless marriage :(

Broadwood

Surely this HAS to be a wind-up ?

No relationship or marriage could have survived almost 10 years since going downhill. One partner would have left years ago.

Primrose

Well you do sound a bit of a disaster. Marriage is for sharing and it sounds as if you've pretty much opted out of domestic tasks. And your mother and father are of a different generation. Marriage is all about equality these days. make a commitment to take over a selection of these domestic chores every week so that your wife knows she no longer has to worry about them:


Hoovering upstairs
Hoovering downstairs
Emptying waste bins and putting stuff out for recycling
Weekly clean of lavatory
Weekly deep clean and dusting of bathroom
Dusting rooms
Tidying bedrooms
Ironing


Let's face it, Nobody wants to make love to an unattractively fat person so get serious together about your diets and help your wife with some of the cooking of healthy recipes.

And never forget birthdays and Valentines Day. And some regular bunches of flowers.

dontwannabecelibate

duchy wrote: »

Either the OP is indeed a troll ..............or he does have Aspergers tendencies (I wouldn't dream of producing an on-line diagnosis ).

People with Aspergers tend to see everything in black and white , are often consumed by their hobbies or interests and come across as utterly uninterested when in fact they aren't but it doesn't occur to them to express it.

OP when you come in from work and see a job not done....instead of sitting down in front of the TV and then moaning at your wife it isn't done.......why not do it yourself. If the only time you cuddle her is in bed -then you are giving the message that you only show affection when you want sex - this for women is a turn off, does she buy you Christmas and birthday gifts? If she does then you know getting gifts is nice - so you want your wife to feel nice and appreciated - so you buy them for her too . If you do have traits of Aspergers then spontaneity is a bit of an alien concept to you so set a reminder on your phone to buy her flowers - say every Friday night on your way home. Go out as a family on a Sunday for lunch, get up for your child at weekends so she can have a lie in (and spend that time playing with your child and connecting with them)

The more you do these things the more they become habit.

What made you mention Aspergers in the first place? Has someone else suggested to you that you may have it ?

i'm on a break at work. it's only 10 minutes so i'll try and answer what i can for now.

people started using the asbergers word around me some years back. i had a run in with someone at work because i just couldn't understand his point of view and ended up with a written warning. when i talked to family members about it they said that i'd always been that way, even as a small child. i spoke to my wife who pointed out that i never introduced her to people when we attended work/group events and that i seemed very uncomfortable in that situation. if i have a rant about politics or science or immigration etc people often say 'ooh, that's a bit asbergers'. i do sometimes feel that i think differently to other people. i don't know if it's getting worse with age. perhaps I do need to see someone about it.

[Deleted User]

Judi wrote: »

Yes that blasted well pees me off! I know it shouldn't but it does.

I don't know how you forget your wife's birthday unless you take them for granted and do nothing to celebrate it

If you do find yourself being a bit '!!!-burger-y', just try to build yourself a set of 'social norms/rules' to remember. If you've got a smartphone, but an entry in your calendar to remind you the month before your wife's birthday; for instance

dontwannabecelibate

re the flowers. i have severe asthma. even with antihistamines i'll have a hay fever attack that will lead to an asthma attack. the last time i hoovered anywhere i woke up in the night unable to breathe. it was very scary and took me a good hour or so and several pumps of ventolin to calm down and recover. i tend to avoid anything strong smelling, cleaners, perfumes and so on to avoid the attack. i recently needed a course of steroids after my wife changed the washing liquid to one of those with a very strong smell.

my wife and child were poorly last week and my wife didn't get much sleep. on saturday i got up with our child and went downstairs to let her get some sleep. when she came down she saw me playing destiny on the playstation with our child next to me and went nuts because it's an age 16 shooting game.

thank you all for your suggestions. i will try and do some of these things over the coming days.

System

ringo_24601 wrote: »

I don't know how you forget your wife's birthday unless you take them for granted and do nothing to celebrate it

If you do find yourself being a bit '!!!-burger-y', just try to build yourself a set of 'social norms/rules' to remember. If you've got a smartphone, but an entry in your calendar to remind you the month before your wife's birthday; for instance

Yeah he's got no excuse. He uses his smartphone diary/alarm on a daily basis but just because he doesn't bother with birthdays himself he doesn't bother with anyone elses either.

arbrighton

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

the last time i hoovered anywhere i woke up in the night unable to breathe. it was very scary and took me a good hour or so and several pumps of ventolin to calm down and recover.

How convenient that is for you to get out of it. You do realise presumably that dust (or the mites) aggravate your asthma, so the house needs to be thoroughly cleaned. If you can't hoover, you can wash up or put the toys away etc.

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

my wife and child were poorly last week and my wife didn't get much sleep. on saturday i got up with our child and went downstairs to let her get some sleep. when she came down she saw me playing destiny on the playstation with our child next to me and went nuts because it's an age 16 shooting game.
.

I don't blame her. That isn't caring for the child. It's you being a big overgrown child.

[Deleted User]

Best flowers for those with allergies:
Begonia, cactus, chenille, clematis, columbine, crocus, daffodil, dusty miller, geranium, hosta, impatiens, iris, lily, pansy, periwinkle, petunia, phlox, rose, salvia, snapdragon, thrift, tulip, verbena, zinnia.

These produce little, to no airborne pollen

I'm always a fan of buying orchids as they'll last for ages and look lovely (And i'm rather asthmatic, and prone to eczema)

VestanPance

The OP's posts work better if you read them thinking he's Sheldon Cooper.

itsanne

dontwannabecelibate wrote: »

re the flowers. i have severe asthma. even with antihistamines i'll have a hay fever attack that will lead to an asthma attack. the last time i hoovered anywhere i woke up in the night unable to breathe. it was very scary and took me a good hour or so and several pumps of ventolin to calm down and recover. i tend to avoid anything strong smelling, cleaners, perfumes and so on to avoid the attack. i recently needed a course of steroids after my wife changed the washing liquid to one of those with a very strong smell.

my wife and child were poorly last week and my wife didn't get much sleep. on saturday i got up with our child and went downstairs to let her get some sleep. when she came down she saw me playing destiny on the playstation with our child next to me and went nuts because it's an age 16 shooting game.

thank you all for your suggestions. i will try and do some of these things over the coming days.

Do you now understand why your wife was so unhappy about what you were doing on the Playstation? (You obviously didn't at the time.)

Part in bold: You've had a lot of good advice, as well as some posts which must have been difficult. You've done really well to take it on the chin. Trying the things suggested is great, but bear in mind that it's going to take quite a lot of time to change the dynamics between you and your wife. You're not looking at a few days of effort and then everything will be all right. It's taken years to get to where you are now, so you will need to persevere to convince your wife that things are really different and will stay that way.