Do you tell your OH everything?

Flossie.

blueneleh wrote: »

Hi,

I have recently been told some BIG news by my best friend who has asked me not to tell anyone else yet (incl my OH) which I haven't done (and don't intend to as I promised her) but I feel really bad at not telling him as we usually tell each other everything. In the past it's always kind of been an unsaid rule with our friends that we tell our OH things.

I just wondered whether you all keep these kind of secrets from your OH too or not?

Peter333 wrote: »

No, I wouldn't tell my wife (or anyone,) a secret that my friend had asked to keep to myself.

We don't keep anything from each other, and we share just about everything, (pretty much all our secrets,) but the thing is, if someone tells me their secret, then that is their secret, and not mine. So I would not share it with her (or anyone.)

But if a friend is just telling me stuff, and doesn't specifically ask me to keep it a secret, then I will discuss it with my wife.

I think to assume that your partner/wife/husband will not tell anyone, is very naive. I mean YOU are telling THEM after promising you wouldn't tell anyone, aren't you?

Some excellent points in Peter333's post for the OP. You say blueneleh that you and your hubby tell each other all your secrets, but as Peter333 said, if it's someone else's secret, then you're not keeping anything from him, because it's not your secret is it?

Also, I agree with Peter333, that it is naive to assume that your partner will not tell anyone, just because you told him not to. Because as he said, if your friend told you not to tell anyone, and you are telling your husband, they you told someone. So what makes you so sure that he won't tell someone else? His mother? His best pal? A close work colleague?

If you have been told to say nothing to anyone; say nothing to anyone.

maman

Mojisola wrote: »

If not telling him was worrying me, I'd probably say something like "One of my friends has told me something and asked me to keep it secret even from you. I'm not comfortable not being able to tell you but I'm going to respect her wishes".

Unless I've read this wrongly you're saying 'I know a secret but I can't tell you'.


I think the only circumstances I would tell my DH something secret is if he needed to be put on his guard or to stop him from putting his foot in it. So, for example, one of my friends was behaving a bit oddly due to illness/stress/medication. She had told me in confidence about some of the history. I told DH just enough for him to cut her some slack when we met up next.


Other than that I don't even tell DH everything about me let alone my friends. I don't tell him about every ache and pain because that's boring and if I try to pass on gossip his eyes glaze over!:rotfl:


P.S. A bit off topic, but it reminds me how I'm told some people read their OH's phone messages and emails. I'd hate a relationship with no privacy.

onlyroz

peachyprice wrote: »

That's fine, I can live my life quite happily without the burden of other people's secrets.

I would prefer to be thought of as somebody that my friends could turn to for confidential help with their troubles but each to their own I suppose.

onlyroz

Happier_Me wrote: »

I tell my husband most things as long as its of interest to him and my best friend (which is the source of most of the juicy info) knows this. She has had some ups and downs in her marriage and I get to hear about most of it. But although my DH likes a bit of gossip he doesn't see my friend very often nor is he friends with her DH. That would certainly change what I shared with my hubby.

If I had asked a friend to help me through some distressing marital troubles I would be upset to find that she referred to my difficulties as "Juicy info" and "gossip" to be salaciously shared with her husband.

Jagraf

Maybe if people need to share other people's secrets with their OH there's not enough saucy stuff going on in their own lives.

It's a bit like metaphoric curtain twitching to share your best friends secrets with your OH. Honestly, my OH would just yawn and say "can we talk about us instead?".

lostinrates

maman wrote: »

P.S. A bit off topic, but it reminds me how I'm told some people read their OH's phone messages and emails. I'd hate a relationship with no privacy.

Isn't it super that we can all have the relationship boundaries that suit our relationships best?

I think what suits depends not just on the individuals involved but the circumstances they are in. I would find a lot about my relationship suffocating with previous partners. We miss linked hotmail accounts since that was stopped because it made life much easier for some things. Especially when he is really busy or I am really unwell.

lostinrates

Jagraf wrote: »

Maybe if people need to share other people's secrets with their OH there's not enough saucy stuff going on in their own lives.

It's a bit like metaphoric curtain twitching to share your best friends secrets with your OH. Honestly, my OH would just yawn and say "can we talk about us instead?".

I think the sort of secret needs to be clarified here. My husband would not be interested in a lot of things , but some would change my relationship with the person which might impact him.

For example.....I had a distancing from someone I was extremely close to over their 'secret' ( my normal caveat was given). I didn't tell DH because it had no impact or interest for him but then he said where is 'x' these days? Is everything ok, and I said yes I was just distancing my self a bit for a while as I felt uncomfortable and I couldn't be the friend but I could refrain from nagging and passing judgement all the time. My husband knew the person, knew their past and had no problem determining immediately what the issue was.when the friend returned on the scene no mention was made friend was greeted warmly. ( then it happened again).

Similarly when dh's brother was dumped and didn't want anyone to know I'm glad I was forewarned as going out to supper then living with someone who kept bursting in to tears would have been disconcerting and I might have pressed for him to see a doctor. Instead I was able to put our slightly difficult relationship aside and just hug him a lot and say what ever it is it would pass rather than be horrified and add to his 'break down'.

However. Most of the times this has happened the ' don't tell dh but...' Have directly involved us. Something to do with family gossip about us, what people have said or planned. Our family live all over the world and we keep right out of it, and our keeping right out of it causes huge outrage often! Other times its my family. Once it was that some doctors who'd read about my case ina medical paper somehow worked out that their friends were my in laws and asked to meet me. My In laws thought I'd be resistant, I was, and asked if I might just 'happen' to meet them at a social event if They could arrange it.

supersaver2

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Out of curiosity, when your friends decide to entrust you with their deepest, darkest secrets, do you

A:

say 'please don't tell me, because I am rubbish at keeping secrets,'

OR

B:

do you sit there and let them tell you, promising to keep it a secret, but knowing full well, that you will tittle tattle it back to your OH and anyone else who will listen, at the first available opportunity.

I am willing to bet that it's 'B.'

Slightly unfair and an exaggeration. There is a a world of difference to telling your husband, whom you trust, which is being discussed here or 'tittle tattle it back to your OH and anyone else who will listen.'

onlyroz

supersaver2 wrote: »

Slightly unfair and an exaggeration. There is a a world of difference to telling your husband, whom you trust, which is being discussed here or 'tittle tattle it back to your OH and anyone else who will listen.'

I'm just trying to imagine the sort of conversations you all have with your partners and the reactions you get. If I said to my husband something like "Did you know that Jane thinks she's caught an STD off some guy she pulled in a bar the other week" or "Helen's really worried that she might have to file for bankrupcy because she made some dodgy investments that went wrong" or "Claire's having some tests because she thinks she's infertile" - he would wonder why on earth I was telling him such personal things which were none of his business and would most certainly lower his opinion of me.

peachyprice

onlyroz wrote: »

I would prefer to be thought of as somebody that my friends could turn to for confidential help with their troubles but each to their own I suppose.

Which is great for you, that's the kind of friend you are and want to be. But we all have different friends we turn to in different situations.

All my friends know me well enough to know that I don't really do 'troubles'. I am a very private and pragmatic person and tend to deal with my own problems myself, I really don't do the whole shoulder to cry on thing. Anything fun or anything needs organising, i'm your girl! But i'd rather they share their troubles with a different friend. It doesn't make me less of a friend though.

You only have to look at the types of threads I reply to on here, I never get involved in the emotional support ones, it's not who I am.