Money Moral Dilemma: Why won't my girlfriend ever pay on our dates?

Errata

ttoli wrote: »

Thanks Duchy , here is my original post
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5099304

Yes her family are very traditional but I'm English and things are far better now after talking, we split the bill all the time but treat each other occasionally .
as to MSE using my original post , Yes a PM would have been nice.

You're far kinder than I would be and far, far more courteous than MSE.

quantic

Fizzymartini wrote: »

OK, I'm going to be totally inflammatory here and say yes, "in this day and age" you're totally right, we should all be equal, especially when both are working. But the fact is, we're not. The gender pay gap is all over the news - yesterday marked the day where, effectively, all women are now working for free, while men are paid up to the end of the year.

Obviously personal circumstances vary. But why should everyone be "equal" only when it suits?

I can't control the wider economy but I can and do adjust our contributions so that we pay an equal amount based on our income. Speaking from personal experience I would tend to agree that in some instances Women are discriminated against salary wise and my wife has experienced this personally but I don't really want to get into a equality debate with you.

Let me phrase my question another way, if both people are working, earn a similar wage and all the rest of it. I don't think there is anything wrong with both paying their way.

For the record though, I know a number of people who's wife's earn significantly more than they do, and still expected their partner to pick up the tab.. Just saying!

duchy

They didn't even have the courtesy to let you know ?
Oh my word !

Maybe we should all change our sigs to add a line saying
"I do not give MSE permission to use my posts in their newsletter without prior permission"

Sheesh !

duchy

quantic wrote: »

Let me phrase my question another way, if both people are working, earn a similar wage and all the rest of it. I don't think there is anything wrong with both paying their way.

For the record though, I know a number of people who's wife's earn significantly more than they do, and still expected their partner to pick up the tab.. Just saying!

I don't disagree with you but once married I think it matters less as finances are usually joint anyway for most people. Whose card is used from the joint account or even just the joint budget is moot. I think even if it is from a joint account the man is more likely to be presented with the bill still in a lot of restaurants though so ends up using his card .

Cimscate

duchy wrote: »

They didn't even have the courtesy to let you know ?
Oh my word !

Maybe we should all change our sigs to add a line saying
"I do not give MSE permission to use my posts in their newsletter without prior permission"

Sheesh !

Or maybe consider talking to the person who is affected and not post it for all the world to see!!

rit3737

totally understand your dilemma, you want toimpress your new lady friend, and you want to come across as an attentive andgenerous provider, but you also want her to offer to pay her fair share withoutbeing prompted.



So this is how you do it, you follow BillBennets suggestion, shower her with compliments and tell her you will leave the next date up to her to plan and that you will go along with her suggestion as youare sure it will be a great one. Here is the crux, when the bill arrives the table, either she will automaticallygrab it, or she will sit there demurely expecting you to once again pick up thetab. If this happens flash her your warmest smile, and thank her for awonderful evening, whilst heaping praise on her generosity. If she still looksa little shocked, ask her if it is okay for her to pick up the tab. If she saysof course, brilliant.



If she says she would have paid, but that she hasleft her wallet at home, offer to paybut tell her she can treat you the next time. (if she still doesn’t pay thenext time, go to the next paragraph)



If she flatly refuses to pay, or tells you shethought you were paying gently ask her why ? She will then either tell you ,that you have given her the false impressionthat you are loaded, or that she simply expects a man to always pay for her.



Then I’m afraid you will have to set her straight,tell her you earn the same as her, if she still insists on you always paying,dump her, she is simply using you.





PS Please be warned when men flash too much cashin the beginning they may attract golddiggers, there is a fine line between wanting to impress a new lady friend andgiving her the impression that she has landed a Fat Cat



Good luck

FBaby

The rules for me when I was dating was whoever makes the invit for dinner is who pays. The same applies now that I am married. Somehow, this has always ended up being quite equal, but yes, as it is mainly the men who asked me on the first date, they usually paid on the first date, and then if I liked them, it gave me the chance to say that as they paid that time, I would be the second time. Their choice whether to get a free meal with me or cut their loss if they didn't like me!

leeroy2009

sod these expensive dates, for me it would be a nite in, with a downloaded film, or something already In the collection, with maybe just maybe something from the chippy. or if I was feeling up to it maybe sausage and chips from the freezer.

Voyager2002

leeroy2009 wrote: »

sod these expensive dates, for me it would be a nite in, with a downloaded film, or something already In the collection, with maybe just maybe something from the chippy. or if I was feeling up to it maybe sausage and chips from the freezer.

And how many hearts have you broken with that approach?

justme111

Voyager2002 wrote: »

And how many hearts have you broken with that approach?

Well , the aim is not to break hearts I hope ?:)
Actually treat them mean keep them keen approach may work. Well , probably not in the previous poster case as he would not be in that good shape with that chippy /freezer diet and spending evenings with movies
Although if he was after someone similar it could match .