Money Moral Dilemma: Why won't my girlfriend ever pay on our dates?

quantic

Having experienced quite a number of spongers in my time dating, I made sure that me and my wife went halfers on everything from the beginning. We have a much healthier relationship now.

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem treating her but I do not see this as a "Man treats the Woman" situation. I treat my partner and sometimes she does the same for me. I think a big issue is that a lot of people expect their partner to buy for them but then at the same time question why their partner doesn't treat them as an equal.

In this day and age, I don't see why one person should pay and the other shouldn't - especially when both are working. I know it might not be romantic, but I would rather have real intimacy, honesty and love than Hollywoods idea of romance.

For the record, if my wife chooses (and finances permit) not to work when we have kids, I will have no problem financially supporting her but I feel this is different entirely.

EGC

I've met a few users in my time - they'll certainly take the mickey for as long as you let them, but to be fair, once you put your foot down they're perfectly amenable to paying their share.


Since you're too embarrassed to raise the issue yourself, invite a feminist friend along on the next date and when she (or he) expresses her outraged astonishment at you paying for your girlfriend, just agree that yeah, maybe it's time you started going halves.

Ashagill

Gosh I must say people aren't being especially helpful. He obviously likes her so commanding him to dump her isn't really an option, and I WOULD say this is a money moral dilemma, as it's a fiscally awkward situation.

Having been in that position, where I've had friends who always pay less because they've not the right cash/coins, and say "I'll get it next time" and then don't. And me, trying not to appear like a sponge myself, I do appreciate the quandary.

I would say perhaps suggesting a quiet night in, and drop hints disguised as jokes that you're 'giving your wallet the night off' or something. I would also encourage you to use vouchers and discounts openly. I know you may want to impress, but if she sees that money saving is important to you, maybe that will get her to think of your money as valuable also.

If these subtle things don't work, and it's been a few months in, (or however long it takes you to get more fed up) I would just suggest doing cheap dates, like walks and museums with free entry, etc. as one other person has recommended already.
If she's oblivious then fine, but if she dare mention anything about the cheapness, then you've no excuse not to talk about it.

Good luck!

PaxtonPixie

cazpost wrote: »

If you can't have an open,honest discussion about something this important at this stage of the game ,then the relationship is going to come to a sticky end

I agree with the above, from the limited information provided it is a pretty serious relationship. I believe communication and honesty are fundamental to the success of a relationship otherwise it can develop into resentment,especially when it comes to finances because it is such an important aspect.

There may a reasonable reason why she doesn't offer to contribute but you won't know until you ask. It may not be easy but she needs to know how you feel and visa versa, and then come to a mutual agreement. Worth it in the long run and gives you an idea about her attitude to finances.

blueneleh

No, women don't expect men to pay all the time. I certainly don't.

When I started dating my OH he used to pay all the time (despite me constantly offering) but every now and then he would say to me "your turn to treat me" and I used to be more than happy to do this.

purpleweasel

duchy wrote: »

Leaving a very arrogant expectation that the rest of the world should have the same cultural values as those in Britain.

Although as the original poster said "Do women really still expect men to pay ALL the time?" it is not unreasonable to assume that he is, at the very least, aware of said traditional values...

silkcutblue

OP: "Do women really still expect men to pay ALL the time?"
Me: No.

It'll be hard to broach the subject but you don't want to get super serious and then find you're expected to pay for everything all of the time. That's not traditional values. That's her being a bit cheap.

Fizzymartini

quantic wrote: »

In this day and age, I don't see why one person should pay and the other shouldn't - especially when both are working. I know it might not be romantic, but I would rather have real intimacy, honesty and love than Hollywoods idea of romance.

OK, I'm going to be totally inflammatory here and say yes, "in this day and age" you're totally right, we should all be equal, especially when both are working. But the fact is, we're not. The gender pay gap is all over the news - yesterday marked the day where, effectively, all women are now working for free, while men are paid up to the end of the year.

Obviously personal circumstances vary. But why should everyone be "equal" only when it suits?

WIMBORNE_RESIDENT

I think some misunderstandings have to be cleared up here. Every date I have been on has had a different outlook on this. Some have been wealthier than others, and some have certainly been meaner!
Some are very "careful" with their money and if your relationship is a relationship of soulmates, then it should be easy to work out what is expected of you and, of course, reasonable. It is also quite difficult to work out just how well off anyone is - a cleared mortgage etc does not always mean that anyone is particularly well off or able to spend freely. My advice here is to discuss it quite reasonably like adults - surely the relationship is now sufficiently advanced to be able to broach this subject without either of you being embarrassed or ashamed.

duchy

The other bit that was missed out from the repost was they have only been seeing each other for three weeks -although over that time have seen each other every other day - and the OP feels it is "serious" or heading that way.

Also that her family is a very traditional greek cypriot family (and he's turkish cypriot so possibly they don't have the same cultural expectations too)

I think if I was the OP I'd be a tad miffed that MSE used the post but removed a lot of very relevant stuff.

I do agree with the posters who say talking to her is the best solution though