Money Moral Dilemma: Why won't my girlfriend ever pay on our dates?

rubix_76

When me and my wife go out for a hot date (at McDonalds !) I always pay - from our joint account, so in fact we are both paying.

All of our £ are swimming in the same pond so to speak. :rotfl:

florere

With my first husband in the days before sexual equality (Ha Ha) and men could work alongside women and get paid twice as much for doing the same job the men usually paid. 30 years later when courting my second husband, he earned 3 times as much as I did, he paid, although after we got married, It was I who bought the house. Each according to their means.

heartbreak_star

Moireach wrote: »

Me and my wife both come from a traditional Christian background in the Western Isles of Scotland and I always paid on dates. It's just seen as courteous. "Ladies first" was the policy in the school canteen and that general courtesy to girls and women is still very much part of life in some parts of rural Britain, although many of you don't seem to be aware of it.

Sooo...why only courtesy to females? Why can't you just be courteous to everyone equally?

HBS x

mademoiselle_2

I absolutely agree with Fizzimartini's point about the glaring inequalities in economic status that STILL exist between women and men.

The CMI has published a report that shows that women earn on average 25% less than men - and that figure rises to 35% less in respect of executive pay. If you go up higher still, to those salaries that largely depend on bonuses, men's bonuses are DOUBLE those paid to women.

So we hardly have an equal playing field, do we, when it comes to spending surplus income on luxuries like entertainment and leisure activities?

To be fair, the poster has suggested that he wants his date to pay 'once in a while'. If he wants to be pedantic about it, it looks like her paying one or two times in every four would match the averages on income - which I can't imagine would be much different in the rest of Europe, bar Scandinavia.

That's the economic picture - now what about the social? If you are going out with someone with a view to spending lots more time with them, possibly forming a permanent relationship, you will be looking for 'red flags' about incompatibility.

This chap thinks he sees one, because the woman has never volunteered to pay. But we don't know the circumstances in which he's formed that view. What if he's always deciding what they do and where they go, and jumping in with 'let me get this' as part of 'taking charge' of the situation? The woman may be completely unaware that he is forming an unfavourable impression of her.

I do agree that he needs to discuss this with her, in whatever way is diplomatic. It might be difficult, but it needs to be DONE - otherwise you're not being fair on the person you're dating. (particularly so, as he's found it easier to let countless strangers know about his gripe, first!)

Let's hope it works out! It might come as an unpleasant shock for his date to discover that he's not happy with the status quo; and, depending on how nit-picking he wants to be about it, she might run a few red flags of her own, up the flagpole! Like 'deceptive', 'unromantic', 'hiding true feelings' - and, indeed, 'mean'!

Good luck on that one!

Indie_Kid

I once had to pay because the guy I was dating, didn't have enough money. I've got no problem paying, it was more the fact that I had to. He turned up and then told me he had no money. It would have been nice to have been informed beforehand.

happyinflorida

LOL - do I take it you both go out with your phones firmly held in one hand and you spend all your time updating your facebook, twitter and txting friends?

If not, then ask her - TALK - you !!!!

Fif1985

Personally, I think its nice to be paid for on a first date (but I wouldn't expect it) but then 2nd date on I would always insist on going dutch, if not paying all myself some of the time.


I think you have to raise this directly but casually - don't try to hide it in subtlety, she will either ignore it or miss it. Perhaps just say at the end of the date, that it was lovely, enjoyed yourself & the next one is on her! Then run with it, let her arrange the next date, when the bill arrives give it to her etc. If she refuses or questions it, then is the time to have quite a frank conversation & decide if she is the one!

happyinflorida

duchy wrote: »

What a pity the original post was edited in such a misleading way.

The fact that the girlfriend has a very different cultural background was edited out (as was the fact the OP also doesn't live in Britain either) .

Leaving a very arrogant expectation that the rest of the world should have the same cultural values as those in Britain. Looking at the abysmal divorce rate in Britain why would "our way" be promoted versus a culture with a much better rate of successful marriages ?

Once again a very lazy Money Moral Dilemma

Where did you get this info from?!

I do wish this weekly dilemma was done differently - far, far more information SHOULD BE GIVEN - are you listening there in the offices of MSE, we are all getting really fed up with this crap you keep dishing out!!!!!!

pennypinchUK

Ah, finally, a real dilemma!

I think the introduction of a little humour may be your best bet. Occasional lines like "Are you like the Queen and never carry cash?" or "Ok, twist my arm, if you insist on paying I'll come with you", etc.

However frustrating for the one constantly shelling out, this is a touchy one - prepare to be single again soon!

ttoli

duchy wrote: »

The other bit that was missed out from the repost was they have only been seeing each other for three weeks -although over that time have seen each other every other day - and the OP feels it is "serious" or heading that way.

Also that her family is a very traditional greek cypriot family (and he's turkish cypriot so possibly they don't have the same cultural expectations too)

I think if I was the OP I'd be a tad miffed that MSE used the post but removed a lot of very relevant stuff.

I do agree with the posters who say talking to her is the best solution though

Thanks Duchy , here is my original post
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5099304

Yes her family are very traditional but I'm English and things are far better now after talking, we split the bill all the time but treat each other occasionally .
as to MSE using my original post , Yes a PM would have been nice.