Feeling guilty. Am I wrong? (parents)

DivineSaver

Hi guys.

First of all, I apologise for the long-winded post.

Bit of background.. my parents have lived abroad for the past 6, coming on 7 years. I lived in a small flat which hindered the amount of times they could visit but I just gave up my bedroom for them while they stayed for a week or 2. Last June, I purchased a house with my OH. 3 bedrooms so plenty of room for my parents to stay if they wanted to.

They visited last June to help us move. Got on brilliantly.
They visited last October... a complete disaster, my mum tried to take over and when I confronted her, just spent most of the 3 week visit in her bedroom or out with my dad.
I haven't let her visit since as I told her I wanted an apology and haven't had one yet.
My dad visited this May for 5 days and spent from 10am till 7pm out the house and told us he "didn't feel welcome in the house".

Now my current predicament...

My dad emailed me last Wednesday saying "I'm thinking of coming back on Sunday, is that ok?" I emailed back apologising that me and my OH are going away this week as we booked time off work, and was there anything specific he was coming back for? No reply. Then got an email on Sunday with flight details booked for last Wednesday, yesterday. I immediately phoned my mum (dad wouldn't come to the phone) explaining that I am away this week so he couldn't stay and I couldn't pick him up from the airport. My dad said he didn't receive my reply email but he went ahead and booked it anyway!

I am furious and feeling so so guilty that now my dad is hauled up in a Travel Lodge and am really not enjoying my trip away now. Do I have the right to be mad, or should I have just cancelled my trip and stayed home for his arriving?

My parents are clearly in the huff with me as I haven't heard from them since Sunday.

Indie_Kid

You're not in the wrong here. Why didn't he either wait for your reply or phone you to check?

DUTR

I will tell my parents off from time to time, but to expect an apology is goging too far from your side (IMO) they won't be around forever, and that is what you have to remember most.
No you shouldn't cancel your weekend, can't the parent(s) stop without you being there? Via other transfer arrangements of course.

themull1

Can he not stay in your house when you're not there? are you blowing the argument with your mam out of proportion? it seems a shame to lose contact with her?

jamie11

FGS. What is it with you, they're your parents, what's wrong with offering to let them stay in your absence?

I dunno what your Mum's done for you to demand an apology from her but I bet your OH is involved in someway!

Mojisola

DivineSaver wrote: »

They visited last October... a complete disaster, my mum tried to take over and when I confronted her, just spent most of the 3 week visit in her bedroom or out with my dad.

My dad visited this May for 5 days and spent from 10am till 7pm out the house and told us he "didn't feel welcome in the house".

I can't understand why your Dad would want to spend time with you. He's probably better off in a Travel Lodge.

74jax

I would just cancel your plans and see them if you'll feel guilty. Ifyou won't feel anything then do what you want .

Let them stay in your house though, I wouldn't make them have a hotel.

As for an apology, I'm not sure why?

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

I can't understand why your Dad would want to spend time with you. He's probably better off in a Travel Lodge.

Have to agree. Apologies, keeping the row going, not talking about it and letting it go, hardly happy families

TBagpuss

no, of course you shouldn't have given up your trip.

If your dad chose to come without waiting for confirmation as to whether it was convenient he has no reason to complain if it turns out you can't drop everything to cater to him.

I do think, however, that it might be worth trying to talk to your parents more generally - refusing to let you mum visit for over a year seems quite a strong reaction if you had a previously good relationship, and given that she apprently stopped trying to control things after you confronted her, it seems that expecting a formal apology as well is a bit of any overreaction.

In your position I would have allowed my dad to stay in the house but just let him know you wouldn't be there.

DivineSaver

I haven't lost contact with my mum We speak every other day on the phone or online. When she was here last October she was trying to take over by using the washing machine or tumble dryer without asking... not usually a problem but she was washing one t-shirt and tumble drying 2 socks.. then when I asked her why she was doing this, she flipped her lid shouting and screaming at me that I have changed since they moved away. She then spent the remaining 3 weeks in my spare bedroom or out every day in my car. She also stopped me from using my own car one day because she had already made plans to go somewhere and "it wasn't fair". They never ate with us, never sat with us on a night and the 3 week visit was genuinely awful.

It ended with them sodding off 2 days early to a travel lodge (despite them knowing we had booked a table at a restaurant before they left). When I dropped my mum off at the travel lodge, she told me she hated her trip to visit me and felt I had ruined everything. I believe I tried my best, but it obviously wasn't good enough.

My dad can't stay in my absence because they don't have a key, there is nobody to leave one with and as my house was nearly broken into a fortnight ago, I don't want to leave one in the garden for him.

cazziebo

DivineSaver wrote: »

Hi guys.

a complete disaster, my mum tried to take over and when I confronted her, just spent most of the 3 week visit in her bedroom or out with my dad.

Perhaps you didn't handle this well and you have upset her? Could she be awaiting an apology from you? I would be very upset if a guest felt they couldn't relax in my home.

I haven't let her visit since as I told her I wanted an apology and haven't had one yet.

I think this is very wrong. This is your mother.


My dad visited this May for 5 days and spent from 10am till 7pm out the house and told us he "didn't feel welcome in the house".

do you know why?
Do I have the right to be mad, No or should I have just cancelled my trip and stayed home for his arriving? Why can't your dad stay in your house when you're not there? Even so, no, you shouldn't have cancelled your trip. There is a miscommunication, you're not around, can't be helped.

My parents are clearly in the huff with me as I haven't heard from them since Sunday.

You're the one in a huff with your mum!

my thoughts in blue