Feeling guilty. Am I wrong? (parents)

victory

DivineSaver wrote: »

I haven't lost contact with my mum We speak every other day on the phone or online. When she was here last October she was trying to take over by using the washing machine or tumble dryer without asking... not usually a problem but she was washing one t-shirt and tumble drying 2 socks.. then when I asked her why she was doing this, she flipped her lid shouting and screaming at me that I have changed since they moved away. She then spent the remaining 3 weeks in my spare bedroom or out every day in my car. She also stopped me from using my own car one day because she had already made plans to go somewhere and "it wasn't fair". They never ate with us, never sat with us on a night and the 3 week visit was genuinely awful.

It ended with them sodding off 2 days early to a travel lodge (despite them knowing we had booked a table at a restaurant before they left). When I dropped my mum off at the travel lodge, she told me she hated her trip to visit me and felt I had ruined everything. I believe I tried my best, but it obviously wasn't good enough.

My dad can't stay in my absence because they don't have a key, there is nobody to leave one with and as my house was nearly broken into a fortnight ago, I don't want to leave one in the garden for him.

It is rarely anything to do with how many items your mum put into the washing machine or the tumbe dryer when a family row flares up like this, there is always a back history, resentment to it all.

Does your mum miss you more than she lets on and feels like now she is older would prefer to live in this country closer to you and you have never suggested it?

Did you try within the three weeks to calm it all down and talk to her or talk via your dad to sort it before they left?

If you speak to your mum every day why has this not been brought up again to solve it?

Andypandyboy

I think that your mum probably made the mistake of treating your home as you treated theirs for years. I doubt you thought you had to ask to use the washer etc.

Regardless, they were only there for 3 weeks, surely you could have just smiled and let the iritations wash over you for the duration of their visit?

Fast forward to your Dad's visit, I can't believe there was absolutely no way you could have left a key; old friend, relative, neighbour, failing that, there has to be somewhere safe you could have left one which a burglar wouldn't think to look.

DivineSaver

victory wrote: »

It is rarely anything to do with how many items your mum put into the washing machine or the tumbe dryer when a family row flares up like this, there is always a back history, resentment to it all.

Does your mum miss you more than she lets on and feels like now she is older would prefer to live in this country closer to you and you have never suggested it?

Did you try within the three weeks to calm it all down and talk to her or talk via your dad to sort it before they left?

If you speak to your mum every day why has this not been brought up again to solve it?

There is a lot of resentment. My mum can't handle the fact that I have become independent since they moved away (her words not mine) and that is why she "takes over" by trying to do all the washing, drying, ironing, cleaning... but she is a guest and I don't expect/want her to do this for me.

She does miss me and I know she wants to move back here to Scotland. She can't at the moment due to my dad's job but that is the reason why I bought a big house in the first place, so she could come home and retire here.

I did talk to her but prior to them leaving for the Travelodge, she ended up shouting "Do you want a fight?! You'll f***ing get one" then went out for the night.

I have brought the subject up time and time again since then but when I do, she either goes offline or hangs up on me. She completely refuses to talk about it. I am not trying to pick a fight either. I want to know why she felt unwelcome and why.

markdebby

I'm so glad you are not my son.
My son does not live in the same country as me but no way would he treat me the way you do your parents.
I to would feel unwelcome and if you can't see that....well

victory

DivineSaver wrote: »

There is a lot of resentment. My mum can't handle the fact that I have become independent since they moved away (her words not mine) and that is why she "takes over" by trying to do all the washing, drying, ironing, cleaning... but she is a guest and I don't expect/want her to do this for me.

She does miss me and I know she wants to move back here to Scotland. She can't at the moment due to my dad's job but that is the reason why I bought a big house in the first place, so she could come home and retire here.

I did talk to her but prior to them leaving for the Travelodge, she ended up shouting "Do you want a fight?! You'll f***ing get one" then went out for the night.

I have brought the subject up time and time again since then but when I do, she either goes offline or hangs up on me. She completely refuses to talk about it. I am not trying to pick a fight either. I want to know why she felt unwelcome and why.

She feel lonely? Wanted to feel useful? You said no, don't do it and she was left back feeling lonely and wishing for the past....

lincroft1710

DivineSaver wrote: »

tumble drying 2 socks

Hasn't anyone told her - you shouldn't tumble dry socks.

victory

lincroft1710 wrote: »

Hasn't anyone told her - you shouldn't tumble dry socks.

I do all the time maybe more than just one or two at a time though:D

DivineSaver

markdebby wrote: »

I'm so glad you are not my son.
My son does not live in the same country as me but no way would he treat me the way you do your parents.
I to would feel unwelcome and if you can't see that....well

I felt I tried my best.
Bought a bed for them, got a spare room all set up for them. Even set up a separate living room in the event they didn't want to watch what I was watching on tv (very likely as I watch soaps and my dad can't stand them).
Insured them both on my car and gave them the spare key.
Cooked dinner for them every night (only eaten once because they were out every other evening and cooked their own at 7pm despite leftovers being there for them)
Did all the food shopping, laundry, cleaning...

lincroft1710

To all those criticising the OP.

He's trying to find out why his mother behaved so badly when a guest in his house and would like her to acknowledge this. He obviously wants to heal the rift. Parents do make mistakes, they are not infallible and they should recognise this.

victory

DivineSaver wrote: »

I felt I tried my best.
Bought a bed for them, got a spare room all set up for them. Even set up a separate living room in the event they didn't want to watch what I was watching on tv (very likely as I watch soaps and my dad can't stand them).
Insured them both on my car and gave them the spare key.
Cooked dinner for them every night (only eaten once because they were out every other evening and cooked their own at 7pm despite leftovers being there for them)
Did all the food shopping, laundry, cleaning...

So, all the above and it went wrong because.....?