Feeling guilty. Am I wrong? (parents)

pollypenny

I have sympathy with the OP and I am a mum and MIL who visits, usually for three weeks ?

I wouldn't dream of using the washing machine without asking my DiL first and I certainly wouldn't be washing a single garment.

I am very aware that long-term stays are difficult, I sometimes feel as if I'm walking on eggs even though we are usually there to help while one if them has to travel for work.

With the mother's aggression and use of tumble dryer etc, I'm wondering if there's the beginnings of a real problem, dementia maybe.

catkins

I have lots of sympathy for the OP as his parents sound like my OH's parents.


Me and OH lived abroad for a few years and his parents came and stayed with us at least once every year we were there. They would just announce when they were going to arrive. The first year we were renovating what was pretty much a wreck of a house and we asked them to postpone their trip as we only had 1 usable bedroom with an ensuite and no other working bathroom. No, they insisted on coming.

valk_scot

DivineSaver wrote: »

. Lives off cheese on toast, wine, vodka and neurofen tablets. My dad has started to bulk freeze meals for her when he's at work.

Got to ask does she have an alcohol problem? Or the first stages of dementia? Or both? The kind of behaviour you're describing re the aggression, defensiveness, locking herself away, going out every day and throwing massive strops about nothing much all make me wonder.

busiscoming2

I wondered if she has an alcohol problem? Could this be the root of her problems? Does she resent living abroad and is she jealous of what you and your OH have?

IMO it seems you have done a lot to make them feel welcome and the problem lies with them or more specifically your mum. Am I reading it wrong or was it just your dad visiting this time?

Kaz2904

I too thought it sounded like your mum has a bit of an alcohol problem and I think your Dad knows it.

gettingtheresometime

DivineSaver wrote: »

There is a lot of resentment. My mum can't handle the fact that I have become independent since they moved away (her words not mine) and that is why she "takes over" by trying to do all the washing, drying, ironing, cleaning... but she is a guest and I don't expect/want her to do this for me.

I hate to tell you this but I sound very much like your mum in the sense that my son will always be my baby and as such, when given the opportunity, with mother (not smother!) him whether he likes it or not.

Mojisola

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I hate to tell you this but I sound very much like your mum in the sense that my son will always be my baby and as such, when given the opportunity, with mother (not smother!) him whether he likes it or not.

Why would you do something that you know the person you love doesn't like?

My children aren't babies any more - they are adults and I have an adult relationship with them. They would hate it if I treated them like children.

gettingtheresometime

Mojisola wrote: »

Why would you do something that you know the person you love doesn't like?

My children aren't babies any more - they are adults and I have an adult relationship with them. They would hate it if I treated them like children.

Sorry it came out wrong.

What I meant was that I won't mother as in treating him as a little boy but I don't see washing clothes, ironing etc as mothering per se but doing what I guess I was genetically programmed to do tempered with the knowledge that when I'm not there he can (and does) do it sufficiently ok,

I know what it's like to have someone fussing and doing your housework for you when you don't really want them to but I'm wondering if the mum just wants to be needed?

pollypenny

Kaz2904 wrote: »

I too thought it sounded like your mum has a bit of an alcohol problem and I think your Dad knows it.

I think it's more likely to be the beginning of dementia, as I said in an earlier post.

That sort of swearing and aggression is certainly not normal.

However, it's highly likely that the father is aware of her problem, but not its cause. Perhaps he should be seeking help for thrm both.

DivineSaver

Hi all,

Just to give you a bit of an update. I got in touch with my dad when I got home from our trip yesterday and he is now staying with me for the rest of his visit.

My mum on the other hand was another matter. She was online asking me "when is dad staying at yours?" oblivious to the fact he was already here. Before I could even reply, she launched into a rant "don't you dare think about ignoring him. He is your dad. I can't believe you would be like this. I get the hint, now he obviously isn't welcome" Good start... not... I explained the situation but she didn't believe me. "What do you want from me? Ok lets talk about our last visit then. Lets get this sorted".
So anyway, 20 minute chat later and it turns out the reason why she spent all the time in her room or out, was because of the night she knew I needed to use my car and told me it "wasn't fair" that I took it. She admitted she already knew I had plans that night (I told her 3 weeks before she arrived) and she admitted to lying about not knowing about them. Didn't give me an answer as to why.
Whats worse is she also admitted to lying about my dad telling her he didn't feel welcome last time he was here on his own. She said she made it all up because she didn't want him feeling welcome there. :mad:

I'm furious and I don't know where to go from here.

Is it possible that she has dementia as some have pointed out? Possibly, but I remember her being manipulative and angry/shouty for most of my childhood. It has worsened in the last few years though.

Does she have a drinking problem? Definitely. She is not an alcoholic (yet) but her problem is she drinks until she is drunk and get very argumentative and angry. She doesn't know when to stop.


Thank you all for your replies. They are greatly appreciated... all of them!