Moving in together but losing benefits

maman

Since you're determined, why don't you carry on with looking for a house swap to his town. That way you'll be able to see each other regularly, save money on travel, enjoy living in the new area etc. etc. but not have the downside of living with him until you're sure and he sorts his life out. I believe if you were really sure moving in now was the right thing you'd not have started the thread.

bargainbetty

I'm going to echo a few other people on here. By all means move to his area, or back to an area you feel safer/better/closer to people in. However, this does not mean you have to or should move in with him.

If his property is damp, mouldy etc, help him address the concerns with his landlord. Help him learn how to address problems in his finances too - perhaps a DMP would work better than bankruptcy - has he looked into it properly?

I did move in with someone I had known for nine months. I got a mortgage with him! Then again, we didn't have health issues, neither of us was in debt (until that point) we certainly weren't planning to be entirely dependent on each other and we weren't relying on one income and weren't facing substantial reductions on current levels of income either. If we were doing that, and the debt was all his, I wouldn't be doing it now.

By the way, we got married! And then divorced. Rushing for love doesn't guarantee a damned thing.

Honestly, your emotions are getting in the way of your head. To say that you don't want to miss out on 'another' Christmas without him living there is slightly teenaged - if you've been together nine months it will be your first Christmas with him (oh hell, will that be a learning experience for you both) and there is nothing stopping him sharing the holiday with you but retaining his residence elsewhere.

It comes down to this - you have been independent since the age of 16. Why are you rushing to give this up?

Move to a better location, by all means, but don't invite him to live with you just yet. Ask him to sort out his financials before you connect your life to his, and demonstrate that he can deal with the problems in life (like talking to his landlord).

Laughing with and loving someone are one thing. Turning into a mother figure/banker that takes care of the house because you are utterly dependent on him is another.

I wish you luck.

Miss_Riot

The original idea was for me to move closer to him and him spend more time at mine and slowly move in. That could still happen, and maybe thats the best solution to all of this. Its not exactly what I want, but I think it would be the best option. I don't think it would be another full year before he moved in properly but it would give me more time to see how he does with his finances.

I do trust him, implicitly with everything asides finances. Before I got ill I was good at managing my finances, I have gotten myself into a little debt (on an interest free overdraft) because I needed a comfier bed due to severe back pain but otherwise I think I'm doing fine and I'd like to hope that he will be able to follow by - i hate to say example, but something along those lines.

And I wouldn't be having a baby just yet by any means!

Lily-Rose_3

Whatever you do Miss Riot, I wish you well. Do be careful though.

What you have said so far is ringing a few alarm bells and raising a few red flags, and people have given you some very good and and sensible advice. Nobody is purposely being mean to you.

I guess at least this guy is putting his cards on the table, and you know him 'warts and all' before moving in.

But as some people have said, just be on your guard, because his money issues could get worse, and you will be very involved.

I would still say leave it, but as you seem to want to do it, then go ahead, but be very very careful, and don't give up your secure tenancy. See if you can do a direct exchange.

Izadora

Miss_Riot wrote: »

The original idea was for me to move closer to him and him spend more time at mine and slowly move in. That could still happen, and maybe thats the best solution to all of this. Its not exactly what I want, but I think it would be the best option.

I think that sounds like a much more sensible option. I'm presuming the reason it's not exactly what you want is because you saw the pair of you living together sooner?

The fact that you've talked about it, and having a place together is something you're working towards, I don't think you have any worries over commitment issues so you're better off to let it progress at its own pace and move when finances are a bit more settled rather than rushing it to escape your current living arrangements.

Miss_Riot

I did want to be living with him sooner - the idea originally was not long after our aniversary, which could still happen but we'll see. I wanted to be able to have something that feels emotionally secure if not secure in any other way, because I've rarely had that in the past and I really want to build a proper family home together - somewhere you walk into and know that everyone in that house really loves each other...sounds like a load of crap I'm sure but a couple of my friends have created it and their houses are like little sanctuaries in the middle of a council estate or a row of terrace houses.

I'm going to move up to be nearer to him (and a better support network as I have no friends or family in this town) so I'll be able to get out of the situation I'm in at the moment. I really haven't got good health services here either which is another reason for wanting to move up sooner rather than later.

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

The original idea was for me to move closer to him and him spend more time at mine and slowly move in. That could still happen, and maybe thats the best solution to all of this. Its not exactly what I want, but I think it would be the best option. I don't think it would be another full year before he moved in properly but it would give me more time to see how he does with his finances.

I do trust him, implicitly with everything asides finances. Before I got ill I was good at managing my finances, I have gotten myself into a little debt (on an interest free overdraft) because I needed a comfier bed due to severe back pain but otherwise I think I'm doing fine and I'd like to hope that he will be able to follow by - i hate to say example, but something along those lines.

And I wouldn't be having a baby just yet by any means!

How much debt is he currently in?

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

I did want to be living with him sooner - the idea originally was not long after our aniversary, which could still happen but we'll see. I wanted to be able to have something that feels emotionally secure if not secure in any other way, because I've rarely had that in the past and I really want to build a proper family home together - somewhere you walk into and know that everyone in that house really loves each other...sounds like a load of crap I'm sure but a couple of my friends have created it and their houses are like little sanctuaries in the middle of a council estate or a row of terrace houses.

I'm going to move up to be nearer to him (and a better support network as I have no friends or family in this town) so I'll be able to get out of the situation I'm in at the moment. I really haven't got good health services here either which is another reason for wanting to move up sooner rather than later.

Financially secure is massive, emotional security means very little if you dont have two pence to rub together.

I'll say for myself as a person, I see the good in people or I try to and its bitten me on the bum a few times over the years. You cant change who you are, but sometimes self preservation has to kick in.

All I can say is, the two relationships I had with men who were awful with money were horrendous and I would never go back there, you end up mothering adults who cant deal with their own finances, making excuses for them and if someone is in their mid 20s and above and cant deal with finances, it can take a long time for them to sort things out.

You wont have a sanctuary with someone who doesnt have a clue how to pay a bill. You'll have more headaches than you realise.

Waiting a year would be a very sensible move for you.

Errata

I wanted to be able to have something that feels emotionally secure

You will never achieve emotional security with someone you can't financially trust. That absence of trust will leach into every area of your relationship.

Rosetta_2

Financial issues are one of the biggest causes of arguments between couples.

I can only echo and agree about not risking your credit rating for anyone. Does he have any kind of debt management plan? and how has he got in to debt?