Moving in together but losing benefits

tea_lover

Soleil_lune wrote: »

All I can say is good luck. I think you'll need it.

Definitely! There are so many massive red warning flags about this situation... why would you even consider it OP??

purpleshoes_2

I'll be interested to see if the OP comes back and updates or whether its one of those threads that are started and they disappear.

oystercatcher

I married my current husband over 10 years ago. He had debts when we met, we were both working but I had three children from previous marriage and would have lost CTC if we lived together so he had his own place and 'visited' here for three years until we were married. Once we were married I felt 'safe' in that everything was joint and I paid off his debts from my savings.

A few years later I was horrified to discover he had run up more debts and taken out a loan to pay them off without telling me :eek: he hadn't wanted to discuss money and didn't want to admit he wasn't managing on his rather low wages. We had a very 'rocky' phase but managed to talk things through and compromise. he paid off the loan himself and as far as I know is now managing, which is just as well as I am now too ill to work so he has to support us both. fortunately he now earns significantly more, he still doesn't like discussing his personal spending though and I do worry. I 'think' he has learned his lesson but there is always a slight element of doubt and I don't want to have to treat him like a child and go through his bank accounts and justify every sandwich he buys for lunch.

I think what I am trying to say is that finances can be very complex and it's not easy for people to change their habits or to discuss what has caused the problems. You may feel you know this man well but in the grand scheme of things you are still at a very early stage in the relationship . if you both live independently but 'visit' when required you will have more money between you and he can demonstrate that he is able to manage his own finances. Do you really want to be living with a 'manchild' who can't manage his own spending and has to have all his money paid into your account and wait for you to give him pocket money? This situation could cause huge amounts of resentment. It can't hurt to wait a little longer and get to know each other better. If this is a lasting relationship then he won't be going anywhere, and if it isn't then at least you have lost nothing.

marisco_2

Errata wrote: »

Stay where you are. He's already kicked one woman and his child into the long grass and his life is in chaos.

I think you are viewing this man very harshly. There could be all manner of reasons as to why he is no longer living with the mother of his child. The OP states that he pays maintenance for his son, so he isn't a deadbeat dad who is shirking all responsibility.

Marisco

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Soleil Lune - No kids as yet! I'm having to wait til I'm a little better at least!

The worry is that it could be some time before I'm able to get myself back to work. He has been honest about everything and we've talked about me being responsible for bills and his pay check going straight to me. So we wouldn't have any financial connection with a joint account or anything. We wouldn't be moving before January at the earliest so we will have been together for not far off a year. I've spent a lot of time with him since we met and if the tenancy agreement is in my name I've got all the rights over the place.

And? Why is that a worry? Surely it would be better for him to get some sort of order with his finances, you wait until you're better and in work again, then you can both start "from scratch"? Even if it takes a year, it must be better than losing a lot of money pm that neither of you can afford to do at the minute.

As someone said, why can he not just spend 3/4 days at yours and go back to his for the remaining time? Let him sort out his finances, then revisit the "problem" in 6 months and see where you're at.

Indie_Kid

Why is there such a rush to move in together?

Izadora

Are there any restrictions on you staying at each other's places?

If not then I'd stay as you are for now. I can see why you'd be in a hurry to move in together if paying separate rent/bills was costing you £500 a month extra but losing that much money just so that you're officially living together doesn't seem to make all that much sense.

System

Izadora wrote: »

Are there any restrictions on you staying at each other's places?

If not then I'd stay as you are for now. I can see why you'd be in a hurry to move in together if paying separate rent/bills was costing you £500 a month extra but losing that much money just so that you're officially living together doesn't seem to make all that much sense.

Thinking about it, i've just reaised form a benefits POV there could be issues.

The DWP tend to judge people on whether they are living as husband and wife, now if they clearly have different addresses and live independently there is less chance of confusion, but if he stayed over a lot and someone reported her it could potentially trigger an investigation.

The benefits board may be able to explain it better, but i'm thinking maybe this is why the OP is partly keen to move in

FBaby

But I have a feeling that you're going to go ahead and do it anyway, despite all the advice from posters on here against it.

To be fair, we are only strangers, and not the most unbiased one. I know for a fact that I have made choices that the vast majority here would have advised me against, yet it has worked out very well.

Even if OP decides to go for it because her heart tells her it is the right thing to do, the advice can still help her with taking some precautions.

lulu_92

I understand why you want to move in together even though it's reasonably early in the relationship. If you're going to do it you should wait until after he declares bankruptcy to avoid bringing your credit down too.

Personally I think you should wait until his debt is clear but you are free to do as you like