Moving in together but losing benefits

lostinrates

What you are suggesting is a very co dependant relationship. This can bring issues in established relationships where health or circumstances invade. But to go in to it with him depending on you for household and ' organisation' and you demanding on him for finance and care shortfall with the other issues of unresolved financial issues ( which he has not sorted out yet a path to sort out even without your intervention).

The issue over residency with the children/ abusive partner seems a bit rum to me. If he feared it he would chase with no representation. But like his financial situation, perhaps he just lacks motivation? Or is it always someone else's fault....?

As someone both often financially and physically often dependant on my partner I can assure you this would not be satisfactory if we were not responsible emotionally, as chronic health brings its own strain.

Indie_Kid

There's no 3 night rule with benefits - it's a myth.

I do think you're rather naive here. Again - why the rush to move in together? Can't he rent somewhere closer to you?

ViolaLass

I agree with other posters who have suggested you live near each other first - it's a nice intermediary step.

millysg1

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Most people I know moved in together within their first year of being together.

Really??? Im 27 and don't know of any of my friends who moved in together in less than a year.

Oh no, I do!
one friend of mine moved in with her OH at 6 months, he also had a lot of debt. They then married a year later.

All rosey then????

Nope, after 2 months of being married and together 2 years(and her thinking she knew everything about this man, was very close to all his friends and family and work mates and had now bought a place together), he got arrested for being an online sex predator!

Now im not saying your OH could have such extreme problems but she admits (as we told her from the start when she was rushing into everything) She did not give it enough time before taking each step in their relationship. She was also ill and didnt want to hold back in life. How she regrets it all now, got the divorce through earlier this week.

Indie_Kid

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Most people I know moved in together within their first year of being together.

My parents did. But they weren't in debt and had known each other for a few years by then.

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Thats incredibly unfair! I'm 25, so the clock is far from deafening! I have just had enough serious health issues/berevements/etc in my life to know sometimes not every eventuality can be covered and from what I'm reading here, as long as we are open and honest before we move in, continue to have good communication, and I don't mind having to rebuild my credit rating then moving in is worth it. I'm not doing it blind, I'm aware of the potential issues here (now, thank you those of you who haven't called me desperate who offered some good advice).

What would you do? Wait for 5 years or more, living 60 miles away, clocking up huge mileage/travel costs just because of some things which could happen in any relationship or to keep my credit record in pristine condition? This thread has definitely made me think about some aspects I hadn't before but this is too precious to put off that long. I wouldn't see the point in continuing with a relationship if things hadn't progressed beyond wanting to live together within 2 years, I would see commitment issues.

I wouldnt be damaging my credit record for anyone. I dont agree with the 2 year time frame, plenty of people are happy in relationships dating and not living together. Its not about a set time frame, its about what both people are happy with.

The fact that he cannot handle money well is a bigger red flag than the fact that he has some debt. You are taking on being responsible for every single penny he has. What if he accumulates more debt, who will pay it? If your answer is he won't, how do you know that.

Its not about good communication, its about your partner being an adult and taking control of his finances/debt without you having to do it for him.

Why is it too precious to wait? You could wait 12 months, it wont be the end of the world. I actually think you know if you don't wait what will happen is that he'll rack up more debt and that you are going to have to step in and sort a bigger mess out before long.

As for him living in inappropriate accommodation, thats for him to sort out. He has friends he could stay with for a few weeks, thats not really good enough. You are giving up a secure tenancy to move into another secure tenancy, hes giving up a private let which has less security, but its more than if he was sleeping on someone's sofa.

You either trust him or you don't and I think keeping the tenancy in your name is a wise move, but I think you also know there are major potential problems ahead.

Thats before you even hit the day to day niggles with two people living together as opposed to just dating, but his financial issues mean you are going to be having to take control of his money from the outset, not good.

He may have positive qualities but the poor money management and debt is major. In 12 months time if you are sitting in a flat with more debt, a hammered credit rating and someone who is unhappy because he doesnt have access to his own cash who doesn't want to leave if you split up you might look back and wish you had waited.

Ive had sudden bereavements as well, I still wouldn't move in with someone unless things were on a more positive footing than this scenario seems to be.

lulu_92

I was with my OH for a year and 4 months before we moved in together. I tell you, you have no idea what your OH is like until you live with him properly and I'm sure my OH would agree! Factor in that OH and I worked together until 7 months ago too!

Even now, two years on our finances are not joint yet, as we are waiting until we sell his house and buy one together.

I would say move closer to where he lives instead of moving in together. That way you get your own time and space. Because of the difference in hours between OH and I we get our own free time and space and it's lovely!

lostinrates

I don't think there is Right time frame that suits all. In more equitable circumstances I would feel this time frame were pretty healthy.

Errata

purpleshoes wrote: »

I wouldnt be damaging my credit record for anyone. I dont agree with the 2 year time frame, plenty of people are happy in relationships dating and not living together. Its not about a set time frame, its about what both people are happy with.

The fact that he cannot handle money well is a bigger red flag than the fact that he has some debt. You are taking on being responsible for every single penny he has. What if he accumulates more debt, who will pay it? If your answer is he won't, how do you know that.

Its not about good communication, its about your partner being an adult and taking control of his finances/debt without you having to do it for him.

Why is it too precious to wait? You could wait 12 months, it wont be the end of the world. I actually think you know if you don't wait what will happen is that he'll rack up more debt and that you are going to have to step in and sort a bigger mess out before long.

As for him living in inappropriate accommodation, thats for him to sort out. He has friends he could stay with for a few weeks, thats not really good enough. You are giving up a secure tenancy to move into another secure tenancy, hes giving up a private let which has less security, but its more than if he was sleeping on someone's sofa.

You either trust him or you don't and I think keeping the tenancy in your name is a wise move, but I think you also know there are major potential problems ahead.

Thats before you even hit the day to day niggles with two people living together as opposed to just dating, but his financial issues mean you are going to be having to take control of his money from the outset, not good.

He may have positive qualities but the poor money management and debt is major. In 12 months time if you are sitting in a flat with more debt, a hammered credit rating and someone who is unhappy because he doesnt have access to his own cash who doesn't want to leave if you split up you might look back and wish you had waited.

Ive had sudden bereavements as well, I still wouldn't move in with someone unless things were on a more positive footing than this scenario seems to be.

She doesn't trust him, which is why she wants to tie him down with bits of paper because his word isn't good enough for her.

Peter333

nonnatus wrote: »

OP - why does it have to be YOU making all of the sacrifice?

Ask him to prove his commitment to the project. Ask him to move the 60 miles CLOSER to you, ask him to secure a bedsit or flatshare near to you. Watch him closely as he manages his bankruptcy over the next year. If / when your love has remained strong through to the end of next year, you'll BOTH be in a better position to think about combining homes and making a family.

You'll have him near enough to support you and spend time with him and you will still be independent of his forthcoming problems.

Is that logical?

Good Luck x

I agree largely with this (not sure about him moving 60 miles away from his son though.) But I agree with the majority of it. Specifically the bit I have bolded.

I have no idea why you are in such a rush to move in with this man at all 'Miss Riot,' but as some posters have already said on here; it seems that you had already made up your mind before you posted the thread. So it makes me wonder why you bothered posting it really.

Maybe you were hoping that a lot more people would support you? But not one person has. (Not that I can see anyway.) Are you seriously not asking yourself why?

You are definitely seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses. No matter what people are saying to you, you have this 'yeah but, yeah but' attitude. Quite common amongst young people/teenagers, who absolutely will NOT take advice from people who know better. Many of the people advising you know what they are talking about, because they have been there, and worn the boots and t-shirt! Why aren't you listening?

If I had a pound for every time my wife and I had advised our 3 children on things, and they didn't listen, and we were right all along; I could buy a brand new yacht right now!

Seriously, listen to the advice Miss Riot! It's all good advice.

Oh, and nobody is 'flaming' you.

And finally, just curious, but why did you bother posting the thread, when you had clearly made up your mind already, about what you were going to do? :huh: