Moving in together but losing benefits

Homeownertobe

So you're too ill to work but fine to look after a baby and then a toddler and then a hyperactive child for five years until he or she goes to school?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Thats incredibly unfair! I'm 25, so the clock is far from deafening! I have just had enough serious health issues/berevements/etc in my life to know sometimes not every eventuality can be covered and from what I'm reading here, as long as we are open and honest before we move in, continue to have good communication, and I don't mind having to rebuild my credit rating then moving in is worth it. I'm not doing it blind, I'm aware of the potential issues here (now, thank you those of you who haven't called me desperate who offered some good advice).

What would you do? Wait for 5 years or more, living 60 miles away, clocking up huge mileage/travel costs just because of some things which could happen in any relationship or to keep my credit record in pristine condition? This thread has definitely made me think about some aspects I hadn't before but this is too precious to put off that long. I wouldn't see the point in continuing with a relationship if things hadn't progressed beyond wanting to live together within 2 years, I would see commitment issues.

What I would do, having brought two children up and subsequently confirmed as having an unexpected return of a degenerative medical condition affecting my ability to work, is not give up any financial independence, not rely on somebody else to keep a roof over my head and not have children when too ill to work; being pregnant and healthy is hard enough - if you're ill enough to need looking after now, it'll be far, far harder when carrying a baby - or looking after a newborn, a baby, a toddler, a child or a teenager. Even if he sticks around for the next twenty years.

There's no reason why you can't move into your own place nearer him. There's no reason why he can't move into a nicer place without waiting for you to come and rescue him.


But you didn't want advice. You wanted somebody to say love conquers all and you should ignore even your own misgivings and throw away your security.


So sorry to not be patting you on the head and saying it'll all end happily ever after. If you like, I'll do that now, just so you get the right answers to justify your choices, instead of the almost constant stream of ' it is a Very Bad Idea, don't do it'.




It's a brilliant idea, he won't resent being treated as a child, it'll all be perfect and you'll never find yourself reliant upon benefits again because he's had enough of looking after you (most people can do a year of living together, but they seem to reach the 'i can't do this anymore ' or 'i don't want to live like an old person' after about two years), with all the debt and obligations falling upon you. You won't find out that the reason he's actually in debt is that he's an irresponsible mam child who doesn't pay his bills. You won't end up trying to pay rent, bills and his maintenance payments because he's lost his job again - after all, he either took out lots of credit whilst not in a permanent job long enough to qualify for a redundancy payment or didn't use it to clear his debts.




Whatever. [shrug] I guess it's just all so romantic, rescuing him from a stinking, mouldering bedsit, taking care of all his money so he doesn't have to bother his pretty little head with that sort of thing and making sure his problems are all sorted out at your expense.

FBaby

OP, you could have been my ex's new partner. When she met him (and at least for another year or more afterwards), she believed that his debts were not his fault, that he was managing them ok, and that a lot of them were due to me. She moved in with him and slowly realised that things were not at all how he had described them. They separated, but thankfully got back together and worked things through.

I do agree with posters that i think you are naive because you seem to believe that everything he says is describing his situation, when all it is his interpretation of it. I get the feeling that you want to move with him right away because you want out of your current situation and in one that you are fantasizing about.

I think there is nothing wrong in taking big steps to make a new situation work for you. Sometimes it does work against all odds, but please do protect yourself. I don't think you are as much at risk financially moving with him as there is emotionally, as I feel that you think you know him much better than you probably do. You haven't known each other well and you can't have been seeing each other every evening living that far away. I can assure you you will find out things about him when you share his space that will come as a surprise, hopefully not shock though! Follow your heart, but be on your guard, and know where your escape route is, just in case.

nonnatus

OP - why does it have to be YOU making all of the sacrifice?

Ask him to prove his commitment to the project. Ask him to move the 60 miles CLOSER to you, ask him to secure a bedsit or flatshare near to you. Watch him closely as he manages his bankruptcy over the next year. If / when your love has remained strong through to the end of next year, you'll BOTH be in a better position to think about combining homes and making a family.

You'll have him near enough to support you and spend time with him and you will still be independent of his forthcoming problems.

Is that logical?

Good Luck x

heartbreak_star

I don't think you're daft.

I do think you're very, very naive.

Take off your rose-tinted glasses!

HBS x

FBaby

Ask him to prove his commitment to the project. Ask him to move the 60 miles CLOSER to you,

That would be very selfish considering he has a young son (unless the move brings him closer to the child).

I don't understand how I can hardly know someone who I have spent every weekend with since February, been on holiday with, met all his friends and family, look after his son as if he was my own, have wept with, have laughed with, and have talked about future extensively with.

Mmmm, you never really know someone until you share important things with them, ie. your home, your finances, your family. At the moment, all you have shared is the good things. Trust us, it is a very different picture when you start having to share the not so good. That's when you get to know that person.

I wouldn't see the point in continuing with a relationship if things hadn't progressed beyond wanting to live together within 2 years, I would see commitment issues.

Totally agree with you, but there is a difference between wanting something and preparing for it and actually doing it without accepting the potential pitfalls.

Most people I know moved in together within their first year of being together.

Most people I know don't, but then they are probably those who did once and have learnt better since!

CH27

Miss_Riot wrote: »

The time I spend with him I really enjoy, and its moving to an area where I can do more of the things I enjoy and if we split then its not a small town where everyone know everybody.

If things breakdown between us, he has friends who he could stay with for a few weeks.

All his wages would get paid to me and all the bills would go out of my account. We would have to agree how much he would get and I would get in terms of disposable income, I doubt it would be much for either of us but its something we would both need to keep communicating about.

I don't understand how I can hardly know someone who I have spent every weekend with since February, been on holiday with, met all his friends and family, look after his son as if he was my own, have wept with, have laughed with, and have talked about future extensively with. I know a heck of a lot of things about him, good and bad! I don't see him without his imperfections, but I don't want to to miss out on another christmas without us living together. Most people I know moved in together within their first year of being together.

I don't think you really get to know someone until you live with them.
You haven't shared a christmas, an anniversary or possibly birthdays yet.

ellesbellesxxx

Miss_Riot wrote: »

If things breakdown between us, he has friends who he could stay with for a few weeks.

All his wages would get paid to me and all the bills would go out of my account. We would have to agree how much he would get and I would get in terms of disposable income, .

This is what worries me... I appreciate he is going bankrupt but I don't think it is a good idea for you to take over his money... this could lead to a lot of resentment/arguments in the future. This is very early on in your relationship for him to be supporting both of you - and my worry is that it can lead to issues.
You saying that he has friends he could stay with if the relationship broke down - what's to stop him saying he has been paying the bills, it's you who needs to move out?


I do appreciate that you are doing long distance which puts a lot of pressure on a relationship but I would proceed with caution - 25 is a great age but you don't have to rush things,you have all the time in the world.

Marisco

Miss_Riot wrote: »

- We need to find out more about what would happen if/when he makes himself bankrupt and if thats even the right thing for him to do, and I think we need to have a written agreement between us about how we sort things out between us financially.

Sounds like you've pretty much made your mind up, so it's a waste of time asking what to do on this board! As for the bolded bit, you need to go onto the bankruptcy board, they'll put you straight about the implications of bankruptcy.

Errata

Miss_Riot wrote: »

I think we need to have a written agreement between us about how we sort things out between us financially.

That's a good idea, you've realised he's untrustworthy.
Although it's worth pointing out that such an agreement won't be worth the paper it's written on.