Moving in together but losing benefits

purpleshoes_2

maman wrote: »

Odd maybe but unusual, not at all. I'd say it's fairly common when a poster asks a question and doesn't get the responses they want.


My guess is the OP really wants to move in with her BF although her head is telling her it would be financial madness with the further risk that she's known him for a relatively short time. She's also unwilling to wait until she gets herself on her feet, fit and back to work. I thinks she knows all this but was hoping someone would think it was a good idea.

True, well there might be an update in a year or so telling us how it's going.

Miss_Riot

- My condition may never get better, I hope it will but I would still be looking at 3 years or so before I could go back to working full time.

- His ex was abusive and he has tried to get custody of his child but without legal aid the fees are prohibitive.

- I fell in love with him not his credit history. He did tell me fairly early on about it and money never has been the be all and end all for me, but obviously I don't want to live in poverty.

- I haven't replied because I've actually spent most of today in hospital, I am a new poster, is flaming really required?

- I know this situation could have many pitfalls, but I live 60 miles away, I aware of the benefit situation with staying over more than 3 nights and I'm away from all my friends where I am. He is currently living in a flat thats expencive to heat (key meter and storage heaters) and full of damp and mould. His health is starting to suffer and we both want him out of it!

Neither of us want credit cards or mortgages right now (or for the next 5 years at least), neither of us will be working in banks, insurance or such like. Yes it might not be easy (and I do understand the point several people made about his earnings being clawed back for bankrupcy - but they do have to leave you money to live on, and these are all matters we need to consider and talk through further), but I'm also weighing up how miserable I'll be staying where I am for the next how many ever years until his bankrupcy is up and when/if I get better.

I haven't totally disregarded everything people have said (asides those saying I should wait a lot longer - its not like we've only known each other weeks!) But life is precious, I can't just sit around waiting for "the right time" when who knows what could happen to either of us in the mean time. We need to find out more about what would happen if/when he makes himself bankrupt and if thats even the right thing for him to do, and I think we need to have a written agreement between us about how we sort things out between us financially.

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

- My condition may never get better, I hope it will but I would still be looking at 3 years or so before I could go back to working full time.

- His ex was abusive and he has tried to get custody of his child but without legal aid the fees are prohibitive.

- I fell in love with him not his credit history. He did tell me fairly early on about it and money never has been the be all and end all for me, but obviously I don't want to live in poverty.

- I haven't replied because I've actually spent most of today in hospital, I am a new poster, is flaming really required?

- I know this situation could have many pitfalls, but I live 60 miles away, I aware of the benefit situation with staying over more than 3 nights and I'm away from all my friends where I am. He is currently living in a flat thats expencive to heat (key meter and storage heaters) and full of damp and mould. His health is starting to suffer and we both want him out of it!

Neither of us want credit cards or mortgages right now (or for the next 5 years at least), neither of us will be working in banks, insurance or such like. Yes it might not be easy (and I do understand the point several people made about his earnings being clawed back for bankrupcy - but they do have to leave you money to live on, and these are all matters we need to consider and talk through further), but I'm also weighing up how miserable I'll be staying where I am for the next how many ever years until his bankrupcy is up and when/if I get better.

I haven't totally disregarded everything people have said (asides those saying I should wait a lot longer - its not like we've only known each other weeks!) But life is precious, I can't just sit around waiting for "the right time" when who knows what could happen to either of us in the mean time. We need to find out more about what would happen if/when he makes himself bankrupt and if thats even the right thing for him to do, and I think we need to have a written agreement between us about how we sort things out between us financially.

No one is flaming you, it's called expressing an opinion.

You seem to have your eyes closed to the downsides of moving in with someone who is about to go bankrupt, is awful with money and has a terrible credit rating.

Were you miserable where you were before you met this man?

How much do you really know about him? His ex was abusive, you know this how?

You might end up living in poverty if you move in with this man. Have you thought about where you are going to live? Housing association, private let? Are you giving up a secure tenancy to move in with him?

His wages will be paying for most of the bills, you have said this yourself, you'll only have your DLA to live on. What would happen if he lost his job?

You are contemplating giving up being financially secure to be with someone who is financially insecure and if you want to take that on, fine, but you don't seem to realise just how difficult the road ahead might be if you commit, even in the short term.

Couples moving in together should be for positive reasons, there's very little positive in anything you've posted so far apart from the fact that you love one another, the rest is a disaster waiting to happen entirely due to his debt and inability to manage his finances.

Miss_Riot

Yes I've been miserable even since I moved here. I've tried everything I could have to make friends and found it near on impossible!

I think I know him pretty well, I know his ex was (and still is to some extent) abusive from what all of his friends have said (even so who were originally her friends) and the way she behaves now.

I have a council house and am looking to swap to his area. I'd never give up my secure tenancy unless (in many years time) we have the money to buy!

If he lost his job then we would have to claim benefits again, probably based on my health again until he found something.

I am only financially secure until the government decide that someone who knows very little about my condition or my medical records can re-assess me and take away everything I currently get. At least I would no longer be living with that fear constantly looming over my head.

Ok, can you explain exactly what some of those things that I haven't realised are, because I had thought that I had sussed most of these problems out, but maybe there are some obvious things I haven't yet taken into account.

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Soleil Lune - No kids as yet! I'm having to wait til I'm a little better at least!

The worry is that it could be some time before I'm able to get myself back to work. He has been honest about everything and we've talked about me being responsible for bills and his pay check going straight to me. So we wouldn't have any financial connection with a joint account or anything. We wouldn't be moving before January at the earliest so we will have been together for not far off a year. I've spent a lot of time with him since we met and if the tenancy agreement is in my name I've got all the rights over the place.

I think you also need to get advice on the housing board re this. Even the fact that you are having to consider getting the tenancy agreement in your name is a massive red flag. This is someone you love and you want to be with, who you'll move in with even though you'll be financially worse off, but you don't trust him enough to get the tenancy in both your names.

I understand why you might want to get the tenancy in your name only, due to his money management, but the fact that you are having to do this, I assume for your own protection, should be a major red flag in itself.

Also, if things went wrong and the tenancy was in your name and you'd stay, where would he go? Hes in a private let thats making him ill and you want to be with him, but you want the tenancy to be in your name?

If things did go wrong and I bet they would sooner or later with his track record with cash, hed be back to square one, in fact he'd be worse off than he is right now, because he'd be homeless.

If he cant be responsible for his own money and his own bills steer well clear, its a recipe for absolute disaster. He's an adult, you won't be doing him any good by clearing up after him and managing his every penny.

Like trying to fix a broken bone with an elastoplast.

purpleshoes_2

Miss_Riot wrote: »

Yes I've been miserable even since I moved here. I've tried everything I could have to make friends and found it near on impossible!

I think I know him pretty well, I know his ex was (and still is to some extent) abusive from what all of his friends have said (even so who were originally her friends) and the way she behaves now.

I have a council house and am looking to swap to his area. I'd never give up my secure tenancy unless (in many years time) we have the money to buy!

If he lost his job then we would have to claim benefits again, probably based on my health again until he found something.

I am only financially secure until the government decide that someone who knows very little about my condition or my medical records can re-assess me and take away everything I currently get. At least I would no longer be living with that fear constantly looming over my head.

Ok, can you explain exactly what some of those things that I haven't realised are, because I had thought that I had sussed most of these problems out, but maybe there are some obvious things I haven't yet taken into account.

I think you are trying to swap one set of living circumstances for another and neither are what you really want. Being unhappy in your current circumstances shouldnt mean that you rush into something else which by the sounds of it, wont be better for you.

You wont be financially secure with someone who cant manage his money. Unless he gets his wages paid into your bank account every month and you get standing orders or direct debits paid to cover every single bill going out, you won't have control over his finances. If that does happen, you may as you said yourself end up in a situation where hes resentful of you because he has less disposable income than he does right now, you said yourself that you are going to lose income if you move in with him, so his wages and your DLA are going to have to cover all his outgoings, yours, what he pays to his ex and his debts until he goes bankrupt.

I appreciate you not giving up your tenancy to be with him, but you are moving someone in with you who in real terms you don't know that well, but what you do know about him and his finances isnt good.

If you move him in and things break down then what? As I said in my last post where is he going to go? If he is stuck in a flat that's no good for him at the moment Im assuming he doesnt have anyone who would allow him to be at theirs in the short term, so if things didnt work out for you and him where would he live?

You arent responsible for the situation hes found himself in right now, either financial or living arrangements.

Miss_Riot

No I trust him, I'm just not sure what would be best for us. I thought it would have a baring on my credit rating, but I'm not sure it would.

He can and is responsible for is own money, he ran up debt in the past for various reasons and when he got made redundant just after his son was born he wasn't able to pay them back and they quickly became impossible to pay back because of interest accrewed.

I would only be managing things whilst the bankrupcy order was in place and the idea would be that I would gradually give him more control over things during that period until they are 50/50. i don't want to clear up his mess but i do want to help him do it himself whilst not having a sacrifice living together for what could be 5 years or so!

I know this will seem like I'm trying to give excuses but I'm trying to put forward ideas which I have to make things easier and more managable and less like to go belly up rather than saying this is what I'm doing, end of.

Miss_Riot

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think you are trying to swap one set of living circumstances for another and neither are what you really want. Being unhappy in your current circumstances shouldnt mean that you rush into something else which by the sounds of it, wont be better for you.

You wont be financially secure with someone who cant manage his money. Unless he gets his wages paid into your bank account every month and you get standing orders or direct debits paid to cover every single bill going out, you won't have control over his finances. If that does happen, you may as you said yourself end up in a situation where hes resentful of you because he has less disposable income than he does right now, you said yourself that you are going to lose income if you move in with him, so his wages and your DLA are going to have to cover all his outgoings, yours, what he pays to his ex and his debts until he goes bankrupt.

I appreciate you not giving up your tenancy to be with him, but you are moving someone in with you who in real terms you don't know that well, but what you do know about him and his finances isnt good.

If you move him in and things break down then what? As I said in my last post where is he going to go? If he is stuck in a flat that's no good for him at the moment Im assuming he doesnt have anyone who would allow him to be at theirs in the short term, so if things didnt work out for you and him where would he live?

You arent responsible for the situation hes found himself in right now, either financial or living arrangements.

The time I spend with him I really enjoy, and its moving to an area where I can do more of the things I enjoy and if we split then its not a small town where everyone know everybody.

If things breakdown between us, he has friends who he could stay with for a few weeks.

All his wages would get paid to me and all the bills would go out of my account. We would have to agree how much he would get and I would get in terms of disposable income, I doubt it would be much for either of us but its something we would both need to keep communicating about.

I don't understand how I can hardly know someone who I have spent every weekend with since February, been on holiday with, met all his friends and family, look after his son as if he was my own, have wept with, have laughed with, and have talked about future extensively with. I know a heck of a lot of things about him, good and bad! I don't see him without his imperfections, but I don't want to to miss out on another christmas without us living together. Most people I know moved in together within their first year of being together.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Miss_Riot wrote: »

- My condition may never get better, I hope it will but I would still be looking at 3 years or so before I could go back to working full time.

- His ex was abusive and he has tried to get custody of his child but without legal aid the fees are prohibitive.

- I fell in love with him not his credit history. He did tell me fairly early on about it and money never has been the be all and end all for me, but obviously I don't want to live in poverty.

- I haven't replied because I've actually spent most of today in hospital, I am a new poster, is flaming really required?

- I know this situation could have many pitfalls, but I live 60 miles away, I aware of the benefit situation with staying over more than 3 nights and I'm away from all my friends where I am. He is currently living in a flat thats expencive to heat (key meter and storage heaters) and full of damp and mould. His health is starting to suffer and we both want him out of it!

Neither of us want credit cards or mortgages right now (or for the next 5 years at least), neither of us will be working in banks, insurance or such like. Yes it might not be easy (and I do understand the point several people made about his earnings being clawed back for bankrupcy - but they do have to leave you money to live on, and these are all matters we need to consider and talk through further), but I'm also weighing up how miserable I'll be staying where I am for the next how many ever years until his bankrupcy is up and when/if I get better.

I haven't totally disregarded everything people have said (asides those saying I should wait a lot longer - its not like we've only known each other weeks!) But life is precious, I can't just sit around waiting for "the right time" when who knows what could happen to either of us in the mean time. We need to find out more about what would happen if/when he makes himself bankrupt and if thats even the right thing for him to do, and I think we need to have a written agreement between us about how we sort things out between us financially.

So you're desperate, then. Reckon it might be that your only chance to have kids is with him, etc.

Fair enough.

I hope everybody else who is looking at this without their body clock ticking audibly and not making excuses for the poor helpless love is wrong.

Miss_Riot

Thats incredibly unfair! I'm 25, so the clock is far from deafening! I have just had enough serious health issues/berevements/etc in my life to know sometimes not every eventuality can be covered and from what I'm reading here, as long as we are open and honest before we move in, continue to have good communication, and I don't mind having to rebuild my credit rating then moving in is worth it. I'm not doing it blind, I'm aware of the potential issues here (now, thank you those of you who haven't called me desperate who offered some good advice).

What would you do? Wait for 5 years or more, living 60 miles away, clocking up huge mileage/travel costs just because of some things which could happen in any relationship or to keep my credit record in pristine condition? This thread has definitely made me think about some aspects I hadn't before but this is too precious to put off that long. I wouldn't see the point in continuing with a relationship if things hadn't progressed beyond wanting to live together within 2 years, I would see commitment issues.