Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

FBaby

I'm not resentful or angry.

Only you really know what your daily life is like, but why do you think it comes up so strongly on all your posts? To feel frustration and a need to express it as you do, there's got to be something behind it.

notanewuser

Peter333 wrote: »

When you type a lot of text; highlight it, then 'right-click' and click 'copy' so if the page DOES go off or blank or your internet crashes for a few seconds (and this DOES happen, usually when you have typed a 300 word post!) then you will have it on your clipboard to 'paste' into the post again; it saves retyping it.

It's always when you've typed an essay isn't it? Never when the post is 10 words long! :mad:

I'm posting on a phone at the moment and the browser hung. Might type longer posts elsewhere though as its not the first time it's happened.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Only you really know what your daily life is like, but why do you think it comes up so strongly on all your posts? To feel frustration and a need to express it as you do, there's got to be something behind it.

If you re-read my original post there was no frustration or anger. Actually much of the frustration this time around came from posters on here making their own minds up based on things I'd never said!!

notanewuser

theoretica wrote: »

I think that not planning may be a mistake for you and it would be worth seriously considering making plans and booking things about the time you start making hopes.

My reading of this whole thread is it came up in part because you had strong hopes (especially for the overnight trip) which you hadn't crystalised into plans. They were clear enough in your mind to be really disappointed at a change, but not fixed enough to enable you to turn around and say 'but we have already booked'. In my world either you have plans, or anyone involved may make changes. Besides, sometimes you can get great bargains booking ahead!

Pretty much impossible though due to the nature of DH's work. Not a bargain if you can't go!

That said, I might say that I'd like to plan to be away next year - it's the last one before the fines would kick in for taking her out of school.

meer53

notanewuser wrote: »

I think that's a bit unfair. I'm not resentful and I don't store up lots of little things to throwback in an argument - although that's very much DH's way. Please remember that I'm analysing particular things on here and that's not indicative of daily life!

I haven't forgiven DH's parents for their behaviour following DD's birth. I may never be able to. My PTSD may well flare up around her birthday or many years to come. That doesn't mean that I don't want DH's family to come and visit, or for us to visit them. I am prepared to make the effort but I am no longer prepared to be played for a fool by DH or anyone else. Showing him practically this time how much work they create as opposed to anyone else that visits seems to have sunk in - he's now quite keen that they don't come for bonfire night! I hadn't said anything to the friends that came beforehand and they've all messaged me since to say how hard they found it to relax around them and how little they got involved in anything. So I'm comfortable in knowing it's not just me.

I also acknowledge that they aren't going to go away, and that DH's conditioning means he isn't ever going to see it as anything but normal. Given the distances involved it's not something which colours daily life. It remains to be seen what happens the next time they suggest coming down and DH's willingness to allow it!

I disagree, you are resentful. You can't let go of whats happened in the past. Can't you just accept that whats in the past can't be changed and move on ? Do you think your OH's parents set out to upset you ? Why do you say your "DH's conditioning" ?? You're suggesting again that your in laws are to blame for the way he is. He's a grown up, why are you blaming them for how he acts now ? He's to blame, not his parents. Why would your DH not be willing to allow his parents to come and visit again ? Maybe it's because he will get the "your parents once made me ill and i'll never forgive them" vibe each time ?

Try to forgive what happened. If you can't then your DH isn't the right person for you and i don't give your relationship much of a chance for much longer.

notanewuser

meer53 wrote: »

I disagree, you are resentful. You can't let go of whats happened in the past. Can't you just accept that whats in the past can't be changed and move on ? Do you think your OH's parents set out to upset you ? Why do you say your "DH's conditioning" ?? You're suggesting again that your in laws are to blame for the way he is. He's a grown up, why are you blaming them for how he acts now ? He's to blame, not his parents. Why would your DH not be willing to allow his parents to come and visit again ? Maybe it's because he will get the "your parents once made me ill and i'll never forgive them" vibe each time ?

Try to forgive what happened. If you can't then your DH isn't the right person for you and i don't give your relationship much of a chance for much longer.

We all change slightly when around our parents. All of them (DH and his brothers) are desperate for their parents' approval, and there's a clear shift in behaviour in all of them when the parents are around. They become bullish and competitive and it's not attractive in the least.

I don't blame DH for his parents ' behaviour.

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't blame DH for his parents ' behaviour.

That's not what was said though...

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

If you re-read my original post there was no frustration or anger. Actually much of the frustration this time around came from posters on here making their own minds up based on things I'd never said!!

Really, only your second or third post and you end it with 'grrrrrr'... if that's not frustration or anger, what is it? Call it annoyance if you want, but I think you are deluding yourself thinking you are not affected by negative feelings, sorry

CH27

I'm sorry NANU but I do think there is a lot of anger & resentment in your posts & threads.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Really, only your second or third post and you end it with 'grrrrrr'... if that's not frustration or anger, what is it? Call it annoyance if you want, but I think you are deluding yourself thinking you are not affected by negative feelings, sorry

Yes, grrrrr in response to a chain of events and circumstances outlined. I don't use grrrr to signify anger, and yes, I was mildly frustrated at that time because of what was happening.

By your post ai assume that your front door is never locked, anyone you like can one and stay whenever they like with no arrangements necessary and that you go through life with a permanently cheery disposition.

I grrrrred when DH put the wrong girl in my car, because it was hassle to sort out and something I could have done without. I grrrred when some idiot drive into my perfectly parked car. I grrrrred when a delivery driver left a parcel in the garden in the pouring rain rather than leaving it with a neighbour. I use it to signify mild annoyance, not unbridled rage!