Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

I just wonder what the procedure will be next year - for DD's birthday and for your birthday?

"Procedure"?! What do you mean?

I don't plan anything that far in advance. (That said I would hope we'd be abroad/on holiday somewhere.)

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

I agree,it really is murky waters, you did this, you said that, I felt this way, you upset me when, every single little thing is thought about, remembered, dragged up never forgotten or forgiven so now as it has been said everything has a second meaning to it and will be seen in a negative way, a sort of expecting way as last time this and that happened so this time it will be the same, so much unresolved issues that never got cleared up completely the relationship suffers because of it....

Write down what really bugs the hell out of you ,when it happened, how many times you let it go unresolved, how much resentment and anger you have towards the situation, how often it happened again and talk about it to your OH, put everything out there, make it your purpose to be understood and for it never happen again, it will make your life easier.

I think that's a bit unfair. I'm not resentful and I don't store up lots of little things to throwback in an argument - although that's very much DH's way. Please remember that I'm analysing particular things on here and that's not indicative of daily life!

I haven't forgiven DH's parents for their behaviour following DD's birth. I may never be able to. My PTSD may well flare up around her birthday or many years to come. That doesn't mean that I don't want DH's family to come and visit, or for us to visit them. I am prepared to make the effort but I am no longer prepared to be played for a fool by DH or anyone else. Showing him practically this time how much work they create as opposed to anyone else that visits seems to have sunk in - he's now quite keen that they don't come for bonfire night! I hadn't said anything to the friends that came beforehand and they've all messaged me since to say how hard they found it to relax around them and how little they got involved in anything. So I'm comfortable in knowing it's not just me.

I also acknowledge that they aren't going to go away, and that DH's conditioning means he isn't ever going to see it as anything but normal. Given the distances involved it's not something which colours daily life. It remains to be seen what happens the next time they suggest coming down and DH's willingness to allow it!

thorsoak

notanewuser wrote: »

"Procedure"?! What do you mean?

I don't plan anything that far in advance. (That said I would hope we'd be abroad/on holiday somewhere.)

To be honest, from your previous threads and posts, I will be surprised if you are together by this time next year.........unless things change drastically.

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

I think that's a bit unfair. I'm not resentful and I don't store up lots of little things to throwback in an argument - although that's very much DH's way. Please remember that I'm analysing particular things on here and that's not indicative of daily life!

I haven't forgiven DH's parents for their behaviour following DD's birth. I may never be able to. My PTSD may well flare up around her birthday or many years to come. That doesn't mean that I don't want DH's family to come and visit, or for us to visit them. I am prepared to make the effort but I am no longer prepared to be played for a fool by DH or anyone else. Showing him practically this time how much work they create as opposed to anyone else that visits seems to have sunk in - he's now quite keen that they don't come for bonfire night! I hadn't said anything to the friends that came beforehand and they've all messaged me since to say how hard they found it to relax around them and how little they got involved in anything. So I'm comfortable in knowing it's not just me.

I also acknowledge that they aren't going to go away, and that DH's conditioning means he isn't ever going to see it as anything but normal. Given the distances involved it's not something which colours daily life. It remains to be seen what happens the next time they suggest coming down and DH's willingness to allow it!

It may seem to be but the thing with I don't know, resentment or anger or unresolved issues is it builds up a barrier, it festers, it never gets settled, it stews and from there the negatives take over and it is hard to find a positive or to expect acceptable positive behaviour that will please you and make you appreciate the good in the relationship.

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

To be honest, from your previous threads and posts, I will be surprised if you are together by this time next year.........unless things change drastically.

Ah, what a lovely, positive post. Thanks so much for that.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

It may seem to be but the thing with I don't know, resentment or anger or unresolved issues is it builds up a barrier, it festers, it never gets settled, it stews and from there the negatives take over and it is hard to find a positive or to expect acceptable positive behaviour that will please you and make you appreciate the good in the relationship.

I'm not resentful or angry. As I've said there's only one thing I can't actively forgive and it's very rarely come up as any sort of issue. There's no reason it has to come up in future.

I do appreciate the good. I'm certain it will only improve once we get this month of complete mania out of the way (we've barely an hour to spare till Nov).

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

To be honest, from your previous threads and posts, I will be surprised if you are together by this time next year.........unless things change drastically.

She's been posting about all this for years, I expect it would take something completely different and drastic to actually end it rather than staying on this same miserable merry go round.

OP, if you feel asleep, and your husband swanned off without telling anybody where, who was going to pick your child up from nursery if you didn't wake up in time? Would he have considered that?

When you first got together, is this how you imagined things would be 10 or 15 or however many years it is down the line?

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

She's been posting about all this for years, I expect it would take something completely different and drastic to actually end it rather than staying on this same miserable merry go round.

OP, if you feel asleep, and your husband swanned off without telling anybody where, who was going to pick your child up from nursery if you didn't wake up in time? Would he have considered that?

When you first got together, is this how you imagined things would be 10 or 15 or however many years it is down the line?

My parents pick DD up on Mondays so he knew that wasn't an issue.

As another poster that seeks only to antagonise I'm going to think on before answering your other questions.

theoretica

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't plan anything that far in advance. (That said I would hope we'd be abroad/on holiday somewhere.)

I think that not planning may be a mistake for you and it would be worth seriously considering making plans and booking things about the time you start making hopes.

My reading of this whole thread is it came up in part because you had strong hopes (especially for the overnight trip) which you hadn't crystalised into plans. They were clear enough in your mind to be really disappointed at a change, but not fixed enough to enable you to turn around and say 'but we have already booked'. In my world either you have plans, or anyone involved may make changes. Besides, sometimes you can get great bargains booking ahead!

Peter333

notanewuser wrote: »

Dammit. Just lost a huge reply. Grrrrrr. Will be back shortly.......

When you type a lot of text; highlight it, then 'right-click' and click 'copy' so if the page DOES go off or blank or your internet crashes for a few seconds (and this DOES happen, usually when you have typed a 300 word post!) then you will have it on your clipboard to 'paste' into the post again; it saves retyping it.

It's always when you've typed an essay isn't it? Never when the post is 10 words long! :mad: