We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Finding a compromise? Any tips?!
Comments
-
-
notanewuser wrote: »Which predominantly relate to............
Your OH & his family.Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0 -
notanewuser wrote: »We all change slightly when around our parents. All of them (DH and his brothers) are desperate for their parents' approval, and there's a clear shift in behaviour in all of them when the parents are around. They become bullish and competitive and it's not attractive in the least.
I don't blame DH for his parents ' behaviour.
You blame his parents for his behaviour. He's a grown up, he's responsible for his own actions. You also blame your in laws for you ongoing PTSD. It's time to let this go and move on or your life will always be full of stress. How his family act in front of their parents isn't anything you need to worry about but it seems to bother you. You're letting it affect your relationship. You're not going to change it so why waste your time trying to ? Just accept that thats how they are and live your life.
I never changed around my parents or my in laws ? I don't change in front of anyone. I'm me, if people don't like me then thats their problem, not mine.
Whilst you are continually harking back to stuff from the past, nothing will change.0 -
You blame his parents for his behaviour. He's a grown up, he's responsible for his own actions. You also blame your in laws for you ongoing PTSD. It's time to let this go and move on or your life will always be full of stress. How his family act in front of their parents isn't anything you need to worry about but it seems to bother you. You're letting it affect your relationship. You're not going to change it so why waste your time trying to ? Just accept that thats how they are and live your life.
I never changed around my parents or my in laws ? I don't change in front of anyone. I'm me, if people don't like me then thats their problem, not mine.
Whilst you are continually harking back to stuff from the past, nothing will change.
To clarify a few incorrect points you've made. I do not blame his parents for my PTSD or it being ongoing. With a lot of work it's something that doesn't often emerge now. However, as it is as a result of DD's traumatic birth, it does affect me in the run up to her birthday. Any reminder of their behaviour immediately following can intensify it. So during a time when I have a very stressful and hectic calendar with lots of demands on my time, chucking in something which is a serious trigger can have significant impact. Which is what happened this time. Not to mention that being something that would inevitably cause me even greater workload!
I am disappointed occasionally that DH will appear to put his family above DD and I. That's all linked to the way the boys were raised though. He is beginning to acknowledge that his family and he are very capable of being quite unhelpful! As they live a long way away and only contact us when they want something that isn't something which is a problem most of the time.
I accept that DH's family are never going to go away and that we are unlikely to ever agree on the issue. I asked for suggestions of ways to find a compromise, not a complete personality assessment and estimates of how long my marriage might last!
(You may think you don't change around your parents but I could bet significant sums that you do. You might not notice it, but others will!)Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
-
notanewuser wrote: »To clarify a few incorrect points you've made. I do not blame his parents for my PTSD or it being ongoing. With a lot of work it's something that doesn't often emerge now. However, as it is as a result of DD's traumatic birth, it does affect me in the run up to her birthday. Any reminder of their behaviour immediately following can intensify it. So during a time when I have a very stressful and hectic calendar with lots of demands on my time, chucking in something which is a serious trigger can have significant impact. Which is what happened this time. Not to mention that being something that would inevitably cause me even greater workload!
I am disappointed occasionally that DH will appear to put his family above DD and I. That's all linked to the way the boys were raised though. He is beginning to acknowledge that his family and he are very capable of being quite unhelpful! As they live a long way away and only contact us when they want something that isn't something which is a problem most of the time.
I accept that DH's family are never going to go away and that we are unlikely to ever agree on the issue. I asked for suggestions of ways to find a compromise, not a complete personality assessment and estimates of how long my marriage might last!
(You may think you don't change around your parents but I could bet significant sums that you do. You might not notice it, but others will!)
I'm not criticising, but i had a traumatic pregnancy and birth too. Resulting in my daughter being in an incubator in the NICU for 5 weeks after her birth. She was premature. I stayed in hospital with her. She is a perfectly healthy 14 year old now. Her Father left us when she was 2 years old for someone else. Every single day, i am grateful for how my life has turned out, it could have been so very, very different.
I am lucky that i am the sort of person who can look forwards and not back at everything that happened to me. If i constantly did that it would make me ill.
How other people perceive me doesn't worry me, and i don't worry about other people and how they live their lives. Even members of my own family, some of whom have decided to be the most obnoxious people to be around. If you struggle to accept the way your OH is, do something about it. Try just accepting it.
Lifes too short to sweat the small stuff.0 -
If you were not annoyed, upset, angry, or frustrated with your OH's behaviour on your birthday, why was he thoughtless? Surely what makes an act thoughtless is how it impacts on others. If it doesn't have a negative effect, than how can it be thoughtless? Maybe he did it knowing that you would be annoyed, angry, frustrated with the way he went about things.
I know we have put you in the defensive seats by saying that you are brewing resentment, but all what you've been writing on your threads so reminds me of how I felt with my ex, and is so poles apart from how I feel now, I can't help assimilates your situation with mine then, and I know now that I was suffering from resentment and frustration, even if I wasn't so aware of it at the time.0 -
I'm not criticising, but i had a traumatic pregnancy and birth too. Resulting in my daughter being in an incubator in the NICU for 5 weeks after her birth. She was premature. I stayed in hospital with her. She is a perfectly healthy 14 year old now. Her Father left us when she was 2 years old for someone else. Every single day, i am grateful for how my life has turned out, it could have been so very, very different.
I am lucky that i am the sort of person who can look forwards and not back at everything that happened to me. If i constantly did that it would make me ill.
How other people perceive me doesn't worry me, and i don't worry about other people and how they live their lives. Even members of my own family, some of whom have decided to be the most obnoxious people to be around. If you struggle to accept the way your OH is, do something about it. Try just accepting it.
Lifes too short to sweat the small stuff.
I'm grateful every single day for my daughter. I do look forwards (just not a year ahead!) but also make a point of living for every day too. My sister and I were raised to be grateful for every passing birthday, as not everyone is lucky to make it that far.Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
If you were not annoyed, upset, angry, or frustrated with your OH's behaviour on your birthday, why was he thoughtless? Surely what makes an act thoughtless is how it impacts on others. If it doesn't have a negative effect, than how can it be thoughtless? Maybe he did it knowing that you would be annoyed, angry, frustrated with the way he went about things.
I know we have put you in the defensive seats by saying that you are brewing resentment, but all what you've been writing on your threads so reminds me of how I felt with my ex, and is so poles apart from how I feel now, I can't help assimilates your situation with mine then, and I know now that I was suffering from resentment and frustration, even if I wasn't so aware of it at the time.
He was thoughtless not to consider how I would feel waking up to find him gone with no note or message left. That was nothing to do with my birthday.Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
notanewuser wrote: »I'm grateful every single day for my daughter. I do look forwards (just not a year ahead!) but also make a point of living for every day too. My sister and I were raised to be grateful for every passing birthday, as not everyone is lucky to make it that far.
But you're allowing other people to affect your daily life. You live with your OH, not his family, forget about them and how they behave. Do whats right for you and your family, don't spend days stressing about when they come to visit or what plans may or may not be suitable. If you relaxed a little bit and just went with the flow life would be much easier for you, and your OH. He obviously doesn't worry too much about it !
If people have to sleep on floors or amuse themselves whilst you spend time with your daughter, so be it. If i have people who want to come and stay and they have to sleep on my sofa, and i have to feed them whatever is in my cupboards, or they have to feed themselves, thats how it is. They can take it or leave it. They keep coming so it's obviously not an issue for them !
Once you've mastered this, teach your OH0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

Categories
- All Categories
- 351.9K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.1K Spending & Discounts
- 244.9K Work, Benefits & Business
- 600.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.4K Life & Family
- 258.7K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards