Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

FBaby

Thanks to some of the advice on this thread I was able to make him see my POV and he reassessed quite significantly. But it's small steps.

So is that what the issue is all about, him seeing your point of view so that HE can reassess his actions? Have you also taken advice about trying to see his POV and making reassessments too?

welfayre

FBaby wrote: »

So is that what the issue is all about, him seeing your point of view so that HE can reassess his actions? Have you also taken advice about trying to see his POV and making reassessments too?

The OPs DH knows she suffers from PTSD, knows that the lead up to DDs birthday can be extra stressful due to this, knows there are issues between OP and In Laws, knew they had plans for DDs birthday but decided the most logical thing to do was to invite the In Laws to stay at the house that weekend without discussing it with the OP first.

I'd say that in this instance there's not much reassessment needed from the OP.

bloolagoon

welfayre wrote: »

The OPs DH knows she suffers from PTSD, knows that the lead up to DDs birthday can be extra stressful due to this, knows there are issues between OP and In Laws, knew they had plans for DDs birthday but decided the most logical thing to do was to invite the In Laws to stay at the house that weekend without discussing it with the OP first.

I'd say that in this instance there's not much reassessment needed from the OP.

By the same point I don't understand why someone with PTSD would put themself under so much stress at trigger time. The month OP has planned would stress me let alone someone who finds this time of year difficult. Going to weddings you don't need to and having guests had such complex social arrangements can't be good.

purpleshoes_2

notanewuser wrote: »

Am I speaking Chinese? THEY HAVE NO IMPACT ON OUR DAILY LIFE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT PART OF IT. The stress only comes from us visiting them or their rare visits to us.

The problem here was DH's invitation without discussion and his refusal to consider the impact it would have I everything else. Thanks to some of the advice on this thread I was able to make him see my POV and he reassessed quite significantly. But it's small steps.

You've started a fair few threads on here over the months, most about your OH and his family. I think its fair to say that your OH doesn't support you in the way that he could/should.

You sound frustrated and miserable. Surely there must be a way to try and move forward and get more support rather than look forward to years of this stress re his family.

Are you happy on the whole in your marriage and do you feel supported in general? I think its very easy to convince ourselves at times that that's just the way someone is when its really not good enough and I speak from experience on that one.

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

Keep calm lovely.

I am calm. :beer: Just not sure how much clearer I can make it really!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

So is that what the issue is all about, him seeing your point of view so that HE can reassess his actions? Have you also taken advice about trying to see his POV and making reassessments too?

I do see his POV. All the time. That's precisely why I've never said that his family can't come, or that we won't go there etc. That's why I remind him to call his brothers on their birthdays, buy presents for nieces and nephews' birthdays, suggest skyping, talk to DD about his family etc. That's why I discuss arrangements with him, check that he's okay with people coming to stay, make no demands for him to get involved with the things he hates, manage the boring bits of daily life like car maintenance and finances. I don't see me always getting the same consideration.

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

By the same point I don't understand why someone with PTSD would put themself under so much stress at trigger time. The month OP has planned would stress me let alone someone who finds this time of year difficult. Going to weddings you don't need to and having guests had such complex social arrangements can't be good.

Part of my PTSD therapy is trying to make good memories at my trigger times. Having DD's friends over wasn't a stressful thing, and the friends that would have stayed are no problem. We couldn't go on holiday due to a 60th birthday trip - not really easy to rearrange that. As we were here I wanted DD to have the birthday she really wanted.

I can cope with manic, I can cope with busy, and I can cope with several days and weeks of reduced sleep. It was DH's complete inability to accept any sort of compromise that tipped me over the edge.

notanewuser

purpleshoes wrote: »

You've started a fair few threads on here over the months, most about your OH and his family. I think its fair to say that your OH doesn't support you in the way that he could/should.

You sound frustrated and miserable. Surely there must be a way to try and move forward and get more support rather than look forward to years of this stress re his family.

Are you happy on the whole in your marriage and do you feel supported in general? I think its very easy to convince ourselves at times that that's just the way someone is when its really not good enough and I speak from experience on that one.

Yes, I've felt unsupported. It can be like having 2 pre-schoolers at times. Hopefully this event will be a catalyst for a bit of change. I'm pretty sure he got the message, and I most certainly have!

gettingtheresometime

Perhaps as your OH has never had consequences of his actions he's never really thought about them.

By that I mean before it sounds as if he's made plans which has resulted in more work for you and you've just sucked it up.........and this time the worm turned. (not that I'm calling you a worm lol)

People won't change if they don' see the consequences of their actions.....and for what its worth I would have been furious if OH had gone out all day and hadn't at least left a note - regardless of the date

notanewuser

I really don't get what goes on in his head sometimes. He likes to put DD to bed, so does it whenever circumstances allow. In the past fortnight he's "forgotten" to get her to go to the loo and brush her teeth before bed 2 or 3 times. They aren't things that only happen occasionally - DD does them every morning and night. Last night he also "forgot" to put her into pyjamas, tucking her up in her filthy muddy leggings and top instead! Apparently I should remind him what needs to happen.

Please tell me that's not normal. (I haven't made a fuss about it, but I'm not about to remind him twice daily about things that should be habit by now!)