Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

meer53

The more you post the more i wonder why you're still with your OH.

You don't sound happy, he doesn't sound happy.

purpleshoes_2

notanewuser wrote: »

I have said already that I've not got upset about the leggings thing. It's just another example of stuff I don't understand!

We did go to see a counsellor a while back - it was DH's idea. She put a flea in his ear about not being a child and being able to do things himself (amongst other things). Things did change for a few weeks (he was more helpful and understanding etc) but then he refused to take any responsibility and wouldn't go back because he thought it unfair that she'd taken my side!

I know its not that easy when you love someone and you have a child together, but it sounds awful. I think the best thing you could do is sit down and work out whether you see a long term future with this man and if so, what has to change so you can be happier.

I would think hes probably not happy either at the moment as well.

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

I really don't get what goes on in his head sometimes. He likes to put DD to bed, so does it whenever circumstances allow. In the past fortnight he's "forgotten" to get her to go to the loo and brush her teeth before bed 2 or 3 times. They aren't things that only happen occasionally - DD does them every morning and night. Last night he also "forgot" to put her into pyjamas, tucking her up in her filthy muddy leggings and top instead! Apparently I should remind him what needs to happen.

Please tell me that's not normal. (I haven't made a fuss about it, but I'm not about to remind him twice daily about things that should be habit by now!)

No it's not normal but TBH by the age of 4 all of my children put their own pyjamas on and brushed their own teeth (with supervision) and the child would say "silly daddy I've not brushed my teeth".

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

No it's not normal but TBH by the age of 4 all of my children put their own pyjamas on and brushed their own teeth (with supervision) and the child would say "silly daddy I've not brushed my teeth".

She was so tired I think she just wanted to get to bed. She's only just 4 and struggles with tops, but can change her own bottoms unassisted.

FBaby

I don't think anyone is going to help you because your are always contradicting yourself in a defending way. The latest is the going to bed routine highlighting his failings on a number of occasions in the last two weeks but when pointed out may e DD is at an age where she could pick up on it you claim she didn't because she was tired. Every single time it happened?

Also wanted to point out about the counsellor who seemed to Hebrew been sorting out your OH. If that is what the counsellor did then they need to retrain. A counsellor should nave take side or tell their clients they are in the wrong. They should encourage them to reflect on their situation and look at solutions. I've never heard of a relationship counsellor who would just point out one's faults let alone one who who only focus on the faults of one party only.

I know that how we come across a forum is not forcibly how we are in real life but that's all we got to go about and what strikes me in your posts is how ultimately you always seem to consider that you are in the right and the others are in the wrong and it is for any one else to make changes rather then you.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think anyone is going to help you because your are always contradicting yourself in a defending way. The latest is the going to bed routine highlighting his failings on a number of occasions in the last two weeks but when pointed out may e DD is at an age where she could pick up on it you claim she didn't because she was tired. Every single time it happened?

Also wanted to point out about the counsellor who seemed to Hebrew been sorting out your OH. If that is what the counsellor did then they need to retrain. A counsellor should nave take side or tell their clients they are in the wrong. They should encourage them to reflect on their situation and look at solutions. I've never heard of a relationship counsellor who would just point out one's faults let alone one who who only focus on the faults of one party only.

I know that how we come across a forum is not forcibly how we are in real life but that's all we got to go about and what strikes me in your posts is how ultimately you always seem to consider that you are in the right and the others are in the wrong and it is for any one else to make changes rather then you.

I think you're applying quite considerable bias to the reading of my posts. I have no idea what "Hebrew been sorting out" is meant to mean, but I didn't say that the counsellor only focussed on his faults. I pointed out that he refused to go back because she made points about his (I think he thought she'd vindicate him).

DD has not long started full time school and is pretty knackered coming home. She'd probably forget she was hungry if I didn't put food down in front of her! (Again you asked "every single time?" as if it was happening hourly. It happened 2-3 times.)

I have never said I'm completely right and everyone else is wrong. I know full well that I have my faults too.

meer53

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm really not unhappy. I don't think either of us would stay if we were truly unhappy. The significant change of lifestyle that came with having DD has/is taking some serious adjustment. My mum wasn't at home when I was growing up and my dad was as hands on as it gets. DH had his mum at home his whole life. The counsellor pointed out to him that he'd seem to have fallen into an expectation of everything being done for him again and just doing whatever he liked whereas I was struggling to make sense of the situation as it differed so much to my own experience.

My job was a huge part of my life and we both had very active social lives both apart and seperately. Since DD my social life tends to involve her whereas he's persuing all of the things he did before her still, which don't involve us (and won't).

Your daughter is 4, the adjustment should be done by now. If it isn't then you both need to sit down and talk about how things are going to be in the future. Wait until you have a teenager, these are the easy years.

Your OH sounds like a lot of blokes. He wants another mother, not a wife. You can decide who you want to be.

SuzieSue

meer53 wrote: »

Your OH sounds like a lot of blokes. He wants another mother, not a wife. You can decide who you want to be.

Exactly, I think a lot of marriages are exactly like the OP's marriage. Some women (like the OP) can put up with it and others can't.

victory

victory wrote: »

Absolutely true:) why was it you that had to take the bedding off and put the washing machine on? His mistake, he can sort it out, why do you go and do it and then feel you have extra work because of it, adds to the 'he did this wrong' 'he has done that' he did not support me' round and round in circles scenario.

Talk to each other, listen, hear what each other is saying. Work out together what each of you bring to the relationship, what each of you are prepared to do without building on the mountain of negativity surrounding you.

I will reqoute myself as my post seems to be completely ignored, would hazard a guess that as others have been put in the naughty chair:rotfl:

I agree that no one is going to be able to help you because every time a suggestion or solution is given you 'tailor' your answers to show you in the best light,and come up with a host of objections.

SuzieSue

victory wrote: »

Absolutely true:) why was it you that had to take the bedding off and put the washing machine on? His mistake, he can sort it out, why do you go and do it and then feel you have extra work because of it,

Perhaps because, as in a lot of relationships (including mine), the OP would rather do the washing herself because she knows it is done properly. I would be exactly the same - I would moan about the extra work he had created but would still correct it myself.


If the OP doesn't feel like I do, then she needs to get her OH to start pulling his weight as you have said.