Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

IMO it's a mistake to live your life through your child.
They grow up & get their own lives

Would it be possible to get some balance in your life & work away from home a couple of days per week?

I don't live my life through her. It was important to me not to work when she was small. The nature of DH's work means that he can be away with little notice which was always going to be an issue if I went out to a "typical" job. Hence we started our company which means I work for clients on an ad hoc basis. Now that DD is settled at school o can maybe do a bit more of that, and I've also started an OU degree to give me a bit of self focus.

I had an absolute ball before having DD ad don't regret opting for a slightly quieter life, and I don't begrudge DH his hobbies as he works very hard and can be isolated if working from home, but the balance is a little bit out. The routine is shifting again and it just takes some getting used to. (I'm really struggling with the early starts!)

CH27

You really do have an answer for everything :rotfl:

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

You really do have an answer for everything :rotfl:

It's not as if I've never thought of any of this before.

FBaby

"Hebrew been sorting out" is meant to mean

No idea why predictive text would come up with Hebrew rather than have

I have never said I'm completely right and everyone else is wrong. I know full well that I have my faults too.

YOu've never said it, but because you only focus on what others do wrong and always justify your actions when they are being pointed, it comes acros as if that is how you go about your relationship. If you know you have your faults too (as we all do) why do you never mention them on your threads, asking advice not so much about you can influence change with your OH, but also how you can introduce change yourself to make things better? It would be much easier for us to provide advice about to implement change yourself then how you can influence someone we only know through the way you describe them.

I know I have a tendency to think I am always right and I don't try to defend it (any longer!), but I am working hard to appreciate that it's not about who is right or who is wrong, but indeed about compromises as your first post suggest. Compromises can never be about proving each other right, can never be about changing the other, but very much about what we can do ourselves. I have now learnt that there are issues with my OH where I am pretty certain I am right about, but if I don't make the first move towards understanding and reconciliation, we won't move forward. That's ok because there are many things that he takes initiative for that makes it easier for me too.

notanewuser

Fair point.

CH27

FBaby wrote: »

No idea why predictive text would come up with Hebrew rather than have

YOu've never said it, but because you only focus on what others do wrong and always justify your actions when they are being pointed, it comes acros as if that is how you go about your relationship. If you know you have your faults too (as we all do) why do you never mention them on your threads, asking advice not so much about you can influence change with your OH, but also how you can introduce change yourself to make things better? It would be much easier for us to provide advice about to implement change yourself then how you can influence someone we only know through the way you describe them.

I know I have a tendency to think I am always right and I don't try to defend it (any longer!), but I am working hard to appreciate that it's not about who is right or who is wrong, but indeed about compromises as your first post suggest. Compromises can never be about proving each other right, can never be about changing the other, but very much about what we can do ourselves. I have now learnt that there are issues with my OH where I am pretty certain I am right about, but if I don't make the first move towards understanding and reconciliation, we won't move forward. That's ok because there are many things that he takes initiative for that makes it easier for me too.

I've found this gets easier the more you do it

FBaby

CH27 wrote: »

I've found this gets easier the more you do it

Yes, I have found this too It makes you go the exact opposite direction that resentment takes you.

CH27

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, I have found this too It makes you go the exact opposite direction that resentment takes you.

Very true!
I start chuntering to myself & think stop!

scotsbob

purpleshoes wrote: »

You've started a fair few threads on here over the months, most about your OH and his family.

I had noticed the same thing. I don't understand why she just doesn't move out.
Can't be much fun for her old man either with her moaning on and on about how unhappy she is all the time.

justme111

[QUOTE=FBaby;6679148_I_have_now_learnt_that_there_are_issues_with_my_OH_where_I_am_pretty_certain_I_am_right_about,_but_if_I_don't_make_the_first_move_towards_understanding_and_reconciliation,_we_won't_move_forward._That's_ok_because_there_are_many_things_that_he_takes_initiative_for_that_makes_it_easier_for_me_too.[/QUOTE]

How well said , very simple big truth. In a couple of words you summed up a very important factor in cohabiting , my ex tried to make me understand it without success for ages , it is something that I vaguely thought about before , seeing it written crystallized the idea in my.head , hopefully it will make me a better person to be around and my life happier.