Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

lulu_92

notanewuser wrote: »

I really don't get what goes on in his head sometimes. He likes to put DD to bed, so does it whenever circumstances allow. In the past fortnight he's "forgotten" to get her to go to the loo and brush her teeth before bed 2 or 3 times. They aren't things that only happen occasionally - DD does them every morning and night. Last night he also "forgot" to put her into pyjamas, tucking her up in her filthy muddy leggings and top instead! Apparently I should remind him what needs to happen.

Please tell me that's not normal. (I haven't made a fuss about it, but I'm not about to remind him twice daily about things that should be habit by now!)

I'll admit there's some things in this thread that I've disagreed with, but you're right, that is definitely not normal!

Does he go to bed in dirty clothes?

notanewuser

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'll admit there's some things in this thread that I've disagreed with, but you're right, that is definitely not normal!

Does he go to bed in dirty clothes?

Of course not!

It's far from the end of the world, except that we've the tail end of a hurricane blowing wind and gales here and I now have an extra load of washing to do because there's mud in DD's bed!

SuzieSue

notanewuser wrote: »

I really don't get what goes on in his head sometimes. He likes to put DD to bed, so does it whenever circumstances allow. In the past fortnight he's "forgotten" to get her to go to the loo and brush her teeth before bed 2 or 3 times. They aren't things that only happen occasionally - DD does them every morning and night. Last night he also "forgot" to put her into pyjamas, tucking her up in her filthy muddy leggings and top instead! Apparently I should remind him what needs to happen.

Please tell me that's not normal. (I haven't made a fuss about it, but I'm not about to remind him twice daily about things that should be habit by now!)

My husband forgets to brush his own teeth sometimes, so I can understand that. But not putting her in to her pyjamas is a bit strange. Is he preoccupied with something else at the moment or is he becoming forgetful about other things as well?

notanewuser

SuzieSue wrote: »

My husband forgets to brush his own teeth sometimes, so I can understand that. But not putting her in to her pyjamas is a bit strange. Is he preoccupied with something else at the moment or is he becoming forgetful about other things as well?

He said he was tired (he was working on Saturday night) but didn't go to bed till midnight (he could have gone at 9pm but didn't). He's always been a bit unfocused. He forgot to feed her once when I went out for the day (she was about 2). I got back at 7pm and she hadn't eaten since breakfast!

SuzieSue

notanewuser wrote: »

He said he was tired (he was working on Saturday night) but didn't go to bed till midnight (he could have gone at 9pm but didn't). He's always been a bit unfocused. He forgot to feed her once when I went out for the day (she was about 2). I got back at 7pm and she hadn't eaten since breakfast!

The problem is that if you don't do something day in day out, it is easy to forget what to do. I do feel sorry for men who are expected to look after young children when they are not used to the routine.


I don't have children and so would find it difficult to remember everything if I had to look after young children, but not putting her in her pyjamas and forgetting to feed her is quite basic, but he doesn't do it deliberately so he must just forget.

notanewuser

SuzieSue wrote: »

The problem is that if you don't do something day in day out, it is easy to forget what to do. I do feel sorry for men who are expected to look after young children when they are not used to the routine.


I don't have children and so would find it difficult to remember everything if I had to look after young children, but not putting her in her pyjamas and forgetting to feed her is quite basic, but he doesn't do it deliberately so he must just forget.

He's very fortunate in that his work means that he often works from home (and certainly in the last year). He's more aware of what needs doing than many other men who only see it on weekends or whatever.

I'd say he has put DD to bed 5 nights out of 7 for the past 6 months. That should be more than enough time to form the habit!!

SuzieSue

notanewuser wrote: »

I'd say he has put DD to bed 5 nights out of 7 for the past 6 months. That should be more than enough time to form the habit!!

Well, I just asked my husband (he has 3 children who are all adults now) and he said he could understand it and he could see himself doing it if he was feeling dopey.

purpleshoes_2

I think you need to work out what matters and what doesn't and whats worth getting upset about and what isn't. I appreciate that her going to bed in muddy leggings made extra work for you but he has a pair of hands, he can work a washing machine.

As someone said earlier on in the thread, sometimes it has to be a case of when people arrive on you at short notice, that they take you very much as they find you. You shouldnt need to be running rings around yourself preparing for people when you have a busy enough life as it is.

I think there's a lot you and your OH need to sort, if you can't meet in the middle and iron out these issues re his family and his lack of support for you at times, I think considering talking to someone neutral and professional might help otherwise in 6 months time or less, something else will happen, you'll feel unsupported, there will be more issues with his family, you'll go round and round in circles and more resentment will build up.

None of which are ingredients for a very happy life together.

victory

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think there's a lot you and your OH need to sort, if you can't meet in the middle and iron out these issues re his family and his lack of support for you at times, I think considering talking to someone neutral and professional might help otherwise in 6 months time or less, something else will happen, you'll feel unsupported, there will be more issues with his family, you'll go round and round in circles and more resentment will build up.

None of which are ingredients for a very happy life together.

Absolutely true:) why was it you that had to take the bedding off and put the washing machine on? His mistake, he can sort it out, why do you go and do it and then feel you have extra work because of it, adds to the 'he did this wrong' 'he has done that' he did not support me' round and round in circles scenario.

Talk to each other, listen, hear what each other is saying. Work out together what each of you bring to the relationship, what each of you are prepared to do without building on the mountain of negativity surrounding you.

notanewuser

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think you need to work out what matters and what doesn't and whats worth getting upset about and what isn't. I appreciate that her going to bed in muddy leggings made extra work for you but he has a pair of hands, he can work a washing machine.

As someone said earlier on in the thread, sometimes it has to be a case of when people arrive on you at short notice, that they take you very much as they find you. You shouldnt need to be running rings around yourself preparing for people when you have a busy enough life as it is.

I think there's a lot you and your OH need to sort, if you can't meet in the middle and iron out these issues re his family and his lack of support for you at times, I think considering talking to someone neutral and professional might help otherwise in 6 months time or less, something else will happen, you'll feel unsupported, there will be more issues with his family, you'll go round and round in circles and more resentment will build up.

None of which are ingredients for a very happy life together.

I have said already that I've not got upset about the leggings thing. It's just another example of stuff I don't understand!

We did go to see a counsellor a while back - it was DH's idea. She put a flea in his ear about not being a child and being able to do things himself (amongst other things). Things did change for a few weeks (he was more helpful and understanding etc) but then he refused to take any responsibility and wouldn't go back because he thought it unfair that she'd taken my side!