Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

victory

I feel that posters are going to come on and offer up yet again some great suggestions and ideas and excellent 50/50 scenarios that could potentially make you have a much calmer, easier, happier marriage and future and you are going to come up with reasons why they would not work, why you can't see it, why it would not work and just keep coming up with the stone walling, so I am going to wish you all the very best life has to offer and bow out.

There is no point if you cannot hear the reason:D

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

NO it is not all about the money it is fairness, if you work a lot less than your OH you could be expected to put more hours in at home to keep the house going, food shopping (do it online cut time) child care as OH is out working and you are not.

No, he's mostly at home working, and expecting hourly cups of tea and lunch delivered to his lap.

I run our business and have clients of my own. I tend to do most of my 'work' late at night, while he's doing whatever he wants to do.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

I feel that posters are going to come on and offer up yet again some great suggestions and ideas and excellent 50/50 scenarios that could potentially make you have a much calmer, easier, happier marriage and future and you are going to come up with reasons why they would not work, why you can't see it, why it would not work and just keep coming up with the stone walling, so I am going to wish you all the very best life has to offer and bow out.

There is no point if you cannot hear the reason:D

I'm taking them in. It's just hard to see them when it's a virtual jackboot in the stomach.

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

And you binned those flowers if I recall.

No, I didn't.

lostinrates

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm not doing any more on it tonight. I'm getting everything ready to start studying this weekend.

You are here now, reading and potentially allowing yourself to be wound up like earlier if you feel again people are against you.

I can understand why, but I'm just suggesting you consider if it is in your ( and your family's) best interest.

I do think, and when these issues have come up in my relationship, that if they cause issue its a two way communication and behaviour issue, not wanting to disappoint each other, not communicating clearly, me expecting him to understand the household schedule like I do, him not realising x cannot be rescheduled from that Thursday in the month or the nice surprise he booked me conflicts with something. Luckily neither of us have failed to see humour of lack of live over it and have addressed communicating and been willing to admit our own faults. I think until you are both prepared to do that and not keep a scoreboard its likely to be uncomfortable.

I hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow. I have never envied your lot in life nor understood many of your restrictions but I wish you well. Life seems very stressful now, and I hope that subsides soon.

notanewuser

lostinrates wrote: »

You are here now, reading and potentially allowing yourself to be wound up like earlier if you feel again people are against you.

I can understand why, but I'm just suggesting you consider if it is in your ( and your family's) best interest.

I do think, and when these issues have come up in my relationship, that if they cause issue its a two way communication and behaviour issue, not wanting to disappoint each other, not communicating clearly, me expecting him to understand the household schedule like I do, him not realising x cannot be rescheduled from that Thursday in the month or the nice surprise he booked me conflicts with something. Luckily neither of us have failed to see humour of lack of live over it and have addressed communicating and been willing to admit our own faults. I think until you are both prepared to do that and not keep a scoreboard its likely to be uncomfortable.

I hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow. I have never envied your lot in life nor understood many of your restrictions but I wish you well. Life seems very stressful now, and I hope that subsides soon.

I'm intrigued - what do you mean by the bit I've bolded?

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

No, I didn't.

You are correct you said you wanted to bin them. Can you not see that your actions as well as his lead to things?

Clearly you have problems we all do. I guess it's easy to judge looking in but I will leave you with this.

Life is too short for triviality and point scoring I know this better than anyone.

meer53

OP, one thing i get from this thread. Your marriage will not last.

You don't have a relationship, there will be right and wrong on both sides but your attitude isn't very good.

Whilst there is so much resentment from you towards your OH's family, it can only get worse. One post sticks out for me, the one where you said that your DD would enjoy spending time with her "birth friends" rather than her family. Thats really sad. My childrens last grandparent died last year, my daughter misses her Granny so much. She was a cantankerous old witch and treated me appallingly but she was my childrens Granny, i always made her welcome, even when she turned up unannounced to criticise my housekeeping skills. I couldn't bear the thought of my children seeing me be nasty to her, she was a wonderful Granny to them both. How i felt didn't really matter.

Why can't you just accept that your OH would like his family to come and suck it up ? If it involves cooking or cleaning, so what ? It's not every day is it ? Your daughter will be happy, whatever you do for her birthday. Can you remember what you did on your 4th birthday ?

gettingtheresometime

NANW

I think you've reached the point in the argument where you've both said things you wish you hadn't and it has reached a point where to apologise 'may' be considered a sign of weakness.

however both of you could probably do with a good slice of humble pie and even though it might stick in your throat, it needs you to be the bigger person here.

Personally I would let tempers cool and not mention the subject for a few days and then when he's in a receptive mood, you need to say to him that if his family are coming down, then both of you need to sit down and work out the logistics of how its going to work.

I've found by doing that way my OH has had time to digest my arguments and either come around to my way of thinking or at least thought about a solution

notanewuser

meer53 wrote: »

OP, one thing i get from this thread. Your marriage will not last.

You don't have a relationship, there will be right and wrong on both sides but your attitude isn't very good.

Whilst there is so much resentment from you towards your OH's family, it can only get worse. One post sticks out for me, the one where you said that your DD would enjoy spending time with her "birth friends" rather than her family. Thats really sad. My childrens last grandparent died last year, my daughter misses her Granny so much. She was a cantankerous old witch and treated me appallingly but she was my childrens Granny, i always made her welcome, even when she turned up unannounced to criticise my housekeeping skills. I couldn't bear the thought of my children seeing me be nasty to her, she was a wonderful Granny to them both. How i felt didn't really matter.

Why can't you just accept that your OH would like his family to come and suck it up ? If it involves cooking or cleaning, so what ? It's not every day is it ? Your daughter will be happy, whatever you do for her birthday. Can you remember what you did on your 4th birthday ?

Yes I can, actually. And I'm still friends with more than half of the children I was with (almost 33 years later).

As for the rest, how dare you. Why on earth do you think I would be nasty to DH's family? I would LOVE for them to be a bit more involved and pay attention to DD. I've lost count of the offers we've made for them to come and visit. When they have been here I've done everything possible to ensure their comfort and waited on them hand and foot. The issue is that DH doesn't see that. He thinks having them to stay is a breeze. The beds make themselves, the bathrooms clean themselves, fabulous meals get whipped up as if by magic. All he need do is position himself close to the bottle opener and enjoy.

I don't even hate every minute. But when they're gone and I realise how much is taken and how little given it makes me cross and sad in equal measure. I want better for DH. I want better for DD. I wouldn't ever stand in the way of their relationship. And as someone else said, unless I can make him see that, nothing will ever change.