Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

Are you saying then you do it all? He never takes you out or is romantic or brings home your fav chocs or flowers? He never does a job if you ask him to as eg you can't reach it or don't want to go into the shed as you are afraid of spiders? He never does anything around the house or mows the lawn or paints a wall?

He never takes DD out to the park to give you a break or you all go out as a family on a saturday afternoon ice skating or to the zoo?

We very rarely go out and only ever if I organise it. I've had 1 bunch of flowers and 1 pot plant in 12 years, and I can't remember the last time he brought me chocolate. As he mostly works from home it's not like he goes anywhere to bring stuff back from!

I'm not afraid of spiders, I do all the cooking and food shopping, school runs, organise car maintenance and insurance, home insurance, cards for birthdays etc. He painted the downstairs loo last year, but only because he managed to get hand soap all over it. He did hang some hooks by the back door about 6 months ago and he usually takes the bins out. He doesn't clean his bathroom, iron, or dust but he'll run the hoover over once in a blue moon if I beg.

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

We very rarely go out and only ever if I organise it. I've had 1 bunch of flowers and 1 pot plant in 12 years, and I can't remember the last time he brought me chocolate. As he mostly works from home it's not like he goes anywhere to bring stuff back from!

I'm not afraid of spiders, I do all the cooking and food shopping, school runs, organise car maintenance and insurance, home insurance, cards for birthdays etc. He painted the downstairs loo last year, but only because he managed to get hand soap all over it. He did hang some hooks by the back door about 6 months ago and he usually takes the bins out. He doesn't clean his bathroom, iron, or dust but he'll run the hoover over once in a blue moon if I beg.

But you love him;)

Nicki

Stop being a martyr if you want to save your marriage. Your husband is the main breadwinner in your family so it makes sense that you, who only work haphazardly and very part time as I understand it should have the primary responsibility for managing the household. Just like in our household my husband works 5 days a week and at least for the next few weeks until I start a new job I only work 4, so I take the majority of the responsibility for organising the house, shopping, meals, etc.

I really can't believe that it is more important to you to maintain a stance about it not being your job to sort out things for the In laws with his help, than it is to forget the semantics and just work together to get things done.

lostinrates

I think this all needs addressing.

I do.

I think after today's stress that you should consider if you want to go in to it tonight.

Would you and your husband consider some sort of communication aid via a third party/ relationship/ communication counselling?

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Stop being a martyr if you want to save your marriage. Your husband is the main breadwinner in your family so it makes sense that you, who only work haphazardly and very part time as I understand it should have the primary responsibility for managing the household. Just like in our household my husband works 5 days a week and at least for the next few weeks until I start a new job I only work 4, so I take the majority of the responsibility for organising the house, shopping, meals, etc.

Ah, so it's all about the money is it? DH can do 40 hours a week and then have all the rest of his time to do what he likes. I get to be on call 24/7, keep my hand in with work, study and run the house for free!! Yippee!!!

Nicki wrote: »

I really can't believe that it is more important to you to maintain a stance about it not being your job to sort out things for the In laws with his help, than it is to forget the semantics and just work together to get things done.

And therein lies the challenge.

victory

I think that lostinrates is right, today you dodged a bullet, you kept your marriage and saved your relationship but it is on shaky foundations for the future if you do not pull together, re-group and settle it once and for all and just enjoy each other rather than the war...

Remember no one is right all the time and no one is wrong all the time, meet in the middle, work together.

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

We very rarely go out and only ever if I organise it. I've had 1 bunch of flowers and 1 pot plant in 12 years, and I can't remember the last time he brought me chocolate. As he mostly works from home it's not like he goes anywhere to bring stuff back from!

I'm not afraid of spiders, I do all the cooking and food shopping, school runs, organise car maintenance and insurance, home insurance, cards for birthdays etc. He painted the downstairs loo last year, but only because he managed to get hand soap all over it. He did hang some hooks by the back door about 6 months ago and he usually takes the bins out. He doesn't clean his bathroom, iron, or dust but he'll run the hoover over once in a blue moon if I beg.

And you binned those flowers if I recall.

notanewuser

lostinrates wrote: »

I think this all needs addressing.

I do.

I think after today's stress that you should consider if you want to go in to it tonight.

Would you and your husband consider some sort of communication aid via a third party/ relationship/ communication counselling?

I'm not doing any more on it tonight. I'm getting everything ready to start studying this weekend.

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

Ah, so it's all about the money is it? DH can do 40 hours a week and then have all the rest of his time to do what he likes. I get to be on call 24/7, keep my hand in with work, study and run the house for free!! Yippee!!!



.

NO it is not all about the money it is fairness, if you work a lot less than your OH you could be expected to put more hours in at home to keep the house going, food shopping (do it online cut time) child care as OH is out working and you are not.

victory

bloolagoon wrote: »

And you binned those flowers if I recall.

Oh yes now I remember....