Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Person_one

meer53 wrote: »

OP, one thing i get from this thread. Your marriage will not last.

You don't have a relationship, there will be right and wrong on both sides but your attitude isn't very good.

Whilst there is so much resentment from you towards your OH's family, it can only get worse. One post sticks out for me, the one where you said that your DD would enjoy spending time with her "birth friends" rather than her family. Thats really sad. My childrens last grandparent died last year, my daughter misses her Granny so much. She was a cantankerous old witch and treated me appallingly but she was my childrens Granny, i always made her welcome, even when she turned up unannounced to criticise my housekeeping skills. I couldn't bear the thought of my children seeing me be nasty to her, she was a wonderful Granny to them both. How i felt didn't really matter.

Why can't you just accept that your OH would like his family to come and suck it up ? If it involves cooking or cleaning, so what ? It's not every day is it ? Your daughter will be happy, whatever you do for her birthday. Can you remember what you did on your 4th birthday ?

Unrelated to the OP, but I don't see any point in being a martyr to DNA. It's great if children can have a good relationship with extended family, but a grandma who's horrible to their mum? Why should they have to deal with unpleasantness like that just because of genetics?

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I don't know how much this thread (or maybe others, don't know, I haven't read them recently and don't recall them) reflects the depth of your marriage, but I agree with others that the way you describe it, it doesn't come across at all as a marriage made of happiness, but one made of convenience. Are you sure you love your husband? Are you sure he loves you? Because it doesn't come across at any time. Of course, when you are angry, you don't feel much love, but even when you describe other times, the main feelings that you comes out of it is resentment.

I am wondering how much burrying your head under the sand there is in your marriage and things come up when you don't agree. It is not healthy that after being together for that number of years, communication between each other should be so hampered.

I think you need to stop focussing on his family and start to think about your marriage. After all, they are not the problem, as you say, you make an effort to welcome them and want them to be closer to your DD. It is clearly the fact that your husband invited them without consulting you and the reason for him doing it that is the issue.

After 21 pages, I concluded that you are both wrong in the way you treat each other, and neither of you seem that bothered to try to understand the other, let alone do things to make them happy.

Dammit. Typed epic response and then phone crashed and I lost it. :mad: Let me come back to this when I'm in front of my laptop.

notanewuser

Marisco wrote: »

Do they totally ignore her, or is it more that they don't gush over her though? Not everyone thinks that children are, or should be, the centre of the Universe.

I don't want or expect gushing.

A few examples of the things they've rung DH about in the last few months:

"Brian Blessed has a relative buried in the cemetery near brother A's house. We're going to go and look for the headstone."

"Just watched a programme about allergies. Made me think of your asthma."

"So-and-so's uncle died and they found a such-and-such motorbike in his garage."

I don't recall a single phonecall where they've asked, even in passing, how DD was. They look after the other 5 grandchildren each week, and know everything that's going on with them, dread them going into childcare or school, but DD doesn't even get a mention. That's quite odd to me.

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

NANU
I advised you to go to Relate to learn how to communicate but now I think they will be better teaching you both to unlearn how you both operate now before you can move forward.

We only go off what you post & you seem so unhappy. Please get some impartial help.

I'm really not unhappy. DH and I did go to a counsellor together when my PTSD was diagnosed. He refused to go again because she pointed out to him, quite brutally, how he wasn't helping me! Things did improve, and are generally very good, but he tends to take his stresses out on me (the downside of him working from home) which can sometimes push me over the edge with my own stress levels.

Issues with his parents coming around the time of DD's birthday most definitely triggered my PTSD yesterday and sent me flying. Because he doesn't really understand it, he doesn't handle it well, and we get the fireworks.

(As an aside, a friend stayed this weekend. She's going through a marriage breakup and as she left on Sunday she said to us both "all I wanted is what you have".)

So this is a blip, and not reflective of life generally!

justme111

I would not have noticed whether in laws would be enquiring after my.daughter or not , its just not something which.would be on.my.radar and I would mot have minded at all if they did not - it is what it is , they dont owe me.or her to take interest in her.
I suspect you may be.one.of those doting mothers ...

notanewuser

justme111 wrote: »

I would not have noticed whether in laws would be enquiring after my.daughter or not , its just not something which.would be on.my.radar and I would mot have minded at all if they did not - it is what it is , they dont owe me.or her to take interest in her.
I suspect you may be.one.of those doting mothers ...

Not particularly. I just come from a family that bother.

justme111

Your daughter is not part of their lives ,motorbike in someone 's garage and son's asthma is. What's wrong.with it ? Youay want to go to counselling.yourself

notanewuser

justme111 wrote: »

Your daughter is not part of their lives ,motorbike in someone 's garage and son's asthma is. What's wrong.with it ? Youay want to go to counselling.yourself

I find this whole post very odd.

If they don't consider DD (a blood relative) part of their lives, then I'm surely entitled to consider them not part of ours (DD and me) and therefore not put myself out for them........?

suki1964

Do you ever take into consideration what your OH has given up for you?

He is the one who has moved 300 miles to live where your family is

Don't you think he feels the loss of his family?

All your complaints stem around the fact that his family live far away and so don't make your daughter the centre of their lives.

You are also insistent that he should always prioritise you and your daughter over and above them

He has three brothers and elderly parents. He has 3 sil's and numerous nieces and nephews and possibly cousins aunts and uncles who he can now rarely see because of distance

Have you ever thought that possibly you and your DD are not supplying him with what he needs?

I don't know you. I can only go by what you write on these forums but you come across as a very needy controlling person

You both work from home. Your husband travels a lot in the course of his work. Have you considered relocating closer to his extended family? Would solve a hell of a lot of your issues you have around feeling excluded


I moved 500 with my husband to be near his family. He commuted, I just found a different job. I'm now no longer the Unknown woman in the family but a loving grandmother to two, was a close daughter in law, and am a great sister in law and supportive parent ( imnsho :rotfl: )


Is that something you could consider?

I know this doesn't solve this particular issue that you are posting on, just offering a different way of looking at things long term

bloolagoon

Mojisola wrote: »

I'm very mild-tempered but I'd be getting a bit arsey if I'd had the stick that NANU has been getting on this thread.

The real problem isn't about this weekend or NANU's attitude to her in-laws - it's because her OH has always been treated unequally by his parents compared to his siblings and their offspring and he is desperate for any sign of attention or interest from them even if it messes up plans already in place.

He won't deal with his feelings (over this matter or any problems in the marriage) so NANU is stuck with coping with the fall-out. It sounds as if this weekend has become the proverbial straw. Despite suggesting several workable options, her OH wanted it his way or no way.

Once the dust settles over this weekend, I would be forcing the issue with my OH - I couldn't live with knowing that this kind of situation is likely to arise again and again. He needs to work out his feelings about his parents or he may lose the family he has now who do love and care about him.

Interesting I always read OP's posts entirely different and think her OH gets a lot of unfair negativity and it is OP who wants things her way and it's him that compromises a lot. I just see someone who loves his family who has a very different upbringing by parents whose are different to op's.

But then I've experience of living away from parents you'd love to have closer but can't.

Do my parents treat my children different of course as they don't see them daily. It can't be any other way and I certainly don't resent it.