Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

lulu_92

notanewuser wrote: »

Wait until you have a baby and it happens every single time. You might feel a little different.

That doesn't matter. My dad didn't even ring me on my birthday, when I passed my test or when I graduated so I think I know how it feels to be seemingly ignored (dad isn't a bad person, just very forgetful, always has been).

I know that it sometimes irritates my mum when the questions aren't about my sister and I but she's learned that it's just how she is. I'm sure if you lived closer to the inlaws and the siblings moved further away they would have the same gripe. I highly doubt it's personal. (grandparents live further away from us)

I don't think I'll have the problem when I have a baby, if I do I will see it as their loss, not mine.

Edited to add - you might think I'm trying to cause problems, but I'm not. I'm weighing in again just to give you another perspective

notanewuser

lulu_92 wrote: »

That doesn't matter. My dad didn't even ring me on my birthday, when I passed my test or when I graduated so I think I know how it feels to be seemingly ignored (dad isn't a bad person, just very forgetful, always has been).

I know that it sometimes irritates my mum when the questions aren't about my sister and I but she's learned that it's just how she is. I'm sure if you lived closer to the inlaws and the siblings moved further away they would have the same gripe. I highly doubt it's personal. (grandparents live further away from us)

I don't think I'll have the problem when I have a baby, if I do I will see it as their loss, not mine.

Oh, I absolutely see it as their loss.

lulu_92

notanewuser wrote: »

Oh, I absolutely see it as their loss.

Good, I know it's not the best comfort and in an ideal world they would call and ask how she is but sometimes people are like that.

Because of my dad's forgetfulness we have a strained relationship (add in his stubbornness) because like I said above, I know how it feels to have someone in your family be seemingly indifferent towards you but I do sometimes sit and think that my life is pretty decent and it could be worse.

notanewuser

lulu_92 wrote: »

Good, I know it's not the best comfort and in an ideal world they would call and ask how she is but sometimes people are like that.

Because of my dad's forgetfulness we have a strained relationship (add in his stubbornness) because like I said above, I know how it feels to have someone in your family be seemingly indifferent towards you but I do sometimes sit and think that my life is pretty decent and it could be worse.

I don't actually think about it until stuff like this happens and I can't help but think "why should we when you do nothing for us?!"

Georgiegirl256

lulu_92 wrote: »

Not saying that this is the norm, but this is like when my grandma rings. She has 5 kids and 10 grandchildren, 8 of which she sees all the time. She does ask how we are but her stories are about what the other kids did that week. It's not necessarily ignorance or them not asking out of spite, I know I sometimes forget to ask about people (for example, my 4 year old cousin has pneumonia. I spoke to my auntie online about something else and completely forgot to ask)

But the key thing there is that she does ask how you are, and that's all some people want. To know that they and their family matter to others in their family.

lulu_92

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

But the key thing there is that she does ask how you are, and that's all some people want. To know that they and their family matter to others in their family.

Yeah, but it's more of a "you alright? oh this happened the other day with so n so..." and she doesn't actually listen to the answer!

I try and see her alone so I get her undivided attention!

justme111

notanewuser wrote: »

Not particularly. I just come from a family that bother.

Bother what ? For now i see mostly.bother in.making.a point of how good you.are and how.bad are those who are different to you.
Where did I say that you ought to go out of your way for them ? I just suggested not being angry at them for not enquiring about your daughter's steps is a very valid option.

notanewuser

justme111 wrote: »

Bother what ? For now i see mostly.bother in.making.a point of how good you.are and how.bad are those who are different to you.
Where did I say that you ought to go out of your way for them ? I just suggested not being angry at them for not enquiring about your daughter's steps is a very valid option.

I'm not angry. I'm bemused. It's so far from anything that makes any sense to me. But it is what it is and ultimately it's them that lose out.

FBaby

I know you say that you think you make an effort in your relationship and that it is your husband who is self-centered and doesn't consider your needs but what you've written below comes across to me as being so one dimentional. Maybe it's me, but if I so strongly felt it when I read it, could it be that possibly, your husband feels the same?

I'm not keen on moving up there (and basically starting again as I'd have nobody up there) and neither is DH because he wouldn't actually gain anything. If there were some clear benefit then perhaps we would. DH knows deep down that his parents don't really care, but has this sense of duty in having to defend them at every turn. When he's around them (particularly his dad) he's so desperate for approval. When it doesn't come he gets down and that gets taken out on me. There are so many things he's said he doesn't want to do with DD that his dad did with him - unreasonable expectations, parenting through fear, lack of understanding etc - and yet when they do pop up wanting to visit he can't see anything but the opportunity for acceptance.

You're not keen on going (maybe he is?). He has nothing to gain (does he need to gain something to want to be somewhere?). There would be no benefit (maybe the benefit of being around his family, what is familiar to him.

When he gets down, he takes it out on you, but when you lose your cool , it is because of PTSD and he should understand it?

This was all off his bat, no nagging from me whatsoever.

Or could it be as a result of the pressure he has felt under in the last couple of days?

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I know you say that you think you make an effort in your relationship and that it is your husband who is self-centered and doesn't consider your needs but what you've written below comes across to me as being so one dimentional. Maybe it's me, but if I so strongly felt it when I read it, could it be that possibly, your husband feels the same?



You're not keen on going (maybe he is?). He has nothing to gain (does he need to gain something to want to be somewhere?). There would be no benefit (maybe the benefit of being around his family, what is familiar to him.

When he gets down, he takes it out on you, but when you lose your cool , it is because of PTSD and he should understand it?

Or could it be as a result of the pressure he has felt under in the last couple of days?

Pretty unfair there. It's one sided because it's my side. He's told me several times that he doesn't want to move anywhere, least of all up north.

And he's not under much in the way of pressure at the moment! He would usually have said nothing.

But hey, find a negative after I've taken advice from you and others. That'll help.