Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

FBaby

I guess as the thread has gone on, I went from feeling that you genuinely loved your husband and trully wanted advice on how to compromise to feeling that you can be quite condescending towards him, making me question your love for him. It also feel now that each time you are trying to see a situation through his eyes, you analyse it how you would feel about it yourself.

I still think that the way he dealt with the situation was very wrong, but when you say that he acts like a small child and you are not his mum, I can't help but question this because it does come across in some of your post that you do sometimes treat him as if he was your troublesome teenager.

I am not being negative for the sake of it, I am genuinely confused with some of the things you have written about your husband you say you really love.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I guess as the thread has gone on, I went from feeling that you genuinely loved your husband and trully wanted advice on how to compromise to feeling that you can be quite condescending towards him, making me question your love for him. It also feel now that each time you are trying to see a situation through his eyes, you analyse it how you would feel about it yourself.

I still think that the way he dealt with the situation was very wrong, but when you say that he acts like a small child and you are not his mum, I can't help but question this because it does come across in some of your post that you do sometimes treat him as if he was your troublesome teenager.

I am not being negative for the sake of it, I am genuinely confused with some of the things you have written about your husband you say you really love.

But you're putting your own interpretation on my words. We all do it. You're looking for things that fit what you want to believe.

I can categorically tell you that DH does not want to move back home. That doesn't mean I've had him in metaphorical thumbscrews!

FBaby

You're looking for things that fit what you want to believe.

Maybe, but I didn't want to believe anything until I built an impression from some of things you've said about your husband.

I can categorically tell you that DH does not want to move back home. That doesn't mean I've had him in metaphorical thumbscrews!

That's fine, but you could simply have said this, that you've discussed it before and he made it clear that he had no interest of moving back, rather then trying to say exactly that, but by pointing out that there were no good reasons to do so because he had nothing to gain from doing so.

Utimately things seem to be getting better, you are communicating and indeed compromising, but so much energy put into it to do that as many have pointed out, how often will this go on until both of you decide you can't be bothered to put the effort into it any longer?

theoretica

notanewuser wrote: »

If they don't consider DD (a blood relative) part of their lives, then I'm surely entitled to consider them not part of ours (DD and me) and therefore not put myself out for them........?

Surely you aren't putting yourself out for them. You are doing it for your OH and it seems to me it would make everything smoother if he learnt to thank you for doing so.

dktreesea

notanewuser wrote: »

I have probably covered most of this in other threads, but just to pick up on the bolded bit. Yes, this is the biggest problem, and this isn't an isolated event. We were all set to go to the Abergavenny food festival 2 weekends ago. It was in the diary, he'd looked up which food producers were going to be there that he wanted to see (as had I), we were going to make a day of it with DD. Fab.

On the Thursday he decided he was going to go "out for a drive" with some local car enthusiasts on the Saturday morning. No problem, we'd just go to the food festival for lunchtime as it was on all day and night. On Friday he got given the map for the drive, but didn't realise - or mention - how long it was. On Saturday he set off with the others. He came back at 6:30pm. His phone had died, and depute having it forever, he still doesn't know my phone number or our landline off by heart. I had no numbers for the people he'd gone with. To top it off, the car came back with a broken turbo, which I then had to get sorted out.

He then popped round to the neighbours for a cuppa, came back hammered and was too hungover the next day to do much, never mind go to a food festival.

But there's next year, right?

In general, he's a bit thoughtless and tends to do what he likes without thinking it through. I'm not his mother, it's not for me to say what he can and can't do, but he doesn't seem to realise yet that he's grown up and has responsibilities to the wife and daughter he chose to have!

Wow, you describe that as a "bit thoughtless??!! Your OH is getting a pretty easy ride, imho. He sounds selfish to me. If he is treating you like that regularly, then sorry to say, but it sounds like you are being a bit of a doormat.

He sounds the type that makes plans with his family, but if something more appealing comes up, drops his family like a hot potato and goes after the more fun option.

gettingtheresometime

lulu_92 wrote: »

I don't think I'll have the problem when I have a baby, if I do I will see it as their loss, not mine.

Actually I'm with NANU on this one.......it will grate beyond belief when no interest is shown in your child but other grandchildren can walk on water.

NANU -if my OH had done what your's did then I'd have gone without him .....in fact next year plan to do exactly that - and if he tags along so much the better but if he doesn't then at least you don''t miss out (if OH doesn't want to go and see a show then I'll go on my own - the only one missing out is me otherwise)

notanewuser

dktreesea wrote: »

Wow, you describe that as a "bit thoughtless??!! Your OH is getting a pretty easy ride, imho. He sounds selfish to me. If he is treating you like that regularly, then sorry to say, but it sounds like you are being a bit of a doormat.

He sounds the type that makes plans with his family, but if something more appealing comes up, drops his family like a hot potato and goes after the more fun option.

Oh no, that one was way off the thoughtless scale! Luckily that sort of thing is rare but it goes to show (perhaps) that his priorities are sometimes a bit..... suspect.

He won't do that again!

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Actually I'm with NANU on this one.......it will grate beyond belief when no interest is shown in your child but other grandchildren can walk on water.

NANU -if my OH had done what your's did then I'd have gone without him .....in fact next year plan to do exactly that - and if he tags along so much the better but if he doesn't then at least you don''t miss out (if OH doesn't want to go and see a show then I'll go on my own - the only one missing out is me otherwise)

Oh, I'm going next year without fail. He really wanted to go and was very sorry for messing it all up. As I say, I don't think there'll be a reoccurrence!

dktreesea

notanewuser wrote: »

Nope. He couldn't give a !!!!.

And worse then that he lied to me. He deliberately asked them to come down for DD's birthday with no thought for anything. They replied that they probably could if the timing of the building work fitted.

Then he said "if we were going up there for one of their birthdays, we'd stay in a hotel." Erm, exactly. So perhaps they could stay in a hotel if they're coming down for DD's birthday.

"If they stay in a hotel I'm staying there with them."

Says it all, really.

And there speaks a man who sounds like he values his blood relatives over his wife. He's not so unusual. My OH is similar. He sees me every day but his family only here and there, so makes a big fuss of them which they love, and never makes such a fuss of me or the children.

Lily-Rose_3

Can't add a lot to what has been said NANU, but I do feel sorry for you and I hope you get all this sorted. Families can be a nightmare. And husbands can be a challenge!!!

Mine used to be a BIT like this, many years ago, but since some of our extended family has passed on now, and we don't live near them, the issue never comes up now.

I say husbands can be a challenge as tongue-in-cheek, as I guess I was never perfect, but I did used to feel like what I wanted came last. But now we are in our fifties and our one child is an adult and left for uni now, and we rarely see family, these problems are non existent now. And also, my hubby is a lot more considerate of my feelings now. I guess it has come with age and maturity. He is also much happier in himself after moving from a dead end job into a great I.T. job too, so his whole attitude to life is different, and he treats me now, like I always wanted to be treated. And I treat him well in return.

But it took a good 15 years into our relationship to get like that!!!

Sending you internet hugs (((HUGS))) I hope things improve.