Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

Giving a 3 year old unrestricted access to youtube is a good thing in your view?

For once? My husband is *constantly* put first.

Parental controls are wonderful things. I wouldn't allow my 4 year old on the internet full stop unsupervised.

But maybe it was a poor word choice as opposed to literal. Mind you she should be helping clear the room with you IMO not dumped on electronics (I'm with you there) but it could have been a poor word choice and not one I'd feel the need to react to.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I don't know how much this thread (or maybe others, don't know, I haven't read them recently and don't recall them) reflects the depth of your marriage, but I agree with others that the way you describe it, it doesn't come across at all as a marriage made of happiness, but one made of convenience. Are you sure you love your husband? Are you sure he loves you? Because it doesn't come across at any time. Of course, when you are angry, you don't feel much love, but even when you describe other times, the main feelings that you comes out of it is resentment.

I am wondering how much burrying your head under the sand there is in your marriage and things come up when you don't agree. It is not healthy that after being together for that number of years, communication between each other should be so hampered.

I think you need to stop focussing on his family and start to think about your marriage. After all, they are not the problem, as you say, you make an effort to welcome them and want them to be closer to your DD. It is clearly the fact that your husband invited them without consulting you and the reason for him doing it that is the issue.

After 21 pages, I concluded that you are both wrong in the way you treat each other, and neither of you seem that bothered to try to understand the other, let alone do things to make them happy.

I have probably covered most of this in other threads, but just to pick up on the bolded bit. Yes, this is the biggest problem, and this isn't an isolated event. We were all set to go to the Abergavenny food festival 2 weekends ago. It was in the diary, he'd looked up which food producers were going to be there that he wanted to see (as had I), we were going to make a day of it with DD. Fab.

On the Thursday he decided he was going to go "out for a drive" with some local car enthusiasts on the Saturday morning. No problem, we'd just go to the food festival for lunchtime as it was on all day and night. On Friday he got given the map for the drive, but didn't realise - or mention - how long it was. On Saturday he set off with the others. He came back at 6:30pm. His phone had died, and depute having it forever, he still doesn't know my phone number or our landline off by heart. I had no numbers for the people he'd gone with. To top it off, the car came back with a broken turbo, which I then had to get sorted out.

He then popped round to the neighbours for a cuppa, came back hammered and was too hungover the next day to do much, never mind go to a food festival.

But there's next year, right?

In general, he's a bit thoughtless and tends to do what he likes without thinking it through. I'm not his mother, it's not for me to say what he can and can't do, but he doesn't seem to realise yet that he's grown up and has responsibilities to the wife and daughter he chose to have!

suki1964

notanewuser wrote: »

Erm, no he didn't. He came here for his first job from university (I didn't know him then) and then moved to the midlands with his then girlfriend. They split up and then we met. We had a LDR and then moved together to London. I was all set to sell my house here and buy in London when he decided he'd had enough and wanted to move back here. So that's what we did. The only family living anywhere near us is my parents, and that's only because they've now moved back from the middle east!

and I met my husband in London where he chose to live and was very happy for 20 years, until he realised he had a family he was losing touch with. Things change. None of us are the people we were at 18


Undoubtably. But he chose to leave them at 18, and has spent the last 20 years away by his choice. He has no desire to move up there.



I don't expect her to be the centre of anybody else's life. She doesn't need them to be involved with her - it's DH that wants them to have a relationship and that's something I support. yet you are the one that bleats on how she's not mentioned in calls, they don't ring her, and they don't buy her Christmas pressies



He can see them any time he likes. I shan't recount the times we've gone up there only to find that people we'd arranged to see had gone away without telling us. It should be a 2 way thing. As it stands it is only ever us that puts in any effort whatsoever. four times a year really isn't much effort tbh

Again, the distance is nothing to do with me. His parents aren't elderly - they're in their early 60s. They're capable of providing full time childcare - including overnights every week - but not of asking how their other granddaughter is when they ring about some other mundane nonsense. There is only 1 grandparent now. No aunts, uncles or cousins live up there anymore either.



I'm not at all bothered about being excluded myself, but I am cross about DD and DH being excluded by them (unless they want something).


I'm not sure how moving further away from DH's major clients would help either.





No. I'd be open to it if there were any real advantages but DH has absolutely no interest in moving back there.

Have you and oh sat down and honestly openly and calmly talked about this? Are you really open to the idea?


Seriously I'm not having a pop at you. Like I've outlined I was in kind of the same situation and am just seeing this all from my experiences

I do think that the inlaw issue will never be sorted as you really are a stranger to them. None of you spend enough time with each other to get to know how each other tick. They sound rather much like me, laid back about family visits. My stepdaughter thinks nothing about ringing me Friday saying she, partner, her two kids, her little sister and partners young lad are coming down for the weekend. They are welcome and they just have to get on with it when they are here. Even down to buying their own milk and bread and stuff they want. I certainly don't run around after them. They know where the kitchen and linen cupboard are, know how to make up beds (and know how the washing machine works). But we have that because we see each other a lot, at least fortnightly ( still a 150 miles round trip for vists)

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

I didn't react to it.

You have to see that you did. You did because you mentioned it on here otherwise I wouldn't have known he suggested you tube.

You said yesterday you booked a holiday to chill down. Where did you book is it close in time to de stress?

hunters

if you had spent even half the time discussing this with your hubby yesterday than you spent on here you may well have sorted things out but it seems that you would rather spend all of that precious time of yours posting on a forum?

the one who misses out sadly is your daughter

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

You have to see that you did. You did because you mentioned it on here otherwise I wouldn't have known he suggested you tube.

You said yesterday you booked a holiday to chill down. Where did you book is it close in time to de stress?

I didn't say anything about his youtube suggestion to him - i.e., i didn't react. When the time comes, if DD isn't with us sorting things out with us then I'll put on a film rather than youtube!

Not that sort of holiday - Disneyland paris for next year with DD's "birth friends".

notanewuser

suki1964 wrote: »

Have you and oh sat down and honestly openly and calmly talked about this? Are you really open to the idea?


Seriously I'm not having a pop at you. Like I've outlined I was in kind of the same situation and am just seeing this all from my experiences

I do think that the inlaw issue will never be sorted as you really are a stranger to them. None of you spend enough time with each other to get to know how each other tick. They sound rather much like me, laid back about family visits. My stepdaughter thinks nothing about ringing me Friday saying she, partner, her two kids, her little sister and partners young lad are coming down for the weekend. They are welcome and they just have to get on with it when they are here. Even down to buying their own milk and bread and stuff they want. I certainly don't run around after them. They know where the kitchen and linen cupboard are, know how to make up beds (and know how the washing machine works). But we have that because we see each other a lot, at least fortnightly ( still a 150 miles round trip for vists)

I'm not keen on moving up there (and basically starting again as I'd have nobody up there) and neither is DH because he wouldn't actually gain anything. If there were some clear benefit then perhaps we would. DH knows deep down that his parents don't really care, but has this sense of duty in having to defend them at every turn. When he's around them (particularly his dad) he's so desperate for approval. When it doesn't come he gets down and that gets taken out on me. There are so many things he's said he doesn't want to do with DD that his dad did with him - unreasonable expectations, parenting through fear, lack of understanding etc - and yet when they do pop up wanting to visit he can't see anything but the opportunity for acceptance.

He knew when we got together that his family and I would never see eye to eye. They don't really understand women wanting careers rather than barefoot and pregnant, providing for their man and expecting nothing more than a pat on the head at the end of the day.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

The question is do you love him enough to let things go and make it a better place to be for you and him?

I think so.

victory wrote: »

Can you stop bringing up the past and think about the present and the future and will it be full of happiness with the in laws in it?

I married him, not his family. I shouldn't be expiated to plan the future based on them, surely?!

victory wrote: »

Are any of the issues you have together an actual deal-breaker or just ammunition to throw at each other?

I don't think they are deal breakers at the moment, but if we don't both do something about the impact they have on us occasionally they could be.

victory wrote: »

Can you see yourself living like this in ten years:eek:? What about your DD does she sense the atmosphere?

I bloody well hope not! And no, there's no atmosphere for her to pick up on. She's a very happy girl.

victory wrote: »

Will you have any other children that will be brought into this war?

That was never likely.

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

The irony is you give the impression that you are becoming that final paragraph. The SAHM doing everything and pandering to his every need.

Oh goodness, no! I'm a terrible housewife!

I perhaps let DH get away with being selfish and doing his own thing a bit too often just because he does work very hard.

suki1964

Guess they reinstated it