Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

NANW

I think you've reached the point in the argument where you've both said things you wish you hadn't and it has reached a point where to apologise 'may' be considered a sign of weakness.

however both of you could probably do with a good slice of humble pie and even though it might stick in your throat, it needs you to be the bigger person here.

Personally I would let tempers cool and not mention the subject for a few days and then when he's in a receptive mood, you need to say to him that if his family are coming down, then both of you need to sit down and work out the logistics of how its going to work.

I've found by doing that way my OH has had time to digest my arguments and either come around to my way of thinking or at least thought about a solution

Thanks. He did ask this evening what we were doing this weekend. When I said there wasn't much planned he suggested sitting DD in front of Youtube while we get on with things. As much as I appreciated the attempt to get involved and take some responsibility, I'm not sure that's great for DD!

gettingtheresometime

notanewuser wrote: »

As for the rest, how dare you. Why on earth do you think I would be nasty to DH's family? I would LOVE for them to be a bit more involved and pay attention to DD. I've lost count of the offers we've made for them to come and visit. When they have been here I've done everything possible to ensure their comfort and waited on them hand and foot. The issue is that DH doesn't see that. He thinks having them to stay is a breeze. The beds make themselves, the bathrooms clean themselves, fabulous meals get whipped up as if by magic. All he need do is position himself close to the bottle opener and enjoy.

I don't even hate every minute. But when they're gone and I realise how much is taken and how little given it makes me cross and sad in equal measure. I want better for DH. I want better for DD. I wouldn't ever stand in the way of their relationship. And as someone else said, unless I can make him see that, nothing will ever change.

But NANU you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Yes his family may treat your OH (and by association you and your daughter) like dirt but until he decides that enough is enough you have to go along with the fantasy that the next visit will be the one where they break down in tears and admit they've treated him and you like dirt.

Until that day, you have to go along with the charade, if only for your OH's sake.

Perhaps its time to take things down a level when they visit, or even when you visit them?

gettingtheresometime

notanewuser wrote: »

Thanks. He did ask this evening what we were doing this weekend. When I said there wasn't much planned he suggested sitting DD in front of Youtube while we get on with things. As much as I appreciated the attempt to get involved and take some responsibility, I'm not sure that's great for DD!

He's trying to build bridges.........at least accept the truce!

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

But NANU you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Yes his family may treat your OH (and by association you and your daughter) like dirt but until he decides that enough is enough you have to go along with the fantasy that the next visit will be the one where they break down in tears and admit they've treated him and you like dirt.

Until that day, you have to go along with the charade, if only for your OH's sake.

Perhaps its time to take things down a level when they visit, or even when you visit them?

How do you mean?

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

He's trying to build bridges.........at least accept the truce!

I did, lol. :rotfl:

meer53

notanewuser wrote: »

Yes I can, actually. And I'm still friends with more than half of the children I was with (almost 33 years later).

As for the rest, how dare you. Why on earth do you think I would be nasty to DH's family? I would LOVE for them to be a bit more involved and pay attention to DD. I've lost count of the offers we've made for them to come and visit. When they have been here I've done everything possible to ensure their comfort and waited on them hand and foot. The issue is that DH doesn't see that. He thinks having them to stay is a breeze. The beds make themselves, the bathrooms clean themselves, fabulous meals get whipped up as if by magic. All he need do is position himself close to the bottle opener and enjoy.

I don't even hate every minute. But when they're gone and I realise how much is taken and how little given it makes me cross and sad in equal measure. I want better for DH. I want better for DD. I wouldn't ever stand in the way of their relationship. And as someone else said, unless I can make him see that, nothing will ever change.

I never said i thought you'd be nasty to them, i was referring to my own situation.

You are so defensive about everything, you need to calm down and see this for what it is. It's no big deal. In the grand scheme of things, really, it's not.

Be the bigger person, it's okay to give and not receive you know.

gettingtheresometime

notanewuser wrote: »

How do you mean?

Ok - I'm not saying subject them to dirty bedsheets or bathrooms but if a cup of tea is to be made...well he knows where the kettle is doesn't he?

If help is needed in the kitchen then he has a pair of hands hasn't he?

Yes he may be the 1950s man when in their presence but I'm sure that you can drag him diplomatically to the 21st Century!

dktreesea

notanewuser wrote: »

Oh, they absolutely don't. But I spent at least 8 years trying and got nowhere. I don't actually need to understand them, or for them to understand me!

You and me both.

notanewuser wrote: »

The annexe is sorted. It's always sorted.

I've no issue with the other rooms getting sorted so long as I don't need to be involved! If DH doesn't want to do that, then he can make alternative (hotel?) arrangements with them.

Exactly. His family, so time for him to pull his finger out and get whatever needs to be done in the house sorted to accommodate them.


I hate the idea though, of accommodating friends and family at the same time. Especially if I don't envisage them mixing all that well.

FBaby

I don't know how much this thread (or maybe others, don't know, I haven't read them recently and don't recall them) reflects the depth of your marriage, but I agree with others that the way you describe it, it doesn't come across at all as a marriage made of happiness, but one made of convenience. Are you sure you love your husband? Are you sure he loves you? Because it doesn't come across at any time. Of course, when you are angry, you don't feel much love, but even when you describe other times, the main feelings that you comes out of it is resentment.

I am wondering how much burrying your head under the sand there is in your marriage and things come up when you don't agree. It is not healthy that after being together for that number of years, communication between each other should be so hampered.

I think you need to stop focussing on his family and start to think about your marriage. After all, they are not the problem, as you say, you make an effort to welcome them and want them to be closer to your DD. It is clearly the fact that your husband invited them without consulting you and the reason for him doing it that is the issue.

After 21 pages, I concluded that you are both wrong in the way you treat each other, and neither of you seem that bothered to try to understand the other, let alone do things to make them happy.

CH27

NANU
I advised you to go to Relate to learn how to communicate but now I think they will be better teaching you both to unlearn how you both operate now before you can move forward.

We only go off what you post & you seem so unhappy. Please get some impartial help.