Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

CH27

notanewuser wrote: »

I apologise for kicking off earlier. I was extremely emotional (that's the PTSD triggered) and felt that some posters were deliberately taunting me/twisting the knife and winding me up further. I've been for a walk, booked a holiday and had a hot drink and I feel much better now!

Glad you're feeling better love.

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

Okay, so this is how it went (so DH says).

My SIL had arranged to go away that weekend. She messaged me to ask what we had planned for DD's birthday, but she mistyped my email address so I didn't get it. When DH was up there she told him she'd messaged me but I hadn't replied. He told her to resend it, she spotted the email address was wrong, but in the meantime he asked them if they wanted to come down (even though he knew what we had planned). He admits he didn't think it through, but absolutely refuses to consider that perhaps that wasn't the right order to do things in. Not knowing any of this I replied to SIL saying that October was manic (with some examples) and that we hadn't decided exactly what we were doing. She said she hoped she'd see us soon. I thought she was asking because we were expected to go up there afterwards, as is our usual routine.

So none of the "October nightmare" has been translated up there, they now think they're free to come either weekend (and probably didn't expect to have to tell us - DH did ring to tell them that we needed to know). DH still doesn't see that he did anything at all wrong, is denying that he agreed certain things before he went up there, and refuses point blank to sort out anything to enable them to stay if they do turn up.

I have calmly pointed out that there are a number of options to sort this out, which doesn't have to mean they don't come, but also that I will not be spending that weekend skivvying if they do come. I've asked him to think about what would happen re meals etc if they do decide to come then.

I could ring MIL and discuss it quite openly, but DH does not want me to as it's his family and he feels they should be able to come anytime they/he wants. I've explained that that's all well and good, but somebody has to do some work for them to come and so where he's expecting me to do any of that discussion beforehand is essential!

So still not resolved, but we've calmed down and are talking. He acknowledges that DD would much rather have her best friends than family she doesn't really know at her birthday.

He probably forgot or at least didn't think it through, it's very easy to do when you are with your family, it's all positive and you want to keep that. Seriously don't be hard on him for that, he's doing what many do when they don't live near their family especially if they are having a good time. They just want to replicate it. He did nothing wrong offering - don't feel that way it's his handling now that's wrong not the offer.

However, once realised he should deal with it.

This is something he needs to get head out of !!! and deal with. He needs to say "no room at inn that weekend, it's hotel and limited access" - that's him not you.

Next issue is dealing with the way you talk about his family. "Waiting on hands and feet" "skivying to them" or words that make it sound like a chore will be like a red rag to a bull.

This is your chance to put a line under it, neither of you are right and neither wrong, but the loser is your marriage and your DD, something neither want. You need to really let go of the past, stop holding them to your standards, stop remembering how much wrapping paper or nappies, or cups of tea you made - that's resentment and history.

It's a time (once the birthday issue is dealt with) to put it to rest, start a fresh, give them a clean slate and accept he loves them. If you think about how you'd feel if he spoke about your parents you'd see where some of his unwillingness to compromise comes from.

It's one instance where you can't knock down the mountain it needs done as a team but you do need to consider how you react to his family and saying negative things contributes to this.

Are you willing to start a fresh with his family and be the bigger person? If so start with an apology, sorry that you have felt negativity and this is something you genuinely want to change. However, he needs to work with you on the very near issue.

He probably knows they won't come anyway so a bit of give and take could work. Don't let this spoil a marriage it really doesn't need to.

FBaby

DH still doesn't see that he did anything at all wrong, is denying that he agreed certain things before he went up there,

I did wonder about the understanding of what plans you had made before he went there. I had some misunderstanding with my OH before when I would say something like 'I was thinking that this week-end we could do x or y', to which he would reply 'yes, why not, let's do x if it is available 'to which I would get back to him and say 'i've looked it up and x is available' leading to a 'that sound great'.

Now that to me would mean it was agreed, he would say that we only discussed it! So now I make sure that I finish any such discussion by 'ok, let's put it in our diary.

I suspect what you considered finalised might have been just still suggestions in his mind, hence not agreeing with you that things were set in stones and therefore he didn't do anything wrong by inviting his family.

but also that I will not be spending that weekend skivvying if they do come.

You would have got less of a defensive response if you had said that it was going to be a very busy time and you would really appreciate his help and would he mind if you devised a list of things to do and discuss together who would do what.

He acknowledges that DD would much rather have her best friends than family she doesn't really know at her birthday.

How come she doesn't know them well if you go there every couple of months? My kids only saw my parents twice a year at most, but it was never a case of who they liked more. It was different, but they were happy to see both their friends and their grand parents, the more the merrier!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I did wonder about the understanding of what plans you had made before he went there. I had some misunderstanding with my OH before when I would say something like 'I was thinking that this week-end we could do x or y', to which he would reply 'yes, why not, let's do x if it is available 'to which I would get back to him and say 'i've looked it up and x is available' leading to a 'that sound great'.

Now that to me would mean it was agreed, he would say that we only discussed it! So now I make sure that I finish any such discussion by 'ok, let's put it in our diary.

I suspect what you considered finalised might have been just still suggestions in his mind, hence not agreeing with you that things were set in stones and therefore he didn't do anything wrong by inviting his family.



You would have got less of a defensive response if you had said that it was going to be a very busy time and you would really appreciate his help and would he mind if you devised a list of things to do and discuss together who would do what.

How come she doesn't know them well if you go there every couple of months? My kids only saw my parents twice a year at most, but it was never a case of who they liked more. It was different, but they were happy to see both their friends and their grand parents, the more the merrier!

They play together, but she doesn't say "cousin x doesn't like jam" or "that's cousin y's favourite thing" like she does with her birth friends.

victory

bloolagoon wrote: »

He probably forgot or at least didn't think it through, it's very easy to do when you are with your family, it's all positive and you want to keep that. Seriously don't be hard on him for that, he's doing what many do when they don't live near their family especially if they are having a good time. They just want to replicate it. He did nothing wrong offering - don't feel that way it's his handling now that's wrong not the offer.

However, once realised he should deal with it.

This is something he needs to get head out of !!! and deal with. He needs to say "no room at inn that weekend, it's hotel and limited access" - that's him not you.

Next issue is dealing with the way you talk about his family. "Waiting on hands and feet" "skivying to them" or words that make it sound like a chore will be like a red rag to a bull.

This is your chance to put a line under it, neither of you are right and neither wrong, but the loser is your marriage and your DD, something neither want. You need to really let go of the past, stop holding them to your standards, stop remembering how much wrapping paper or nappies, or cups of tea you made - that's resentment and history.

It's a time (once the birthday issue is dealt with) to put it to rest, start a fresh, give them a clean slate and accept he loves them. If you think about how you'd feel if he spoke about your parents you'd see where some of his unwillingness to compromise comes from.

It's one instance where you can't knock down the mountain it needs done as a team but you do need to consider how you react to his family and saying negative things contributes to this.

Are you willing to start a fresh with his family and be the bigger person? If so start with an apology, sorry that you have felt negativity and this is something you genuinely want to change. However, he needs to work with you on the very near issue.

He probably knows they won't come anyway so a bit of give and take could work. Don't let this spoil a marriage it really doesn't need to.

Beautifully put.:D

If you live off history and resentment, it will always come back to haunt you, you your OH, your marriage, get off the hamster wheel and change it now you have both calmed down, it can get better if you react better to the family situation:D

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

You would have got less of a defensive response if you had said that it was going to be a very busy time and you would really appreciate his help and would he mind if you devised a list of things to do and discuss together who would do what.

Doesn't that imply that it's my job though and not his?

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

Doesn't that imply that it's my job though and not his?

50/50, you could have both pulled together and got those room in ship shape condition easily in time if you both pulled together, you still can, if it is back to his family his chore, his problem, he has to deal with it, how does solve anything? Back to resentment... just do it together because it is the right thing to do, what he wants...what will make him happy, I am sure he does things for you that he would not necessarily do if he had the choice?

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

Doesn't that imply that it's my job though and not his?

its yours together - and if you're the one with the finger on the pulse about whats going on in your house/annex/where you're going/what you're doing for DD's birthday weekend, it makes perfect sense to me that you'd discuss with your OH identifying and divvying up the jobs to make it all doable. Thats communicating.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

50/50, you could have both pulled together and got those room in ship shape condition easily in time if you both pulled together, you still can, if it is back to his family his chore, his problem, he has to deal with it, how does solve anything? Back to resentment... just do it together because it is the right thing to do, what he wants...what will make him happy, I am sure he does things for you that he would not necessarily do if he had the choice?

Can't think of anything.

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

Can't think of anything.

Are you saying then you do it all? He never takes you out or is romantic or brings home your fav chocs or flowers? He never does a job if you ask him to as eg you can't reach it or don't want to go into the shed as you are afraid of spiders? He never does anything around the house or mows the lawn or paints a wall?

He never takes DD out to the park to give you a break or you all go out as a family on a saturday afternoon ice skating or to the zoo?