Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

CH27

I've obviously missed a lot this afternoon.

Nanu I think you & your OH need to go to Relate to learn how to communicate with each other agian.

It makes me very sad that your DD is stuck in the middle of such stubbornness.

seven-day-weekend

I don't have contact with any friends I made before my twenties.

My husband and his best friend have known each other for fifty-four years, they met at Secondary School. They have played music together for that long too, and still do.

Now I know what 'Birth Friends ' are too!

gettingtheresometime

bloolagoon wrote: »

I
"We'd move heaven and earth" to ensure friends attend v the way you speak about his family show clearly that you hold resentment of his family, yet put yours on a pedestal. I'm sure this isn't something he can compromise.

In fairness I have a similar attitude to what I guess the OP has......will move heaven and earth for people who I know will do the same for me but certainly not for those I know wouldn't, or at least put themselves out a little for me......even if they are family

hawk30

I knew what the OP meant by birth friends, possibly because my LO has the same. They are the babies born to mums and dads we met at NCT, who she has seen on a regular basis ever since she was born.

OP, I would be furious if my DH treated me with such disrespect. He would never make plans like this without consulting me first, especially if we had already made plans for something. And I don't get the whole 'family comes first thing' - sometimes our friends are more deserving of our time.

bloolagoon

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

In fairness I have a similar attitude to what I guess the OP has......will move heaven and earth for people who I know will do the same for me but certainly not for those I know wouldn't, or at least put themselves out a little for me......even if they are family

I don't see that as a problem if you both feel the same but they clearly don't that's the underlying problem. He wants her to feel as he does about his family (as he does hers) but that isn't happening.

There's many reasons not to go overboard for family members but grandparents where 1 party wants to move heaven and earth and one is more like when he'll freezes over needs a lot of compromise, consideration and communication.

Something that isn't happening here but can easily be resolved.

bloolagoon

hawk30 wrote: »

I knew what the OP meant by birth friends, possibly because my LO has the same. They are the babies born to mums and dads we met at NCT, who she has seen on a regular basis ever since she was born.

OP, I would be furious if my DH treated me with such disrespect. He would never make plans like this without consulting me first, especially if we had already made plans for something. And I don't get the whole 'family comes first thing' - sometimes our friends are more deserving of our time.

Our friends, our time


That's why it works for you.


I imagine op's OH whilst staying at the family home with the family he's close to made a comment of "if you are needing to be out of the house due to builders it's DD birthday and we would love to see you"

It's easily done, plans forgotten in heat of the moment and a molehill.

No need to be furious you just ring and say "completely forgot, OH made plans and sadly we need to revisit the idea"


However, her OH isn't willing to do that and I suspect that it's due to underlying history add his temper tantrum and molehill is a mountain.

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

Our friends, our time


That's why it works for you.


I imagine op's OH whilst staying at the family home with the family he's close to made a comment of "if you are needing to be out of the house due to builders it's DD birthday and we would love to see you"

It's easily done, plans forgotten in heat of the moment and a molehill.

No need to be furious you just ring and say "completely forgot, OH made plans and sadly we need to revisit the idea"


However, her OH isn't willing to do that and I suspect that it's due to underlying history add his temper tantrum and molehill is a mountain.

Okay, so this is how it went (so DH says).

My SIL had arranged to go away that weekend. She messaged me to ask what we had planned for DD's birthday, but she mistyped my email address so I didn't get it. When DH was up there she told him she'd messaged me but I hadn't replied. He told her to resend it, she spotted the email address was wrong, but in the meantime he asked them if they wanted to come down (even though he knew what we had planned). He admits he didn't think it through, but absolutely refuses to consider that perhaps that wasn't the right order to do things in. Not knowing any of this I replied to SIL saying that October was manic (with some examples) and that we hadn't decided exactly what we were doing. She said she hoped she'd see us soon. I thought she was asking because we were expected to go up there afterwards, as is our usual routine.

So none of the "October nightmare" has been translated up there, they now think they're free to come either weekend (and probably didn't expect to have to tell us - DH did ring to tell them that we needed to know). DH still doesn't see that he did anything at all wrong, is denying that he agreed certain things before he went up there, and refuses point blank to sort out anything to enable them to stay if they do turn up.

I have calmly pointed out that there are a number of options to sort this out, which doesn't have to mean they don't come, but also that I will not be spending that weekend skivvying if they do come. I've asked him to think about what would happen re meals etc if they do decide to come then.

I could ring MIL and discuss it quite openly, but DH does not want me to as it's his family and he feels they should be able to come anytime they/he wants. I've explained that that's all well and good, but somebody has to do some work for them to come and so where he's expecting me to do any of that discussion beforehand is essential!

So still not resolved, but we've calmed down and are talking. He acknowledges that DD would much rather have her best friends than family she doesn't really know at her birthday.

notanewuser

I apologise for kicking off earlier. I was extremely emotional (that's the PTSD triggered) and felt that some posters were deliberately taunting me/twisting the knife and winding me up further. I've been for a walk, booked a holiday and had a hot drink and I feel much better now!

thorsoak

I do, sincerely, hope that you do manage to find a satisfactory solution to this situation. And I really would recommend that you and OH consider going to Relate - these differences aren't going to go away without hard work by both of you. {{hugs}}

seven-day-weekend

notanewuser wrote: »

I apologise for kicking off earlier. I was extremely emotional (that's the PTSD triggered) and felt that some posters were deliberately taunting me/twisting the knife and winding me up further. I've been for a walk, booked a holiday and had a hot drink and I feel much better now!

Apology accepted and I'm glad you feel better