Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

dktreesea

notanewuser wrote: »

I think I could like them............ if they behaved like normal people!

Stop trying to accommodate them! There are his family not yours.


Dealing with in laws requires ground rules. Just imho. In our house, we occasionally get visits from both sides. He entertains his family and I entertain mine. I never, and I do mean never, make food or drink for my in-laws. They have the impression I don't even know where the kitchen is. That's fine by me; they're not here at my invitation. Plus they have really come to see my OH, not me, so I try to give them space. Lots of space.


And we don't adjust existing plans to acommodate them. If we have made other arrangements, we continue on with them, as in "there's food in the fridge. Please feel free to help yourselves. You don't have to feel you need to go out just because we have prior arrangements."


I'm sure over the years I have made a bad inpression on my in laws, but I gave up caring years ago. Had they been more my cup of tea, it might have been different. But we just aren't that interested in each other.

Savvy_Sue

I do not think it's going to be possible to resolve this for the birthday weekend.

However, as it's a repeating situation and the OP and her OH have difficulty discussing it like rational adults, getting some outside help might pay dividends. Relate, for example, would far rather work with people before the relationship breaks down irretrievably ...

FBaby

But putting their demands/expectations/thoughtlessness above his wife and daughter (because he's still their child and reverts to that state whenever they show any interest) isn't on

It's statements like this that makes you wonder whether you really are open-minded about compromises. I am totally with you, in your situation, I would not be happy AT ALL! But the title of the thread is about compromising, and I don't feel that you are prepared to do so when it comes to your in-laws. Compromising when it comes to them would involve you accepting that they are not 'normal' as you claim and taking them as they are, ie. they drive you mad, you'll never see eye to eye, but the sake of your relationship and your husband, you start accepting them as they are.

If you really intend to compromise with your husband, you need to get it out of you mind that he puts them first before you and your daughter. I really hope you haven't told him that because it is incredibly insulting and hurtful. Yes, he is being careless and self-centered when it comes to this episode, but that doesn't mean that he cares more for them than you.

You are both stuck in trying to convince yourself that you are right and that the other should see why you are right and they are not. You can never start compromising with this mindset. The only way you are going to come to some sort of resolution is if you start seeing it from your OH's eyes and what you can do to help him deal with how he feels. For instance, imagine what he would be writing if he came here to express his frustration? Go from there. When you start really compromising in your opinion of your in-laws, he will then start to do the same. Before you know it, you'll be the one saying that maybe you should be inviting them down to you for a week-end!!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

It's statements like this that makes you wonder whether you really are open-minded about compromises. I am totally with you, in your situation, I would not be happy AT ALL! But the title of the thread is about compromising, and I don't feel that you are prepared to do so when it comes to your in-laws. Compromising when it comes to them would involve you accepting that they are not 'normal' as you claim and taking them as they are, ie. they drive you mad, you'll never see eye to eye, but the sake of your relationship and your husband, you start accepting them as they are.

If you really intend to compromise with your husband, you need to get it out of you mind that he puts them first before you and your daughter. I really hope you haven't told him that because it is incredibly insulting and hurtful. Yes, he is being careless and self-centered when it comes to this episode, but that doesn't mean that he cares more for them than you.

You are both stuck in trying to convince yourself that you are right and that the other should see why you are right and they are not. You can never start compromising with this mindset. The only way you are going to come to some sort of resolution is if you start seeing it from your OH's eyes and what you can do to help him deal with how he feels. For instance, imagine what he would be writing if he came here to express his frustration? Go from there. When you start really compromising in your opinion of your in-laws, he will then start to do the same. Before you know it, you'll be the one saying that maybe you should be inviting them down to you for a week-end!!

This is where getting advice via a forum falls down. I have offered hundreds of times in the past for them to come down in the past 4 years, both directly and via DH, because I do actually understand the importance of his and DD's relationship with them. I instigated the summer visit that didn't happen, for example. And that extends to all 3 brothers and their families too. The ONLY time I've point blank refused to have them down to stay was just after DD's birth. They have been the ones that have chosen not to come.

I'm not even saying they can't come down on DD's birthday weekend. I think it's perfectly reasonable that if they do come they fit into our existing plans rather than change them. Hence the compromises I've suggested. What I'm unhappy about is DH's refusal to put DD first when it's her birthday. He believes that as there is a chance his parents will want to come down we should change our plans. I'm twice bitten, I'm afraid. He's told me that he didn't even consider that when talking to them, despite the lengthy conversations about what we would do and when.

That's the rub. I'm prepared to meet halfway on the tea party. He's not prepared to give an inch.

CH27

Your posts are beginning to make me sad.
I feel sorry for your DD & OH is all this as your dislike for them comes across loud & clear.

They are your OH's parents & your DD's grandparents. Like it or lump it but you cannot change it.
However you can respect your OH & DD's wishes to have them in their lives without throwing up obstacles all the time.

Marriage is about respect & compromise.
Parenting teaches children how to respect, love, compromise etc & how can your DD learn it if she never sees it in action?

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

Your posts are beginning to make me sad.
I feel sorry for your DD & OH is all this as your dislike for them comes across loud & clear.

They are your OH's parents & your DD's grandparents. Like it or lump it but you cannot change it.
However you can respect your OH & DD's wishes to have them in their lives without throwing up obstacles all the time.

Marriage is about respect & compromise.
Parenting teaches children how to respect, love, compromise etc & how can your DD learn it if she never sees it in action?

I don't dislike them. I don't understand them!

Please explain how you think I'm not compromising here.

seven-day-weekend

If there is space for four in the annex, why can't they stay there (children on airbeds maybe), and your friend and her child stay in a cleared-out bedroom? Your husband could do his part by getting the rooms ready. Would that work?

If they don't come, then your friend can still have the annex and you have a cleare bedroom.

notanewuser

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If there is space for four in the annex, why can't they stay there (children on airbeds maybe), and your friend and her child stay in a cleared-out bedroom? Your husband could do his part by getting the rooms ready. Would that work?

Potentially. (The child tends to wake very loudly very early every morning - 5am - hence tending to put them in their own space!). Means not getting rid of some mattresses etc that I was intending to, but it could work. Doesn't solve the going away issue though.

victory

See the thing is because of your dislike of your in laws all the posts suggesting things are going to be dismissed and not taken on board.

There is no fun just war, if you liked them the effort to empty the rooms could either be done together, with some friends helping or some paid help, if it was important enough you would get over the lame excuses and deal with them.

If it's because they never feed you you could ask them to bring along x, y, so as it's not your sole cost.

The fun and excitement of their visit is missing so bad it's just anger, resentment, just negatives.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

See the thing is because of your dislike of your in laws all the posts suggesting things are going to be dismissed and not taken on board.

There is no fun just war, if you liked them the effort to empty the rooms could either be done together, with some friends helping or some paid help, if it was important enough you would get over the lame excuses and deal with them.

If it's because they never feed you you could ask them to bring along x, y, so as it's not your sole cost.

The fun and excitement of their visit is missing so bad it's just anger, resentment, just negatives.

More unfair assumptions.