Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Nicki

You are far from a doormat and come across as a very abrasive person indeed to live with.

For what it's worth, my in laws would have no problem whatsoever if I phoned them today and said I might be coming for a few days from Tuesday. If I did I would be welcomed with open arms and a bottle of wine would be opened (and the same if they did this to me) and if the visit fell through it would be no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Though I would not feel aggrieved that I waited on them hand and foot or require them to wait on me hand or foot either. We would just rub along like normal family members do

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

You are far from a doormat and come across as a very abrasive person indeed to live with.

For what it's worth, my in laws would have no problem whatsoever if I phoned them today and said I might be coming for a few days from Tuesday. If I did I would be welcomed with open arms and a bottle of wine would be opened (and the same if they did this to me) and if the visit fell through it would be no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Though I would not feel aggrieved that I waited on them hand and foot or require them to wait on me hand or foot either. We would just rub along like normal family members do

Well do feel free to pick up a medal on your way out.

(Newsflash - not all people/families are the same. )

millysg1

Nicki wrote: »

You are far from a doormat and come across as a very abrasive person indeed to live with.

For what it's worth, my in laws would have no problem whatsoever if I phoned them today and said I might be coming for a few days from Tuesday. If I did I would be welcomed with open arms and a bottle of wine would be opened (and the same if they did this to me) and if the visit fell through it would be no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Though I would not feel aggrieved that I waited on them hand and foot or require them to wait on me hand or foot either. We would just rub along like normal family members do

You shouldnt judge the OPs relationship with her In laws by your own. Every family is diffeent and have different levels of familuality. I dont think it fair to the OP. HEr and her OH obvisoulty havent had an easy ride with that side of the family.

mummyroysof3

Personally I would ring them and explain that they welcome to come but rooms are full of stuff, say you will do your best to make sure they got beds but rooms may still be messy. But you need to know as this will take time to move etc. Then just for weekend move some stuff around. It won't ruin in garage in 2 days surely?

I hate when people can't give a firm answer and mess you around but I think if it's important to hubby to have then there you should both make it happen ps don't wait on them hand and foot either

Nicki

notanewuser wrote: »

Well do feel free to pick up a medal on your way out.

(Newsflash - not all people/families are the same. )

I don't think they hand out medals for what 99.9% of the normal sane population do on an everyday basis

If this thread has shown you nothing else, surely it is shown you that most people would not and do not react in the same way that you do to a visit from the in laws.

Nicki

millysg1 wrote: »

You shouldnt judge the OPs relationship with her In laws by your own. Every family is diffeent and have different levels of familuality. I dont think it fair to the OP. HEr and her OH obvisoulty havent had an easy ride with that side of the family.

Hmmm. I think all that can be said in all fairness and neutrality is that the OP does not like her husbands family! Reading her many many threads on this subject over a long period of time, everything the inlaws do is portrayed negatively. Usually she is in fact moaning that she and her husband have to visit them more frequently than they visit her, but when they do visit her (or in this case attempt to) that is never right either!

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

I don't think they hand out medals for what 99.9% of the normal sane population do on an everyday basis

If this thread has shown you nothing else, surely it is shown you that most people would not and do not react in the same way that you do to a visit from the in laws.

Actually, if I check I think *most* people have agreed that DH should be compromising as well as me...........

And a large number have agreed that they wouldn't organise something like this without discussing it with their OH first!

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Hmmm. I think all that can be said in all fairness and neutrality is that the OP does not like her husbands family! Reading her many many threads on this subject over a long period of time, everything the inlaws do is portrayed negatively. Usually she is in fact moaning that she and her husband have to visit them more frequently than they visit her, but when they do visit her (or in this case attempt to) that is never right either!

If we didn't visit then we wouldn't see them. They last came down 2 years ago. We travel up there around 6 times a year, at a cost of a few hundred ££££s every time. I put up with it (it's exhausting) because I want DD to have a relationship with that side of the family. It maddens me that they make no effort whatsoever.

moomoomama27

This scenario will not end well nor will things probably change in the future if attitudes of both don't change.

The way I see it, the OPs husband is needy for his families affection and presence, to the detriment at times of his wives plans. The OP has a tense relationship with them because of past troubles and their unreliability, which shades her perspective into being more flexible, and tbh I think I may feel the same, given some of the background info,... But .......

How will this ever change if no one is going to ever be flexible, or change their approach?

If the OP gives in, then husband will continue to not check in advance, not consult her on her plans and this situation will happen numerous times.

If husband takes back the offer, or changes it to suit the original plans, he's lost his battle and it will cause strops and disharmony within the household.

This needs to be addressed ASAP, because like another poster said, these sort of disagreements in a relationship don't have a good track record for ending well.

It has to be give and take, and OP you do come across very much ' my way or the highway' which isn't the greatest trait to possess!

notanewuser

I'm actually pretty adaptable, but surely everybody has their limit!