Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

Surely the following are acceptable compromises:

They come but stay at a hotel
They come, and DH does everything necessary to facilitate that
They come a different weekend

???

After all, they've only suggested coming because they're having building work done. It's nothing to do with DD's birthday!!

Those are perfectly sensible options.

None of us have a magic wand to make your OH and his family see it that way though, so I still think this thread was probably just another rant about them.

I don't blame you for wanting to rant though. From your posts about your relationship, both under this ID and the old one, I can't see any sign that you even like each other particularly, let alone his family!

thorsoak

notanewuser wrote: »

Micromanaged her birthday? I wasn't even going to decide where it would be until the day before!!!! :rotfl:

Your post 121:- What we had planned was EXACTLY what would make DD happiest. Quality time with DH and I somewhere really fun, a night in a hotel with a view of animals and then to see her very best friends together (rare now as 3/5 live away) with a pink cake. DD heaven.

Your post 128:- "I actually have space for 4 people in the annex, but having invited others to stay there that weekend weeks ago, it's not available."

Your post 134:- 3 of DD's best friends now live 160+ miles away. When we agreed to have a get together for them all (4? weeks ago?) we offered one set of friends the annex so that they wouldn't be spending 6+ hours travelling in one day. They would come for the party (1 adult, 1child) stay overnight and leave early the next morning. (The others have relatives here they can stay with.). They stay fairly often, and are no trouble at all. Very different to 3 adults and 2 children coming Friday to Monday.

Post 143:- ..."She's good friends with us both. The child is like a sibling to DD. We invited them weeks ago and there's no way either of us is going to say that they can't come and stay" ...


Is that not managing?

Quite frankly, all these shenanagins about the birthday party of a 4 year old are a smokescreen - YOU have to look at the relationship between you and your husband - because, as things look at the moment, you aren't going to be together to worry about her 10th birthday - let alone her 18th!

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

Your post 121:- What we had planned was EXACTLY what would make DD happiest. Quality time with DH and I somewhere really fun, a night in a hotel with a view of animals and then to see her very best friends together (rare now as 3/5 live away) with a pink cake. DD heaven.

Your post 128:- "I actually have space for 4 people in the annex, but having invited others to stay there that weekend weeks ago, it's not available."

Your post 134:- 3 of DD's best friends now live 160+ miles away. When we agreed to have a get together for them all (4? weeks ago?) we offered one set of friends the annex so that they wouldn't be spending 6+ hours travelling in one day. They would come for the party (1 adult, 1child) stay overnight and leave early the next morning. (The others have relatives here they can stay with.). They stay fairly often, and are no trouble at all. Very different to 3 adults and 2 children coming Friday to Monday.

Post 143:- ..."She's good friends with us both. The child is like a sibling to DD. We invited them weeks ago and there's no way either of us is going to say that they can't come and stay" ...


Is that not managing?

Quite frankly, all these shenanagins about the birthday party of a 4 year old are a smokescreen - YOU have to look at the relationship between you and your husband - because, as things look at the moment, you aren't going to be together to worry about her 10th birthday - let alone her 18th!

Of course it's managing, but not micro managing. How else do you plan get togethers of people who live all over the country?

How do you manage differences in expectations then? I think this is the biggest issue between us. We can agree on most of the standard day to day stuff very easily. Yes, it's his family. Yes, it's how they are. But putting their demands/expectations/thoughtlessness above his wife and daughter (because he's still their child and reverts to that state whenever they show any interest) isn't on. He never addressed them not turning up in the summer, and (apparently) refuses to consider their impact on things this time around.

We do have to find a way forward on this. I would be happy for that to be that they can come whenever they like provided it's convenient, and it doesn't rely on one person dropping everything to accommodate it. Where it can't be accommodated an alternative will have to be found.

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

Those are perfectly sensible options.

None of us have a magic wand to make your OH and his family see it that way though, so I still think this thread was probably just another rant about them.

i thought long and hard about posting, and actually gave no details originally. I did actually just want to find other ways to try and get DH and I to be able to compromise on this!

Georgiegirl256

Marisco wrote: »

So stop making such a bloody fuss then! You have been given - in ten pages - plenty of ideas on what to do, it seems you just want your oh to go along with whatever you want, and from what you say that is not going to happen.

But surely the OH knew what the plans were (party, day trip) and therefore he is in the wrong by trying to change those plans?

It matters not whether the OP gets on with the inlaws or not, that isn't the point here. The point is that her OH agreed they could come down without consulting her first or considering the extra work it would entail.

I don't understand why these threads of the OP's always end up with people turning on her and her looking like the bad guy?

gettingtheresometime

OP you can dress it up anyway you like but your relationship with your in-laws is affecting the way that you're dealing with this.

If they were people you got on with then you would huff and puff (as I would!) but you would find a solution to the problem -whether it meant putting yourself out or extra expense (by not being able to use the season tickets) .....but at the end of the day you would find a solution to the problem.

(speaking personally I was prepared to travel 400+ miles for a party staying overnight for someone but wouldn't travel 200 for a relation's party as I knew the former would walk over hot coals for me where as the other one wouldn't)

The fact you don't get on with them/respect them/only tolerate them for OH sake (and you can delete as appropriate) means that you will only consider a solution that's acceptable to you....and as I said before this situation has no compromises

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

OP you can dress it up anyway you like but your relationship with your in-laws is affecting the way that you're dealing with this.

If they were people you got on with then you would huff and puff (as I would!) but you would find a solution to the problem -whether it meant putting yourself out or extra expense (by not being able to use the season tickets) .....but at the end of the day you would find a solution to the problem.

(speaking personally I was prepared to travel 400+ miles for a party staying overnight for someone but wouldn't travel 200 for a relation's party as I knew the former would walk over hot coals for me where as the other one wouldn't)

The fact you don't get on with them/respect them/only tolerate them for OH sake (and you can delete as appropriate) means that you will only consider a solution that's acceptable to you....and as I said before this situation has no compromises

I think I could like them............ if they behaved like normal people!

gettingtheresometime

notanewuser wrote: »

I think I could like them............ if they behaved like normal people!

and there's the crux of the problem.

They have different standards/ways of behaving that goes against your grain and there's not a sufficient tolerance level to accommodate this difference.

As I keep reiterating there is no compromise on this - but if I were you I'd be using it as 'line drawn in the sand' event if only for future events

MrsAtobe

Am I the only one who thinks that bribing the builder not to go to the OP's in laws that weekend is the way forward?

dktreesea

notanewuser wrote: »

Let me correct a few assumptions, if I may.


I didn't say we'd dumped any crap in the rooms. My parents are renovating a house. Huge job, over run by 3 months so far. We have all of their furniture in our garage, and most of their clothing etc in the bedrooms. There is no room anywhere else for the stuff. We'll have friends staying overnight in the annex (already arranged) so we can't put stuff out there.




"My kid" really wouldn't.



You're right. I am not actually interested in "winning", hence asking about ways to get to a compromise. My calendar is pretty full between now and then. If he can find time to sort things out and cater to their every whim then he's welcome to.

I must be missing something here. Why are you even considering compromising? the birthday party is arranged. The people are already coming to it. The available space you have in your house is already taken by guests already invited. Your OH's family will just have to fit in around that. You certainly don't need to play the gracious hostess to them. Why would you? Just carry on with your party as if they are not there. If they turn up, I'm sure your OH is quite capable of making them a cup of tea and a meal.


Yes, it's not ideal. He should be focussed on his daughter's birthday and his other guests, and instead he is going to be running after mummy, daddy and their entourage. But it is what it's going to be, and no one can predict the future.


Yes, they'll turn up, there won't be beds for them. And? DON'T change your current plans. If your OH wants to stretch himself thin trying to accommodate them as well, that's his valhalla, surely?


If he is suggesting you reschedule the party/other visits, refuse point blank. Just tell him straight, no, that isn't going to happen. let him stress about how to fit his family in around your current plans. Why should you? It's his house too - let him take responsibility for the extra guests. Including explaining to them they are welcome to come but they would need to bunk down on the lounge floor, so bring sleeping bags.