Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

That's what I don't understand. Surely this should have been tackled in the discussion or if he walked out of the first brought up again ie. 'Ok let's look at hire we can accommodate then but before we do can you at least confirm with them that they are really coming'. Surely he wouldn't argue that this is unreasonable?

If I start any conversation or ask anything about his parents - even "how are they" - he shuts down and I get very short grunted answers.

In this case we'll be having a discussion about the theme park trip and it will obviously involve a discussion about his parents. I can head calm and rational as you like, but he will pretty much refuse to listen. So all I can do is say what I think and why and let him process that before coming to me if he doesn't, it won't be my fingers getting burnt

Marisco

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Don't cook for them, don't provide anything they should be bringing for themselves, and if they dared query it then tell them that you were just making them feel at home....after all, that's what they do to you when you go to visit them. From the sounds of it, they don't put themselves out at all, so why should you?

To those who are saying "why not hire storage?", why on earth should she? Why should the OP (and DH) have to pay out just so the inlaws can stay?

You want all out war on the weekend then? Won't make for a very nice atmosphere for the birthday will it?

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

So he has gone with your suggestion then and offered they come another time. So he has compromised fully then.

Not really. He's offered it without any mention of it being a better weekend for them to come. So they have no idea about the issues with DD's birthday weekend and will be thinking that's all fine.

Marisco

notanewuser wrote: »

If I start any conversation or ask anything about his parents - even "how are they" - he shuts down and I get very short grunted answers.

In this case we'll be having a discussion about the theme park trip and it will obviously involve a discussion about his parents. I can head calm and rational as you like, but he will pretty much refuse to listen. So all I can do is say what I think and why and let him process that before coming to me if he doesn't, it won't be my fingers getting burnt

Maybe he's going on past experience of your attitude towards them, so he might reckon it's best to say nowt!

Georgiegirl256

Marisco wrote: »

And to the poster who said all the threads from the op ends with people turning on her, I've not seen any other posts from the op, I've not been on this board for ages, so my views are not colored by past history, I only go on what gets posted on a current thread, I very rarely remember "historic" posts anyway.

That's because they usually do get turned around on the OP. I don't remember a lot of threads on here but the OP's (and at least one or two other members) threads usually stick out in my mind. If someone mentioned a particular thread by the OP (I'm not going to mention it!! ) you would probably remember!

I don't let past history colour my views either, and like you I go on what is posted on the current thread. On previous posts by the OP I have totally disagreed with her, but on this one I agree.

notanewuser

Marisco wrote: »

But what's normal? To me making such a fuss over a birthday for a 4 year old isn't "normal" either, weekend away, friends coming from 160 miles away etc. Usually it's jelly and ice cream in the house at that age!! Everyone is different, you can't project your own "ways" on to other people and expect them to just go "oh, ok then"

And to the poster who said all the threads from the op ends with people turning on her, I've not seen any other posts from the op, I've not been on this board for ages, so my views are not colored by past history, I only go on what gets posted on a current thread, I very rarely remember "historic" posts anyway.

I drove a 400 mile round trip 3 weeks ago so that DD could go to the party of one of her friends. That's what good friends do. We've got them together pretty much weekly since they were born. Now that some have moved away that's harder. But they are DD's best friends. Her tribe. And if she wants them there for her birthday then we'll all move heaven and earth to make that happen.

notanewuser

Marisco wrote: »

Maybe he's going on past experience of your attitude towards them, so he might reckon it's best to say nowt!

Can't win then, can I?

Georgiegirl256

Marisco wrote: »

You want all out war on the weekend then? Won't make for a very nice atmosphere for the birthday will it?

No, not at all, and if it was me I probably would end up cooking etc as I'd feel awful having guests and not doing anything for them (as I'm sure the OP would and that's why she gets so stressed about it), however, it's apparent that that is how the inlaws treat their own son and his family when they go to visit them.

Marisco

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That's because they usually do get turned around on the OP. I don't remember a lot of threads on here but the OP's (and at least one or two other members) threads usually stick out in my mind. If someone mentioned a particular thread by the OP (I'm not going to mention it!! ) you would probably remember!

I don't let past history colour my views either, and like you I go on what is posted on the current thread. On previous posts by the OP I have totally disagreed with her, but on this one I agree.

I doubt it, I very rarely come on here, I mainly stick to DT Although I must admit, I do remember one thread, months and months ago, about "the other woman" and one particular poster was really vitriolic on it, the reason I remember was, I saw him pop up on a current thread, and he's still bitter as hell.

Marisco

notanewuser wrote: »

I drove a 400 mile round trip 3 weeks ago so that DD could go to the party of one of her friends. That's what good friends do. We've got them together pretty much weekly since they were born. Now that some have moved away that's harder. But they are DD's best friends. Her tribe. And if she wants them there for her birthday then we'll all move heaven and earth to make that happen.

That'll soon change when she starts school, and makes friends from the kids that live around and in her class, which will make it easier all round.