Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Marisco

notanewuser wrote: »

Can't win then, can I?

On the in laws matter, no I don't think you can. You start being arsey and your oh will start to be resentful, he must pick up on your attitude otherwise he's wouldn't just "grunt" when you bring them up.

notanewuser

Marisco wrote: »

That'll soon change when she starts school, and makes friends from the kids that live around and in her class, which will make it easier all round.

She started on September 2nd.

Why do you assume that everybody is the same? She was at playgroup with some of the children shes now at school with. She's never once asked to see them outside of playgroup/school.

There's no reason she can't have both sets of friends. Yes, it's harder to get them together now, but thankfully my friends and I are prepared to make the effort. They are the closest thing she has to siblings.

notanewuser

Marisco wrote: »

On the in laws matter, no I don't think you can. You start being arsey and your oh will start to be resentful, he must pick up on your attitude otherwise he's wouldn't just "grunt" when you bring them up.

Well of course. It can't possibly be anything to do with him. Must be all me.

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

Not really. He's offered it without any mention of it being a better weekend for them to come. So they have no idea about the issues with DD's birthday weekend and will be thinking that's all fine.

Why isn't that a satisfactory outcome? You want them another time he suggested another time.He compromised. It sounds like what tout want is him to tell them that your wishes are more important then theirs and that's why he is asking they come another time. I expect that's why he shuts down as soon as you bring up the issue of his family because even though you really don't mean to do so you turn any discussion into a me against them and that's what gets to him.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Why isn't that a satisfactory outcome? You want them another time he suggested another time.He compromised. It sounds like what tout want is him to tell them that your wishes are more important then theirs and that's why he is asking they come another time. I expect that's why he shuts down as soon as you bring up the issue of his family because even though you really don't mean to do so you turn any discussion into a me against them and that's what gets to him.

Why shouldn't my wishes be considered? He arranged this with no discussion with me whatsoever, forgetting what we'd already agreed!

I would have said why I thought the bonfire weekend was perhaps a better option, (having been reminded of what had been agreed).

mummyroysof3

You need to find out for sure if they coming that's only fair IMO. Can't plan anything without knowing

notanewuser

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

You need to find out for sure if they coming that's only fair IMO. Can't plan anything without knowing

An unknown concept throughout the family, I'm afraid.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks. There is so much going on in October that I really just wanted to keep it simple. So I arranged, loosely, that we'd get her best friends together for a little tea party and that DH and I would take her somewhere fun for a day trip (stay over etc). All of this was discussed and agreed with DH.

He was working near where they live one day this week, so he went up there for a day and a night, then came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us.

That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

notanewuser wrote: »

Surely the following are acceptable compromises:

They come but stay at a hotel
They come, and DH does everything necessary to facilitate that
They come a different weekend

After all, they've only suggested coming because they're having building work done. It's nothing to do with DD's birthday!!

notanewuser wrote: »

If we didn't visit then we wouldn't see them. They last came down 2 years ago.

We travel up there around 6 times a year, at a cost of a few hundred ££££s every time. I put up with it (it's exhausting) because I want DD to have a relationship with that side of the family. It maddens me that they make no effort whatsoever.

I don't understand why so many people think notanewuser is the one at fault here.:(

There have been threads on here before where one partner just doesn't see the OH's family at all because they don't get on - notanewuser spends time and money making sure that her OH and their daughter gets to spend time with the in-laws.

When his family have come in the past, she's waited on them because that's what they expect.

If there was space in the house this week, she would have dealt with them coming (or not coming, depending on the builder).

As this weekend was planned out, sensible compromises were offered so that they could still come to the birthday if they wanted or come for another event.

Just who is the one in this relationship who needs to learn to compromise (and remember when arrangements have been made and agreed)?

As for telling notanewuser that she shouldn't be having the people to stay who are visiting for the weekend because it's "only a little one's birthday" - how arrogant!

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

Why shouldn't my wishes be considered? He arranged this with no discussion with me whatsoever, forgetting what we'd already agreed!

I would have said why I thought the bonfire weekend was perhaps a better option, (having been reminded of what had been agreed).

Because your first post was about compromising. He doesn't want to undermine his family wishes that's why he didn't mention the above but he has given some leeway by asking them to come another time.

I really respect your frustration as said before I would not have been happy at all if my husband had done what yours did but as things have evolved I would have noted and appreciated that he has made some efforts to compromise to come up with a reasonable solution and certainly wouldn't be holding him on that it wasn't enough.

burnoutbabe

FBaby wrote: »

Why isn't that a satisfactory outcome? You want them another time he suggested another time.He compromised. It sounds like what tout want is him to tell them that your wishes are more important then theirs and that's why he is asking they come another time. I expect that's why he shuts down as soon as you bring up the issue of his family because even though you really don't mean to do so you turn any discussion into a me against them and that's what gets to him.

It sounded like the OH just said "you could also come bonfire weekend, ether is fine, let us know"

So no actual clarity on whether they may come birthday weekend or a later one.