Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

bloolagoon

It doesn't seem it's anything to do with the birthday it's the ongoing issues between you and his family. If you read this thread alone and look at the negative words you use when describing his family and the very positive words you use describing your family and friends you may be surprised at how much negativity you generate.

I'd find it very hard to hear my husband talk negatively constantly about my parents. I also live hundreds of miles away from my parents and stay at hotels/friends when we go as pappy uses my old room to give homeless people a roof but I sleep on the floor when they visit us.

I certainly don't recall that they "use my wrapping paper", "toilet roll" or anything else when they visit.

In short there's more issues than birthday plans which I agree shouldn't be moved and it's DD day not grandparents but......

"We'd move heaven and earth" to ensure friends attend v the way you speak about his family show clearly that you hold resentment of his family, yet put yours on a pedestal. I'm sure this isn't something he can compromise.

Do you ask him every time you invite your parents? Do you honestly treat his parents the same as yours because your posts indicate that you don't.

millysg1

balletshoes wrote: »

If thats how you really feel, you need to step away from this thread, its not going to help.

she is probably just highly emotional from the disagreement she has only recently had with OH. I know I think irrationally when my OH has seriously !!!!ed me off. But a couple of hours of calming down usually help.

Hopefully things can be worked out before such drastic measures.

thorsoak

Notanewuser - I am sad to read this. It looks as if my post 203 might be correct. :-(

notanewuser

balletshoes wrote: »

If thats how you really feel, you need to step away from this thread, its not going to help.

I am furious that he lied to me.

I am heartbroken that he would put his saving face above his daughter.

I am sick of being made out to be some awful person because I expect some consultation over things that directly affect me.

And I am fed up of being so accomodating to people who the rest of the time couldn't give two hoots.

justme111

notanewuser wrote: »

One night? Where did you get that from? It's at least 3 nights, including his daughter's birthday.

And I had to "raise it again" because I need to know what I'm booking and when!!!

Wrong. You have asked , you did not get a reply - you proceed with your plans without hassling people. If you need to book for him as well you ask him :"darling , you going with us there and there on such and such day?" in a sweet voice without mentioning.his parents.
Re quantity of nights - has he actually explicitly said he is going to be there for all of 3 nights or is it her angry imagination ? Even if he did - still don't see much of that wrong with it , if the guy wants to spend 3 nights with.his parents and can mot accommodate them at his than thats an option. Once he does it he will thinktwice next time . What does it have.to do with a party , surely.the party is not going to be extended into night time ?

notanewuser

bloolagoon wrote: »

It doesn't seem it's anything to do with the birthday it's the ongoing issues between you and his family. If you read this thread alone and look at the negative words you use when describing his family and the very positive words you use describing your family and friends you may be surprised at how much negativity you generate.

I'd find it very hard to hear my husband talk negatively constantly about my parents. I also live hundreds of miles away from my parents and stay at hotels/friends when we go as pappy uses my old room to give homeless people a roof but I sleep on the floor when they visit us.

I certainly don't recall that they "use my wrapping paper", "toilet roll" or anything else when they visit.

In short there's more issues than birthday plans which I agree shouldn't be moved and it's DD day not grandparents but......

"We'd move heaven and earth" to ensure friends attend v the way you speak about his family show clearly that you hold resentment of his family, yet put yours on a pedestal. I'm sure this isn't something he can compromise.

Do you ask him every time you invite your parents? Do you honestly treat his parents the same as yours because your posts indicate that you don't.

I don't invite my parents because they live 5 miles down the road. In fact, DH probably sees more of them than I do as he's always arranging to go out with my dad etc. he says he's very lucky to have my mother!

I have relatives that I have nothing to do with, because they never ever showed an interest. Blood isn't always thicker than water.

*max*

justme111 wrote: »

I believe it was a mistake to raise the topic again. If you want someone to take responsibility.for organising something you do not keep nagging them .
It doesn't sound like he would ever take responsibility for it if she didn't ask him to though. What would (will!) happen is nothing would be sorted on the day and he'd make out it's her fault for not arranging anything for their stay.

I am not sure why you so uptight about hum.staying in a hotel with parents for one night , sure it is an option.
I'm sure it's not the fact he said that, it's the implication of it.There is no reason whatsoever he would have to stay in the hotel with them. It sounds like a childish threat more than a reasonable suggestion!

Message too short for some reason

notanewuser

justme111 wrote: »

Wrong. You have asked , you did not get a reply - you proceed with your plans without hassling people. If you need to book for him as well you ask him :"darling , you going with us there and there on such and such day?" in a sweet voice without mentioning.his parents.
Re quantity of nights - has he actually explicitly said he is going to be there for all of 3 nights or is it her angry imagination ? Even if he did - still don't see much of that wrong with it , if the guy wants to spend 3 nights with.his parents and can mot accommodate them at his than thats an option. Once he does it he will thinktwice next time . What does it have.to do with a party , surely.the party is not going to be extended into night time ?

I didn't actually mention his parents. It was all fine while we were just talking about the theme park. He looked it up, saw why I wanted to go for more than 1 day and agreed. Then I said "so we'll find somewhere near there for dinner and let the traffic die down before heading back. DD can sleep in the car."

All good until he realised that that would mean his parents couldn't arrive whenever they wanted to.

That then led to a "where will they sleep" question from me, and then all hell let loose.

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

Notanewuser - I am sad to read this. It looks as if my post 203 might be correct. :-(

I'll be sure to let you know. Wouldn't want you to miss a golden opportunity for some crowing.

bloolagoon

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't invite my parents because they live 5 miles down the road. In fact, DH probably sees more of them than I do as he's always arranging to go out with my dad etc. he says he's very lucky to have my mother!

I have relatives that I have nothing to do with, because they never ever showed an interest. Blood isn't always thicker than water.

He clearly loves his parents, he clearly wants them to have a bond with his daughter. I cry often that my children don't have the same bond as they do with their other grandchild. It literally breaks my heart but they live on the other side of the country, that's life.

My husband and father are polar opposites so if not my father he'd not willing spend time but he knows how important it is to ME, so he would move heaven and earth to ensure he can do anything to create time. The birthday plans are different and yes stand your ground on those but I'd consider if the way you talk regarding people he clearly loves is affecting your relationship because not many would not be affected.