Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

FBaby

As a result I'm not really that inclined to put the effort in. I'm absolutely not doing it when I want a simple weekend where I can enjoy DD'sbirthday without skivvying for 18 hours a day!

Well yes, I can see why you would feel inclined not to do as much on these circumstances. This sounds like it is not new though, so have you ever discussed this unbalance with your OH. What is his stance on it?

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Well yes, I can see why you would feel inclined not to do as much on these circumstances. This sounds like it is not new though, so have you ever discussed this unbalance with your OH. What is his stance on it?

He genuinely doesn't get it. It doesn't matter how gently or positively I raise the subject, he becomes defensive and aggressive and then shuts down completely. (He's never forgiven me for not letting them stay immediately after DD's (extremely traumatic - I still have PTSD) birth, despite them saying FOR MONTHS that they would stay in a hotel. I've never forgiven them for asking.)

He's so desperate for their attention that he'll take any !!!! from them and defend it as being absolutely fine.

FBaby

Ok, it is becoming clearer why you are struggling to reach a compromise. Ultimately, you both have very strong views about each other's attitude towards his family that goes back a long time.

It sounds like his family and yours operate very differently, and whether more people would agree with you that their ways is unacceptable, it still remains that it is his family, ie. the people he loves.

As I suggested previously, when I find myself in this situation where communication goes nowhere further, i usually give up, make the effort (even when I don't think it justified than I should), and hubby makes a point of showing that he noticed and appreciated it. It is usually at this point that communication can be opened again and compromises reached.

That's the only way I know to deal with a deadlock situation when the aim is really to compromise rather than desperately trying to prove to the other that their point of view is wrong.

victory

FBaby wrote: »

That's the only way I know to deal with a deadlock situation when the aim is really to compromise rather than desperately trying to prove to the other that their point of view is wrong.

That really is the crux of it, the way he sees his parents that he loves and the way you see his parents that you do not love will always be completely different, you aiming for your OH to see it your way will always bring out the worst in him and the worst in you because you are both never going to agree.

Your OH suddenly after all these years is not going to have his lighbulb moment as you hope he does and realise that his parents are x, y, z, that you have been right all along and now forever to be on the same page, it will not happen.

Your OH is craving something you cannot give him, parental approval or love, for them to say they are proud of him, that he means the world to him etc etc you know he will not get what he desperately wants or needs and maybe are trying to protect him or open his eyes to the reality or trying to lessen his pain but they are always going to be his parents, his hope, his need for them will not diminish because of what you say.

So compromise? Life would be vastly improved and easier emotionally for you if you left them to it, if none of it bothered you and you let him directly and independently deal with every single parent/son arrangement, etc but that is unlikely to happen so compromise?

thorsoak

To reach a compromise, both parties must be prepared to concede some points. Are you sure that you want to do this?

Mojisola

thorsoak wrote: »

To reach a compromise, both parties must be prepared to concede some points. Are you sure that you want to do this?

The OP has suggested several different options. It's her OH who won't compromise.

From reading earlier stuff, it sounds as if the OP has always given in because her OH won't discuss the problems.

victory

thorsoak wrote: »

To reach a compromise, both parties must be prepared to concede some points. Are you sure that you want to do this?

You see that is what I meant, so much better said than my attempt:D

Also that and if you do compromise are you not going to be eaten up by anger and resentment remembering they did not do this for DD and they did not come then for this and that you are not able as you said to forgive them when they came after the birth of DD etc, are you not going to just be simmering to boiling point?

Compromise is deal with the points, see each other side, agree to disagree, concede some points as thorosak said;) talk not sulk as your OH is doing today, and let things go, as hard as it is, let it go, let things go and move on. Better to have a harmonious marriage than a battlefield over something neither can ever truly win.

meer53

Someone is going to have to make a compromise.

To be fair OP, you sound just as stubborn as he does.

If it were me, i would give in for a quiet life -THIS TIME ONLY - then lay all my cards on the table so that next time you both sing from the same hymn sheet.

Your DD is 4, do whatever you have to do so that she enjoys her birthday, if it means staying at home with both families, then i'm sure she will love it. Little kids aren't really bothered about where they go, it's what they do thats more important.

When my DD was small, i much preferred parties at home, more like an open house type thing. Friends and family called in when they could, it went on all day. Trying to organise a trip away was far more hassle than it was worth.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

So compromise? Life would be vastly improved and easier emotionally for you if you left them to it, if none of it bothered you and you let him directly and independently deal with every single parent/son arrangement, etc but that is unlikely to happen so compromise?

Am I not already compromising by offering an alternate date/suggesting they stay in a hotel/accepting the visit forDD's birthday but on the proviso that I'm not doing the running around?

I need to persuade him to move from his fixed view that his parents will come whenever they want and I can wave my not-so-magic wand and make it perfect. Well no, that really isn't how it works.

notanewuser

meer53 wrote: »

Someone is going to have to make a compromise.

To be fair OP, you sound just as stubborn as he does.

If it were me, i would give in for a quiet life -THIS TIME ONLY - then lay all my cards on the table so that next time you both sing from the same hymn sheet.

Your DD is 4, do whatever you have to do so that she enjoys her birthday, if it means staying at home with both families, then i'm sure she will love it. Little kids aren't really bothered about where they go, it's what they do thats more important.

When my DD was small, i much preferred parties at home, more like an open house type thing. Friends and family called in when they could, it went on all day. Trying to organise a trip away was far more hassle than it was worth.

What we had planned was EXACTLY what would make DD happiest. Quality time with DH and I somewhere really fun, a night in a hotel with a view of animals and then to see her very best friends together (rare now as 3/5 live away) with a pink cake. DD heaven.

What DH would really like is to sit with his brother and dad drinking beer and talking sh1te while someone else does everything else. Any other weekend I could probably live with that, but not the weekend that I just want to be able to relax and enjoy DD enjoying herself. It's my birthday that weekend as well, and although I don't really celebrate it, I don't really want to spend it waiting on ungrateful folk! :rotfl: