Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

Am I not already compromising by offering an alternate date/suggesting they stay in a hotel/accepting the visit forDD's birthday but on the proviso that I'm not doing the running around?

I need to persuade him to move from his fixed view that his parents will come whenever they want and I can wave my not-so-magic wand and make it perfect.
Well no, that really isn't how it works.

yes, you do. So whats the bit you will compromise on? That his parents can come when they/he agree they can, but that you won't be waving any magic wands?
(I could compromise on that, my OH would need to take the lead on where they would stay, how and when they would be fed etc. I could agree to provide and make tea/coffee and biscuits etc, and possibly suggest places we could all go for an outing while they were here. I couldn't agree to do it all, and nowadays my OH wouldn't expect me to (like you, I have my family who are one way, my OH's family who are completely different, but unlike you, both sets of family are very welcoming to both of us and our DD)).

Do you think if your OH had to take the lead on the organising, because this time you won't, that he might realise how much hard work it is, and reconsider the invites so much in the future?

notanewuser

balletshoes wrote: »

yes, you do. So whats the bit you will compromise on? That his parents can come when they/he agree they can, but that you won't be waving any magic wands?
(I could compromise on that, my OH would need to take the lead on where they would stay, how and when they would be fed etc. I could agree to provide and make tea/coffee and biscuits etc, and possibly suggest places we could all go for an outing while they were here. I couldn't agree to do it all, and nowadays my OH wouldn't expect me to (like you, I have my family who are one way, my OH's family who are completely different, but unlike you, both sets of family are very welcoming to both of us and our DD)).

Do you think if your OH had to take the lead on the organising, because this time you won't, that he might realise how much hard work it is, and reconsider the invites so much in the future?

That's the hope.

Mojisola

balletshoes wrote: »

So whats the bit you will compromise on? That his parents can come when they/he agree they can, but that you won't be waving any magic wands?

Isn't suggesting that they come but stay in a hotel exactly that?

BitterAndTwisted

If the bedrooms need to be cleared to accommodate his family visiting then all of your parents' stuff needs to be put into a storage-rental unit. This is what your parents should have done all along, really.

He's invited them so have him arrange it all. You sort the birthday party as planned and do no additional catering etcetera other than what you're willing to do. If he thinks he can get away with making last-minute arrangements without consulting you first then he's not going to change unless he feels the pain. So make him feel it.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

Isn't suggesting that they come but stay in a hotel exactly that?

yes it is, I agree that in this case the OP is suggesting compromises which I would find acceptable, now her OH needs to compromise too.

gettingtheresometime

A downside I can imagine if I started 'entertaining to rule' would be that my OH could take the same attitude with my family as I was taking with his family.

I can imagine the comments such as 'well if we didn't have your family's carp in our bedrooms them coming down wouldn't be a problem' soon flying around.

notanewuser

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If the bedrooms need to be cleared to accommodate his family visiting then all of your parents' stuff needs to be put into a storage-rental unit. This is what your parents should have done all along, really.

So, to clarify, my parents should fork out hundreds on storage fees so that I have 2 bedrooms free at all times just in case DH's family decide to come for a visit with no notice to save them paying for a hotel?!

I actually have space for 4 people in the annex, but having invited others to stay there that weekend weeks ago, it's not available. They can be easily accommodated 3 weekends later.

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

A downside I can imagine if I started 'entertaining to rule' would be that my OH could take the same attitude with my family as I was taking with his family.

I can imagine the comments such as 'well if we didn't have your family's carp in our bedrooms them coming down wouldn't be a problem' soon flying around.

DH knows well which side his bread is buttered. He's closer to my parents than I am!

BitterAndTwisted

notanewuser wrote: »

So, to clarify, my parents should fork out hundreds on storage fees so that I have 2 bedrooms free at all times just in case DH's family decide to come for a visit with no notice to save them paying for a hotel?!

No, not "should" but "could have".

How irksome and expensive would hiring a storage-space be for a week or so? There would be no need to have the stuff stored for the foreseeable, just to get it out of there for the weekend in question.

You could get bloody Pickfords in to pack it and take it there. And bring it back if necessary. He can pay for it if your folks won't. Maybe think laterally rather than just planning on having a row or being awkward for the sake of it.

FBaby

I actually have space for 4 people in the annex, but having invited others to stay there that weekend weeks ago, it's not available. They can be easily accommodated 3 weekends later

I'm confused, are you saying that other people will be staying that week-end at your place because you invited them? Who are they? So weeks ago, it was agreed that these people would come over and stay despite it being harder work but didn't discuss that maybe his family would want to come down too? Was these people staying over actually discussed? I can imagine your OH saying yes not thinking, but I can understand now the issue around expecting them to stay at a hotel whilst 'other people' get to stay and be looked after at your house.