Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

thorsoak wrote: »

Trouble is, you are trying to put two families who operate in diametrically opposed methods into the same mould - it won't work!

You and your OH are going to have to work out some sort of compromise to deal with these situations as they arise in future, but this time I would advise that you take the initiative and make contact with the outlaws (sorry - inlaws). Phone them, tell them that OH has been a numpty and mixed up dates completely and it is just not going to be convenient for this weekend and suggest November.

It will get OH off the hook this time - but you do have to sort it out for the future.

Which was the point of this thread. Finding a way of compromising.

I also need at least tacit agreement from DH To offer a different weekend.

Savvy_Sue

thorsoak wrote: »

You and your OH are going to have to work out some sort of compromise to deal with these situations as they arise in future, but this time I would advise that you take the initiative and make contact with the outlaws (sorry - inlaws). Phone them, tell them that OH has been a numpty and mixed up dates completely and it is just not going to be convenient for this weekend and suggest November.

It will get OH off the hook this time - but you do have to sort it out for the future.

I wondered if it would be possible for you to contact them rather than OH, and explain that staying at yours is not an option on this occasion, so would they like details of the local travelodge? I'd have suggested that you should offer to book it, but by the sound of it you'd end up paying for it if they cancel (or even if they don't.)

notanewuser

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I wondered if it would be possible for you to contact them rather than OH, and explain that staying at yours is not an option on this occasion, so would they like details of the local travelodge? I'd have suggested that you should offer to book it, but by the sound of it you'd end up paying for it if they cancel (or even if they don't.)

I feel that has to be his decision. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure that he is aware that if he insists on the coming that weekend he will be doing everything required preparing for and during their stay. If he isn't prepared to accept my very reasonable alternative then he will have to take absolute responsibility for it.

Otherwise it's me, wicked witch of the west, denying them the chance to see him and DD. (He'll conveniently forget that they're only a "maybe".)

FBaby

Trouble is, you are trying to put two families who operate in diametrically opposed methods into the same mould - it won't work!

Totally agree with this. I am wondering if subconsciously, you are giving the idea to your OH that your family is so much more helpful and easy than his.

My parents are divorced and both live miles away so they only come to stay with us a couple of times a year. I dread them coming every time because I find it really hard work, compared to receiving my OH's family who live two streets from us and we see every week. Even being hard work, it is hard work in a different way. I feel much more pressure to occupy my father and wife and spend every minute with them, whereas I feel more comfortable leaving my mum for a few minutes to entertain herself. However, I feel I can be totally myself with my dad and his wife, whereas I feel more much pressured to be the perfect daughter with my mum.

In the end, it is just the way things are and doesn't mean that one set of family deserves less of my attention just because giving it to them is harder work than it is to the others. Adult parents can be hard work, but then so were we once upon a time!

notanewuser

So he spoke to his mother before I even had a chance to speak to him this morning. He's turned into a sulky teenager so I've had to ask him what was said. He's suggested the November date as an alternative without giving any of the issues with the birthday weekend. I suspect they now think either date is fine. :mad: Apparently "they'll let us know".

He's very shirty with me about the whole thing so all hopes for a reasonable discussion are now out of the the window. :undecided

aggypanthus

I am dismayed at so many responses saying with regard to the DH parents, that they are HIS PARENTS so He should sort it.
We never held this view, both our parents were/are very much both our responsibility.

Regards hotels..its an expense they probably cant afford, will OP pay their hotel?
The fact that they want to come cos of builders shows they want to avoid hotel costs, otherwise they could stay a few days in a hotel nr home.

aggypanthus

notanewuser wrote: »

So he spoke to his mother before I even had a chance to speak to him this morning. He's turned into a sulky teenager so I've had to ask him what was said. He's suggested the November date as an alternative without giving any of the issues with the birthday weekend. I suspect they now think either date is fine. :mad: Apparently "they'll let us know".

He's very shirty with me about the whole thing so all hopes for a reasonable discussion are now out of the the window. :undecided

SHIRTY cos he is annoyed that your view is correct, and he cant admit or handle that!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree with this. I am wondering if subconsciously, you are giving the idea to your OH that your family is so much more helpful and easy than his.

My parents are divorced and both live miles away so they only come to stay with us a couple of times a year. I dread them coming every time because I find it really hard work, compared to receiving my OH's family who live two streets from us and we see every week. Even being hard work, it is hard work in a different way. I feel much more pressure to occupy my father and wife and spend every minute with them, whereas I feel more comfortable leaving my mum for a few minutes to entertain herself. However, I feel I can be totally myself with my dad and his wife, whereas I feel more much pressured to be the perfect daughter with my mum.

In the end, it is just the way things are and doesn't mean that one set of family deserves less of my attention just because giving it to them is harder work than it is to the others. Adult parents can be hard work, but then so were we once upon a time!

I think it's more than that. My libran need for balance just can't settle when the situation is so one-sided.

Eg:

They come to visit and expect our attention the whole time. We go to visit and they continue doing whatever they want, and even book to go away;
We stay in a hotel because they have had no time in the past 12 years to clear their spare rooms;
Very little visible interest in DD: we only hear from them when they want something;
They expect 3 meals a day to be put in front of the at our expense: when we're up there I invariably end up shopping for basic food, loo rolls etc and usually cook at least 1 meal (which I've had to buy).

As a result I'm not really that inclined to put the effort in. I'm absolutely not doing it when I want a simple weekend where I can enjoy DD'sbirthday without skivvying for 18 hours a day!

notanewuser

aggypanthus wrote: »

I am dismayed at so many responses saying with regard to the DH parents, that they are HIS PARENTS so He should sort it.
We never held this view, both our parents were/are very much both our responsibility.

Regards hotels..its an expense they probably cant afford, will OP pay their hotel?
The fact that they want to come cos of builders shows they want to avoid hotel costs, otherwise they could stay a few days in a hotel nr home.

They could sleep on the floor at 2 of their other sons' houses. They're not badly off by any means, but why pay for a hotel when they can be waited on hand and foot for free at ours? Never mind that that's never an option for us!!!

aggypanthus

notanewuser wrote: »

They could sleep on the floor at 2 of their other sons' houses. They're not badly off by any means, but why pay for a hotel when they can be waited on hand and foot for free at ours? Never mind that that's never an option for us!!!

Good point.


At a family wedding, I met a retired couple on the other families side who were pleased with their chosen hotel which was in fact hostel type! They told me they had Never! Stayed or holidayed in a hotel, had always gone to relatives.
The man had been a consultant, and she had a good job also, they were just skinflint
and SO boring lol