Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

gettingtheresometime

so to summarise the problem:

OH has invited his family down on a weekend where there is no room at the freebie inn, partly because of 2 rooms being used as storage, and it would interfere with plans already made.

A solution would be for family to stay at a paid hotel but this would still interfere with other plans.

Another solution would be for the family to come to freebie in 3 weeks later.

Added to which its not cast in stone that said family will be coming down anyway.

Tbh there is no compromise. This is a situation where one of you won't get your own way and has to back down.

So faced with this, and the fact that his family is so unreliable, my response would be that the plans will be changed this once and if (as you suspect) there's a no show then never again will you change your plans to accommodate them.

And when the next time comes, I would say that I told you after DD's birthday plans were mucked about I would never change plans for them again and I'm sticking to it.

FBaby

The OP has suggested several different options. It's her OH who won't compromise.

The problem with compromsing is that just like you reach a deadlock on an agreeing on a decision, you can reach a deadlock on agreeing what is a fair compromise. What might seem like an option half way but not be at all from the other perspective.

ie. the suggestion of the hotel might seem like a fair half-way compromise to OP, but if the issue for OP is that he wants his family to feel that they are welcome like OP's family, but then OP's family get to stay at their house during that time whilst they have to go to a hotel, it is not going to reach the outcome he is looking for.

I think the best compromise in this situation, for the future, will be to agree to invite his parents, treat them as they expect, put all the efforts into it BUT.....do so only once or twice a year with some prior warning.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

I'm confused, are you saying that other people will be staying that week-end at your place because you invited them? Who are they? So weeks ago, it was agreed that these people would come over and stay despite it being harder work but didn't discuss that maybe his family would want to come down too? Was these people staying over actually discussed? I can imagine your OH saying yes not thinking, but I can understand now the issue around expecting them to stay at a hotel whilst 'other people' get to stay and be looked after at your house.

3 of DD's best friends now live 160+ miles away. When we agreed to have a get together for them all (4? weeks ago?) we offered one set of friends the annex so that they wouldn't be spending 6+ hours travelling in one day. They would come for the party (1 adult, 1child) stay overnight and leave early the next morning. (The others have relatives here they can stay with.). They stay fairly often, and are no trouble at all. Very different to 3 adults and 2 children coming Friday to Monday.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

The problem with compromsing is that just like you reach a deadlock on an agreeing on a decision, you can reach a deadlock on agreeing what is a fair compromise. What might seem like an option half way but not be at all from the other perspective.

ie. the suggestion of the hotel might seem like a fair half-way compromise to OP, but if the issue for OP is that he wants his family to feel that they are welcome like OP's family, but then OP's family get to stay at their house during that time whilst they have to go to a hotel, it is not going to reach the outcome he is looking for.

I think the best compromise in this situation, for the future, will be to agree to invite his parents, treat them as they expect, put all the efforts into it BUT.....do so only once or twice a year with some prior warning.

??? My family never stay with us. They don't even stay with my parents. They book hotels because they don't want to put anyone out!

gettingtheresometime

I'm suspecting that a big part of the problem is the OP's attitude (rightly or wrongly) towards OH's family.

Is one thing to know your family is a pita but its quite another thing to have someone else (however much you love them) complain and call them a pita.

Nicki

Things don't have to be perfect for visiting family and they don't have to be waited on hand and foot. The OP's husband is probably exasperated at the fuss being made over this.

The two bedrooms don't need to be cleared to hotel room standard surely. Provided the bed is clear and there is room to walk round the end to get in, if the rooms otherwise have stacked boxes of stuff in it, so what?

The OP doesn't have to cook 3 meals a day for the Inlaws. The husband can do breakfast for everyone, they are having a tea party with the child for the second which is already arranged and the third meal can be a take away ordered in. What is happening to the other 4 guests staying that weekend though? Was OP planning to cook for them? And I am confused that she says they might have been going away that weekend with guests prearranged to come anyway?

The day trip can be booked for a different weekend, the tea party can go ahead as planned. Neither party is getting exactly what they want but that is what a genuine compromise means.

notanewuser

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

No, not "should" but "could have".

How irksome and expensive would hiring a storage-space be for a week or so? There would be no need to have the stuff stored for the foreseeable, just to get it out of there for the weekend in question.

You could get bloody Pickfords in to pack it and take it there. And bring it back if necessary. He can pay for it if your folks won't. Maybe think laterally rather than just planning on having a row or being awkward for the sake of it.

About 6 times more than putting his family - who might not even come - in a local hotel.

FBaby

They stay fairly often, and are no trouble at all. Very different to 3 adults and 2 children coming Friday to Monday.

I can totally see it from your perspective, I too would much prefer to have a good friend that I get along great with staying over, then demanding unappreciating in-laws, but that doesn't take away the fact that it comes across as if your OH finds it acceptable that a friend of his wife is more important to please than his family. We go back to his perspective in terms of what message HE is giving to his family and that due to issues between him and them, he is being very tense about the whole situation.

Totally agree with GTS, I think that if you are here asking about ideas to compromise, it is because there are none that would be acceptable for either of you, so compromising needs to become 'I do it for you this time, you do it for me next'.

notanewuser

Nicki wrote: »

Things don't have to be perfect for visiting family and they don't have to be waited on hand and foot. The OP's husband is probably exasperated at the fuss being made over this.

The two bedrooms don't need to be cleared to hotel room standard surely. Provided the bed is clear and there is room to walk round the end to get in, if the rooms otherwise have stacked boxes of stuff in it, so what?

The OP doesn't have to cook 3 meals a day for the Inlaws. The husband can do breakfast for everyone, they are having a tea party with the child for the second which is already arranged and the third meal can be a take away ordered in. What is happening to the other 4 guests staying that weekend though? Was OP planning to cook for them? And I am confused that she says they might have been going away that weekend with guests prearranged to come anyway? Or are these paying guests rather than friends booking a self catering holiday?

The day trip can be booked for a different weekend, the tea party can go ahead as planned. Neither party is getting exactly what they want but that is what a genuine compromise means.

I have said somewhere that it's a Thurs/Fri trip, not a weekend.

His family would be coming Friday to Monday. That means no trip. We can't do that trip afterwards, so it's then it never.

5 extra people, x 4 days. That's more than 3 meals. I don't want that many takeaways!

It's not boxes in the rooms, it's furniture. The beds are on their sides and can't be put flat again without removing everything else. Of course, that's not a problem when nobody ever wants to stay in them! We've decided to turn one into a permanent playroom once mum and dad's stuff is gone. Even DH can see how ridiculous it is having 4 double bedrooms unused 99% of the time. When we bought the house we thought they would be fairly regular visitors, but most of the time they can't be @rsed.

notanewuser

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I'm suspecting that a big part of the problem is the OP's attitude (rightly or wrongly) towards OH's family.

Is one thing to know your family is a pita but its quite another thing to have someone else (however much you love them) complain and call them a pita.

I haven't done that.