Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't think I do actually. Just because I tend to only post the more difficult/negative things on here doesn't mean they're not true! They are hideously disorganised and have proven time and time again that we're very much "out of sight, out of mind". I organised a week away for the whole family a couple of years back for MIL's significant birthday. All of us in one house (including the dog). We travelled up there the weekend afterwards and I made her birthday cake. So it's not that I'm not prepared to make the effort.

I believe their expectations are unreasonable, but that's not the actual issue. The issue is DH arranging major things like this, which disrupt existing plans, with no mention to me whatsoever. He does also completely miss the amount of work required when they are here.

(It's my birthday that weekend too. Whilst I don't really celebrate it, I'd rather not be completely exhausted from skivvying after them!!!)

He's definitely feeling guilty and like many men, he reacted when his inadequacies were pointed at him (in this case, his family must have said something to him when he visited). He probably is transferring a bit of the guilt on to you (because you are not doing enough any longer to make them feel welcome) and so he thinks should be making the same efforts as he is.

It's an issue of timing, ie. if he does feel that he doesn't do enough for his family, he should do something about it in planned rather than reactive way.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

It's an issue of timing, ie. if he does feel that he doesn't do enough for his family, he should do something about it in planned rather than reactive way.

Isn't it the other way round - that his family don't usually care about him so that when they show a glimmer of interest, he falls over himself to accommodate them?

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

These are two things that I would get upset about - we always check with each other before committing to new plans - it's just not fair on the other person.

Re the amount of work - he won't ever understand unless you let him (make him?) do it all one time.

I agree with this.

meer53

OP, tell your OH it's fine for his parents to come but they will have to sort out where they stay as you have no room. Unless he wants to clear the bedrooms.

If they turn up, tell them you have plans for your DD's party which you can't change and that they're welcome to come if they like.

If it's all a bit last minute, don't stress about feeding them, get a takeaway or take them to the local carvery type place.

You're stressing far too much about other people, just stick to your plans, everyone else can fall inline with them. I'm sure your DD will love seeing her grandparents on her birthday, just stop stressing and go with the flow.

notanewuser

meer53 wrote: »

OP, tell your OH it's fine for his parents to come but they will have to sort out where they stay as you have no room. Unless he wants to clear the bedrooms.

If they turn up, tell them you have plans for your DD's party which you can't change and that they're welcome to come if they like.

If it's all a bit last minute, don't stress about feeding them, get a takeaway or take them to the local carvery type place.

You're stressing far too much about other people, just stick to your plans, everyone else can fall inline with them. I'm sure your DD will love seeing her grandparents on her birthday, just stop stressing and go with the flow.

I'd refer you to post 59.

And what about our trip?? Are you advocating cancelling it on the offchance that they will turn up?

notanewuser

Re the trip. Plan is/was to go on the Thursday, and stay over, coming back well after Friday rush hour. We'd be home around midnight. Not much good if they decide to travel down during the day. And it needs booking in advance, so if they don't know whether or not they're coming, what would you do?

millysg1

Go and tell them you wont be back till midnight! simple!

notanewuser

millysg1 wrote: »

Go and tell them you wont be back till midnight! simple!

That requires DH to agree, inform clients etc. which I don't think he will when getting his parents etc here is now the primary focus. :undecided

millysg1

notanewuser wrote: »

That requires DH to agree, inform clients etc. which I don't think he will when getting his parents etc here is now the primary focus. :undecided

Go just the two of you then. Though its not the family get away you would like, hoprfullu DIL wont be able to make it in the end and DH will be able to join you last minute.

I personally wouldnt be changing any of plans just because they MIGHT come. They should fit their plans around your existing ones.

notanewuser

millysg1 wrote: »

Go just the two of you then. Though its not the family get away you would like, hoprfullu DIL wont be able to make it in the end and DH will be able to join you last minute.

I personally wouldnt be changing any of plans just because they MIGHT come. They should fit their plans around your existing ones.

He won't be able to come last minute - he need to give clients notice etc. But that's a useful point for me to make. That he'll potentially miss out on a lovely family time just in case they decide to come!