Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

If that is the case, then it would explain why he is not prepared to compromise any longer because he does feel that OP treats his family unfairly.

I don't think I do actually. Just because I tend to only post the more difficult/negative things on here doesn't mean they're not true! They are hideously disorganised and have proven time and time again that we're very much "out of sight, out of mind". I organised a week away for the whole family a couple of years back for MIL's significant birthday. All of us in one house (including the dog). We travelled up there the weekend afterwards and I made her birthday cake. So it's not that I'm not prepared to make the effort.

I believe their expectations are unreasonable, but that's not the actual issue. The issue is DH arranging major things like this, which disrupt existing plans, with no mention to me whatsoever. He does also completely miss the amount of work required when they are here.

(It's my birthday that weekend too. Whilst I don't really celebrate it, I'd rather not be completely exhausted from skivvying after them!!!)

notanewuser

justme111 wrote: »

I see. Could it be that the roles in your family are such that his only task is to earn money and yours to organise and sort everything else which results in him sorting guests being unheard of ?

Not completely, no! But a career in hotels means most of the hospitality is down to me.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

Not completely, no! But a career in hotels means most of the hospitality is down to me.

that doesn't need to be the case in your own house though, does it?

notanewuser

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Re the last paragraph. I'd be telling your DH that if he wants his family to come down on that particular weekend then he will have to sort the bedrooms out. He has to take some responsibility, he can't expect you to gave to sort everything out.

He mentioned last night that there are 3 things on this coming week that he was wants to go to. All evening activities. and then looked at me in complete surprise when I asked whether that would allow him time to sort those rooms out.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

He mentioned last night that there are 3 things on this coming week that he was wants to go to. All evening activities. and then looked at me in complete surprise when I asked whether that would allow him time to sort those rooms out.

did he not add anything else? just a look of surprise and no words about it?

notanewuser

balletshoes wrote: »

did he not add anything else? just a look of surprise and no words about it?

I was just taking DD up to bed so it was a few words as I was passing type of thing. He'd gone out by the time I came back down, and by the time he came back I was already in bed.

notanewuser

balletshoes wrote: »

that doesn't need to be the case in your own house though, does it?

You'd think not, wouldn't you?!

theoretica

notanewuser wrote: »

And I'm more than happy for them to come at a convenient time! My own parents and sister, who so make an effort every week, aren't invited to the tea party. It was literally going to be getting DD and her little gang together for some sandwiches and cake, and for them to play together. Perhaps at the house, perhaps at a local attraction. With her friends they're all the same age, they get on, it's easy. We could decide on the location the day before. Decide on a location now - I am sure your inlaws are capable of coming along to the play park to watch kids run around - or go to a cafe and meet you afterwards. What do they expect coming to a child's party?

If there are 5 more people to consider, who will take longer to get ready etc as I don't have unlimited bathrooms etc, who will need feeding 3 times that day it's going to be more work. Well yes, but cereal for the morning and pizza or a shove it in the oven casserole for the evening shouldn't be that much more work if you don't let it grow on you.

Plus I'll have to invite my parents and sister and her partner too.
Do you really? Wouldn't they understand if you gave them a call and said I don't want you to feel left out but OH's parents have invited themselves, most inconvenient time, you won't feel left out will you, how about a nice get together in November?
So a gathering of 6 children and 8 adults it becomes 7 children (1 of whom the others don't know), 1 baby and 15 adults. That's quite a different dynamic, and if it's wet they'll all be in our house!!

Where would you clear the bedrooms out to? Should I point out here that when we go up there there is no room to stay with any of DH's family (PIL's spare rooms are full of their children's childhood stuff!) so we stay in a hotel every time?

I think perhaps your background in hospitality is making you too hospitable! I can see that an overnight trip would be hard when they come to stay, but think you could stick to your plans about everything else. And agree, clearing out the bedrooms is OH's problem!

notanewuser

theoretica wrote: »

I think perhaps your background in hospitality is making you too hospitable! I can see that an overnight trip would be hard when they come to stay, but think you could stick to your plans about everything else. And agree, clearing out the bedrooms is OH's problem!

I'm loathed to nail down a location now when its 50/50 whether they'll come anyway!! It's not a play park, it's a local attraction a bit like gardens which are mostly outdoor. The kids love running around there, but there's very little shelter. Hence not deciding till the day before as it will depend on the weather. We'd rather go there, but if it pours down (we're in Wales after all!) then we'd just have it here instead. (Bearing in mind that last time they came they brought no nappies for either of their children and instead used all but one of mine without saying anything, I can't imagine they'd come prepared for another thing and would expect me to find waterproofs etc for their kids as well.)

The merlin passes expire a week later, hence wanting to use them one last time. We won't be able to if they come to stay, so DD won't get a day trip at all.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

The issue is DH arranging major things like this, which disrupt existing plans, with no mention to me whatsoever.

He does also completely miss the amount of work required when they are here.

These are two things that I would get upset about - we always check with each other before committing to new plans - it's just not fair on the other person.

Re the amount of work - he won't ever understand unless you let him (make him?) do it all one time.