Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us. That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

I suggested that they stay in the hotel down the road.

As an added complication, 2 of our bedrooms are upside down at the moment.

You've suggested a very good compromise. He can "go mad" at the idea but, if you don't get the bedrooms sorted out, will he do it or will there just be nowhere for them to stay when they arrive?

You're not happy at the idea of staying away yourself but how much pleasure are you and your daughter going to get out of the day if you're waiting hand and foot on five people you're resenting?

You could give him the two options - either they stay in the hotel or you and your daughter will.

meritaten

of course you can have a girly weekend with a four year old! but, if she is looking forward to having her party - then it isn't fair to deprive her of that.
go with Plan A - OH has arranged for his family to come down - fine - he takes care of the extra work involved. HE sorts out accommodation for them. after all it's HIS family!

notanewuser

Quite like this idea. 16+ years working in hotels has made me a bit too accommodating, I think!m
Can't help but think that DD would much prefer the Chessington hotel with a view of zebra and giraffes to the Premier Inn on the motorway junction.

And that's basically what it comes down to!!!

Nicki

If you have dumped crap in your spare rooms either spend the next two weeks putting the stuff away where it belongs yourself or let your husband shift it all into the garage/car/your bedroom the night before the family arrive. If it's stuff that needs sorting it surely makes no difference to you whether you sort it from your garage or from a spare bedroom when you finally get round to putting it away.

If your kid will enjoy the tea party with added family members there then it doesn't matter whether the dynamics have changed or not. It's her birthday and her day not yours. You can set your own boundaries as to how hospitable you are and it's up to you whether you wait on them hand or foot or order a take away or go out for a meal on the evening they stay.

Seems like you also aren't prepared to compromise on this. He wants them to come, you don't. The compromise is not that they don't come (which is you winning), but that they do come but you don't have to do more work or preparation for the visit than you are prepared to do (or your Oh expects you to do).

My DS's birthday party is tomorrow by the way and my DH's relatives told us they were coming for the weekend an hour ago, which is absolutely fine. Two weeks notice would be a luxury!

Brighton_belle

The fact your DH because instantly unreasonable and entrenched over this does seem to be a sign over how damaged he is by his family. His inner child is sighing with relief that at last they are paying him some attention, even though you can see it isn't a reliable attention or one worth having because it will revert to disinterest pretty quickly again.
But he can't think with his adult brain - his unmet needs are too primal.
I don't think you are going to be able to get him to change his mind because he is not able to think in adult mode over this.
Is there anyway you can discuss with him, calmly, what needs to be done to accommodate visitors and how the practicalities can be achieved with minimal stress to yourself - can you hire someone to clear the rooms/house etc?

notanewuser

Let me correct a few assumptions, if I may.

Nicki wrote: »

If you have dumped crap in your spare rooms either spend the next two weeks putting the stuff away where it belongs yourself or let your husband shift it all into the garage/car/your bedroom the night before the family arrive. If it's stuff that needs sorting it surely makes no difference to you whether you sort it from your garage or from a spare bedroom when you finally get round to putting it away.

I didn't say we'd dumped any crap in the rooms. My parents are renovating a house. Huge job, over run by 3 months so far. We have all of their furniture in our garage, and most of their clothing etc in the bedrooms. There is no room anywhere else for the stuff. We'll have friends staying overnight in the annex (already arranged) so we can't put stuff out there.

Nicki wrote: »

If your kid will enjoy the tea party with added family members there then it doesn't matter whether the dynamics have changed or not. It's her birthday and her day not yours. You can set your own boundaries as to how hospitable you are and it's up to you whether you wait on them hand or foot or order a take away or go out for a meal on the evening they stay.

"My kid" really wouldn't.

Nicki wrote: »

Seems like you also aren't prepared to compromise on this. He wants them to come, you don't. The compromise is not that they don't come (which is you winning), but that they do come but you don't have to do more work or preparation for the visit than you are prepared to do (or your Oh expects you to do).

You're right. I am not actually interested in "winning", hence asking about ways to get to a compromise. My calendar is pretty full between now and then. If he can find time to sort things out and cater to their every whim then he's welcome to.

piglet25

Tell your OH to grow a pair and say no. It will have to happen one time so it might as well be now.

Brighton_belle

piglet25 wrote: »

Tell your OH to grow a pair and say no. It will have to happen one time so it might as well be now.

But it's not fear that stops him saying no: he doesn't want to say no: he's longing to have them as a sign they do actually care.

belfastgirl23

I think you need to take the sting out of it. Agree that it's a lovely idea (it is, grandparents having a birthday with their grandchild). And just add that you won't have time to do any arranging since you have college work etc to do. And then just let it sit. Don't do anything. Don't clean, arrange etc. At some point he will ask you where they are staying. Play it cool, say you have no idea, you're happy to let him handle it. If he prevaricates, then I'd just say that you suggested a hotel, he wasn't happy about that (I would add, fair enough) so you're happy to let him come up with an alternative.

The thing about this is that it's a sort of war of nerves. He will probably think you will back off when it gets close to the date rather than risk the humiliation of them arriving to a house that's in disarray. You have to find it in yourself to stick this out. Even if it means they sleep on the sofa or the floor or whatever.

Unfortunately sometimes you have to just not take the issue on and let it play out. Some people only learn by living with the consequences. So you need to grit your teeth and let him do so. Even if it means that he loses a day of pay.

By the way don't get cross if you can help it. You automatically lose the argument if you do. Just keep stressing that you're happy for them to visit, you have no problems with them arriving with the place in disarray and sleeping wherever they can find a space. If he feels otherwise then he can do something about it.

It will be uncomfortable and you will need to brace yourself. But it's worth it down the line. I suspect he won't suggest it again.

Good luck!

JIL

If you ask his relatives to stay in a hotel because your spare rooms are out of action due to your families belongings being stored in them, does that not open the doors for a your family v his family argument?
You should go ahead with the tea party. But you need to decide if you are prepared to increase the numbers to include your husbands family. If not then its if you are prepared to have that discussion with your husband.
Is it worth all the upset. Can you get your husband to phone the relatives to say they can come and stay but that the bedrooms are out of action so they will need to sleep on camp beds. Are they the kind of people who will then decide not to come or book a hotel?
I am a believer in choosing my battles. To do this I always consider the end consequences.
Good luck.