Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

JIL wrote: »

If you ask his relatives to stay in a hotel because your spare rooms are out of action due to your families belongings being stored in them, does that not open the doors for a your family v his family argument?
You should go ahead with the tea party. But you need to decide if you are prepared to increase the numbers to include your husbands family. If not then its if you are prepared to have that discussion with your husband.
Is it worth all the upset. Can you get your husband to phone the relatives to say they can come and stay but that the bedrooms are out of action so they will need to sleep on camp beds. Are they the kind of people who will then decide not to come or book a hotel?
I am a believer in choosing my battles. To do this I always consider the end consequences.
Good luck.

Not really. My parents live about 5 miles away and see DD twice a week. They've done a lot for us so turn so that isn't a big ask. DH is very comfortable with them. DH's family are about 280 miles away and make no effort whatsoever. We actually invited them down in the summer, and they said yes, then didn't turn up.

We don't have any camp beds. If they do end up coming they'll have to bring sleeping bags and sleep on the living room floor. (I think I said earlier that they don't even know whether they're coning yet.)

mgdavid

notanewuser wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

a) He's a consultant on a day rate. It would cost us a fortune.
b) He'd have to ask me where every single thing should go.

why are you making excuses for him?
can't he do it between 6pm and midnight, same as everybody else would?

seven-day-weekend

piglet25 wrote: »

Tell your OH to grow a pair and say no. It will have to happen one time so it might as well be now.

I don't see why he should say no actually. They ARE his family. It IS something they have to compromise on. Maybe if she welcomes them with a smile on her face and he clears out the bedrooms - the child will have more people at her party -win win.

Spendless

notanewuser wrote: »

That obvious, huh?!

Okay, the short version. It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks. There is so much going on in October that I really just wanted to keep it simple. So I arranged, loosely, that we'd get her best friends together for a little tea party and that DH and I would take her somewhere fun for a day trip (stay over etc). All of this was discussed and agreed with DH.

He was working near where they live one day this week, so he went up there for a day and a night, then came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us. That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

I suggested that they stay in the hotel down the road. Nope. I suggested that we get October out of the way and invite them down for bonfire night instead. He went mad.

As an added complication, 2 of our bedrooms are upside down at the moment. I start the second year of a degree next week and could really do without getting behind straight away because I'm clearing bedrooms for people that may or may not come.

Grrrrrrr.

I think you stick to your guns on the day trip and overnight stay, which seems to have been missed by a lot of commenters. It was already agreed by your OH. I'm not sure if you were doing this on her birthday itself as I'm not sure how the tea party fitted in logistically. You can then compromise by giving a little over ILs attending tea party, so long as it fits in with your plans about being away.

FBaby

This is not about that week-end, it's about the balance between your family and his. He feels guilty. Guilty because he is probably made - rightly or wrongly- guilty for not making efforts too.

He probably went there, felt like crap about being a bad son and therefore agreed for them to come to make him feel better, which it did, so he is cross with you that you are ruining his opportunity to release his guilt towards his family.

He might have a point? Ie, indeed, his family is losing out? If that is the case, it might be worth taking it upon yourself to make an effort for his family this once. It is not ideal, it will be a pain, but sometimes we've got to make that effort for family.

If I were in your shoes, i would have reached the above conclusion. As such, I would wait for the right time to speak to OH, tell him that I appreciate that his family doesn't get to see us and LO very often and I can understand they would love to come if they can and of course, in that case, it is about them staying over yours so they can feel welcome. HOWEVER, he has to appreciate that this involves a change of plan and a lot of work, and therefore you will need him to pull his socks and make it work.

I bet you if you go along with it, he will feel so in love with you afterwards that he will be prepared to do anything to make you happy to. That's when I would say with a smile that maybe, instead of a week-end away in Chessington, you could extend it to Disney Paris if it can be afforded (ie, he can treat his two special ladies!).

At at some stage, when he tells you how well it went and how you should have them over more often, you make sure you tell him that indeed it was nice to have the family over, but that in the future, it would make things much easier if he discussed it with you first so you can make sure they come at a time that is not so stressful and doesn't impact on plans already made.

jetplane

Person_one wrote: »

Do you actually want suggestions, or will there be a reason why every one of them won't work, as in previous threads?

If you just want to have a rant, that's fine, understandable, but let us know so we don't waste our time trying to offer help!

so agree this is dejavu.

Everything about the OP's in-laws causes major dilemma, problems, spoils plans or is inconvenient, be it a birthday, holiday, wedding, funeral or cup of tea. And every single suggestion from every other poster is rebuffed with a reason why it cant be, shouldn't be or won't be a solution. OP and his family are always in the wrong. Must be exhausting for everyone.

FBaby

Everything about the OP's in-laws causes major dilemma, problems, spoils plans or is inconvenient, be it a birthday, holiday, wedding, funeral or cup of tea.

If that is the case, then it would explain why he is not prepared to compromise any longer because he does feel that OP treats his family unfairly.

HPoirot

mgdavid wrote: »

why are you making excuses for him?
can't he do it between 6pm and midnight, same as everybody else would?

This.

He is getting away with imposing on you because you are the "housekeeper" and it won't change. He throws a tantrum if you suggest otherwise, but I bet he would think twice before inviting people to stay if he had to look after them? I would tackle this head on once and all, it may bring WW3 about but looks like he needs to man up too.

It is all very well him walking wounded with regards to his family if he wants to, but he does not need to dump his insecurities on you and your daughter by making your life harder so he can look good. If you don't get this across to your OH, you will find yourself in this situation time and again. These people don't even seem over keen to come anyway - it will all depend if a builder is otherwise busy apparently!

millysg1

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think you need to take the sting out of it. Agree that it's a lovely idea (it is, grandparents having a birthday with their grandchild). And just add that you won't have time to do any arranging since you have college work etc to do. And then just let it sit. Don't do anything. Don't clean, arrange etc. At some point he will ask you where they are staying. Play it cool, say you have no idea, you're happy to let him handle it. If he prevaricates, then I'd just say that you suggested a hotel, he wasn't happy about that (I would add, fair enough) so you're happy to let him come up with an alternative.

The thing about this is that it's a sort of war of nerves. He will probably think you will back off when it gets close to the date rather than risk the humiliation of them arriving to a house that's in disarray. You have to find it in yourself to stick this out. Even if it means they sleep on the sofa or the floor or whatever.

Unfortunately sometimes you have to just not take the issue on and let it play out. Some people only learn by living with the consequences. So you need to grit your teeth and let him do so. Even if it means that he loses a day of pay.

By the way don't get cross if you can help it. You automatically lose the argument if you do. Just keep stressing that you're happy for them to visit, you have no problems with them arriving with the place in disarray and sleeping wherever they can find a space. If he feels otherwise then he can do something about it.

It will be uncomfortable and you will need to brace yourself. But it's worth it down the line. I suspect he won't suggest it again.

Good luck!

I totally agree with this post. IF you feel you can stick to it and not give in.

dirty_magic

Why can't your daughters friends come and her grandparents? Why would you have to reschedule her friends tea party? The grandparents might enjoy seeing her have fun with her friends.