Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

CH27

Trouble is you've posted lots about the inlaws on here before but your OH always gets his own way.
He will always get his own way if you don't say no & mean no.

You're so far from a shrinking wallflower that I don't get why you're so weak with this.

Spendless

To answer your question about how to compromise. I will state my non-negotiable bit and then am open to any other suggestions working around it.

To give an example, we have been invited to a neighbour's wedding. It is shortly before Christmas, taking place in a town where neither we nor any of the bridal party or guests live. It's mid-week and term-time. Our children aren't invited (fair enough) so we would need an overnight babysitter, who would also oversee them getting off to school in the morning. To further compound things our daughter is in a panto the following day and needs taking out of school early. My non negotiable bit was that I wasn't prepared to have an overnight babysitter. The kids are old enough to be left until early evening, so if I was able to return home by no later than 7pm, I would be happy to attend the wedding. Various options are now being looked at to accommodate this, including dh driving, using public transport or calling in a favour from another friend to come and pick me up from the venue after work and drive me home.

gettingtheresometime

CH27 wrote: »

Trouble is you've posted lots about the inlaws on here before but your OH always gets his own way.
He will always get his own way if you don't say no & mean no.

You're so far from a shrinking wallflower that I don't get why you're so weak with this.

I'm guessing (speaking from personal experience) the dynamics of the family are such that there's a good relationship with the OP's family that to criticise the OH's family would seem to be disloyal -however valid you think the criticism is

(Both my PILs are dead and when, on the odd occasion OH makes a comment about my mum how can I come back with a comment about his?)

Anyway it sounds to me as if the OP would make the effort through gritted teeth if she felt that the visitors would actually arrive .....as it is I would be pretty annoyed if I went to all the effort of sorting out the rooms changed plans and then they decided not to turn up.

So why not say it like it is ?

Tell the OH that changing plans wouldn't be such an issue if the visit was going to be cast in stone - as it is a lot of effort could be made and that they decide not to turn up. I'd be prepared to put the overnight stay on hold, and to go and get more supplies but stressing about clearing the rooms on a maybe wouldn't be on

JIL

notanewuser wrote: »

Not really. My parents live about 5 miles away and see DD twice a week. They've done a lot for us so turn so that isn't a big ask. DH is very comfortable with them. DH's family are about 280 miles away and make no effort whatsoever. We actually invited them down in the summer, and they said yes, then didn't turn up.

We don't have any camp beds. If they do end up coming they'll have to bring sleeping bags and sleep on the living room floor. (I think I said earlier that they don't even know whether they're coning yet.)

I had read that you had said they may not turn up.
Maybe explaining the bedroom situation may be enough to help them with their decision and your problem will be resolved.
That will put you back in the driving seat, where you say to your husband that it was such a shame they couldn't make it for your daughters birthday. Then invite them for an alternative weekend, which due to past history they won't come and there's more evidence for your husband of what they are like.

liney

Like this:

"Of course your parents are welcome to stay. When they didn't arrive in the summer you were quite upset weren't you? Now remember the Guest room is already taken, so where will they sleep? Oh.. OK.. so where will you be putting those things that are stored in there? No I don't know either darling, but i'm sure you'll work something out! Cup of tea?.."

Sympathy, gentle reminder that your friends are still comming as already arranged , and that he will need to solve the problem.... then just leave it with him. It probably will not happen.

notanewuser

mgdavid wrote: »

why are you making excuses for him?
can't he do it between 6pm and midnight, same as everybody else would?

Perhaps. Depends whether any of the US clients have issues.

justme111

I see. Could it be that the roles in your family are such that his only task is to earn money and yours to organise and sort everything else which results in him sorting guests being unheard of ?

notanewuser

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't see why he should say no actually. They ARE his family. It IS something they have to compromise on. Maybe if she welcomes them with a smile on her face and he clears out the bedrooms - the child will have more people at her party -win win.

And I'm more than happy for them to come at a convenient time! My own parents and sister, who so make an effort every week, aren't invited to the tea party. It was literally going to be getting DD and her little gang together for some sandwiches and cake, and for them to play together. Perhaps at the house, perhaps at a local attraction. With her friends they're all the same age, they get on, it's easy. We could decide on the location the day before.

If there are 5 more people to consider, who will take longer to get ready etc as I don't have unlimited bathrooms etc, who will need feeding 3 times that day it's going to be more work. Plus I'll have to invite my parents and sister and her partner too. So a gathering of 6 children and 8 adults it becomes 7 children (1 of whom the others don't know), 1 baby and 15 adults. That's quite a different dynamic, and if it's wet they'll all be in our house!!

Where would you clear the bedrooms out to? Should I point out here that when we go up there there is no room to stay with any of DH's family (PIL's spare rooms are full of their children's childhood stuff!) so we stay in a hotel every time?

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

This is not about that week-end, it's about the balance between your family and his. He feels guilty. Guilty because he is probably made - rightly or wrongly- guilty for not making efforts too.

He probably went there, felt like crap about being a bad son and therefore agreed for them to come to make him feel better, which it did, so he is cross with you that you are ruining his opportunity to release his guilt towards his family.

He might have a point? Ie, indeed, his family is losing out? If that is the case, it might be worth taking it upon yourself to make an effort for his family this once. It is not ideal, it will be a pain, but sometimes we've got to make that effort for family.

If I were in your shoes, i would have reached the above conclusion. As such, I would wait for the right time to speak to OH, tell him that I appreciate that his family doesn't get to see us and LO very often and I can understand they would love to come if they can and of course, in that case, it is about them staying over yours so they can feel welcome. HOWEVER, he has to appreciate that this involves a change of plan and a lot of work, and therefore you will need him to pull his socks and make it work.

I bet you if you go along with it, he will feel so in love with you afterwards that he will be prepared to do anything to make you happy to. That's when I would say with a smile that maybe, instead of a week-end away in Chessington, you could extend it to Disney Paris if it can be afforded (ie, he can treat his two special ladies!).

At at some stage, when he tells you how well it went and how you should have them over more often, you make sure you tell him that indeed it was nice to have the family over, but that in the future, it would make things much easier if he discussed it with you first so you can make sure they come at a time that is not so stressful and doesn't impact on plans already made.

Thank you for this post. Lots to consider.

(We are planning a trip to DLP next year with some friends. It's a pain to get there from here so could never go for a weekend. We have merlin passes valid till the end of Oct hence the Chessington idea. )

Georgiegirl256

notanewuser wrote: »

That obvious, huh?!

It usually is something to do with them!

Okay, the short version. It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks. There is so much going on in October that I really just wanted to keep it simple. So I arranged, loosely, that we'd get her best friends together for a little tea party and that DH and I would take her somewhere fun for a day trip (stay over etc). All of this was discussed and agreed with DH.

He was working near where they live one day this week, so he went up there for a day and a night, then came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us. That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

Im with you on this one. You have a nice relaxing, fun weekend planned, your DH knew this, and now like you say, he's changed the dynamic of it and in doing so is creating more work for you....AND to top it all off, they might not even turn up. I hate it when people give flimsy plans....you need to know for sure.

I suggested that they stay in the hotel down the road. Nope. I suggested that we get October out of the way and invite them down for bonfire night instead. He went mad.

I think inviting them for Bonfire night is a good idea, and a good compromise. It could be fun and you could turn it into a little party. Lots of fireworks (obviously!), hotdogs, soups, stews, baked potatoes, etc.

As an added complication, 2 of our bedrooms are upside down at the moment. I start the second year of a degree next week and could really do without getting behind straight away because I'm clearing bedrooms for people that may or may not come.

Grrrrrrr.

Re the last paragraph. I'd be telling your DH that if he wants his family to come down on that particular weekend then he will have to sort the bedrooms out. He has to take some responsibility, he can't expect you to gave to sort everything out.