Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

I suggested that we get October out of the way and invite them down for bonfire night instead. He went mad.

notanewuser wrote: »

He won't be able to come last minute - he need to give clients notice etc. But that's a useful point for me to make. That he'll potentially miss out on a lovely family time just in case they decide to come!

As you've suggested several other options, especially the bonfire night one where you won't have to change plans already made and they won't have the 'can we/can't we' issue of the builder and you can get the bedrooms sorted by then, he's being totally unreasonable.

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

As you've suggested several other options, especially the bonfire night one where you won't have to change plans already made and they won't have the 'can we/can't we' issue of the builder and you can get the bedrooms sorted by then, he's being totally unreasonable.

Thank you. I'd actually really like to have them here and be able to go to a firework display etc. it would also mean my SIL could come, leaving me less likely to be left with 2 more children to look after while DH, BIL and FIL drinking.

notanewuser

Hmmmm. Initial brief discussion. He had no idea how much was going on in October. "But they want to come for her birthday," he said. I said they'd have to stay in a hotel then. He wasn't happy, so I showed him the calendar and asked when he thought we might have time to sort things out for that. He got the point.

Asked him to think about inviting them down in early November instead and highlighted positives.

"But they wanted to come down on the other weekend because they'll probably have builders in and don't want to stay there."

So not so much about being doting grandparents after all!!!

meer53

notanewuser wrote: »

I'd refer you to post 59.

And what about our trip?? Are you advocating cancelling it on the offchance that they will turn up?

I wouldn't cancel anything. You've made plans, you should stick to them, tell them what you're doing, let them know you're happy for them to come but that they have to fit in with your plans. If you have no room for them to stay, tell them that.

Don't make it a bigger problem than it really is.

FBaby

notanewuser wrote: »

So not so much about being doting grandparents after all!!!

Not, sounds like it's about him doing the doting son instead, the 'of course you are welcome anytime you want, you are family after all' and them taking it for granted that you feel the same.

HPoirot

notanewuser wrote: »

"But they wanted to come down on the other weekend because they'll probably have builders in and don't want to stay there."

LOL. What did you say to that?

Brighton_belle

meer53 wrote: »

I wouldn't cancel anything. You've made plans, you should stick to them, tell them what you're doing, let them know you're happy for them to come but that they have to fit in with your plans. If you have no room for them to stay, tell them that.

Don't make it a bigger problem than it really is.

But this completely ignores that her DH is insisting she does cancel the plans? So spending the day just with her daughter isn't going to be much fun, it would be rife with upset.
The problem wouldn't be big if her and DH were on the same page. they are not.

Brighton_belle

FBaby wrote: »

Not, sounds like it's about him doing the doting son instead, the 'of course you are welcome anytime you want, you are family after all' and them taking it for granted that you feel the same.

Which would be a whole lot better if he was going to do all the work involved. But no, he's dumping that on someone else who already had agreed plans with him to do something very enjoyable and stress free because she's up to her eyes in it for the rest of Oct.

FBaby

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Which would be a whole lot better if he was going to do all the work involved. But no, he's dumping that on someone else who already had agreed plans with him to do something very enjoyable and stress free because she's up to her eyes in it for the rest of Oct.

Totally agree but I expect he is suffering from that condition called self-centeredness that means that if he suddenly decides that he wants his family to come (because then he won't feel guilty any longer), than OP must feel just the same and therefore want to make that special effort too.

That's what he needs to realise, that how he suddenly feels is not contagious and that it is bad enough that he has made a decision that affects what was planned, but that he needs to at least appreciate that it is for him to make the efforts to accommodate that decision.

Edwardia

OH said to me that OP's DH was probably near enough to parents to call in, got the builders arecoming in story, forgot the cardinal rule of Check With Wife First and invited them. Then having invited them didn't want to unnivite them, knowing the builders were arriving.

What's going wrong here is communication.

We put stuff we are doing on kitchen calendar and then into our smartphone diaries. When OH not working from home - generally 3 or 4 days a week - when he comes in we sit with mug of tea an talk about our day and plans.

He knows then when I'll be out with my mother, doing an interview, writing and when the Ocado order is arriving. He tells me which part of SE he'll be in, when the meetings are that he can't be disturbed in, which day he wants me to take or pick up his dry cleaning, and when he's going to see his mother.

If either of us forgets it's all on the kitchen calendar.

I think once plans are made, especially for DD they shouldn't be thrown aside unless an emergency. It just adds to the chaos of busy-ness if that happens a lot.